Adoring Ms. Stevens

Chapter 50

Shiranda's POV

   I'm writing in my journal.  It's a coping method I learned from counseling a long time ago.

   I've been feeling so many things when it comes to Ms. Stevens.  She often confuses me, yet intrigues me at the same time.  Sometimes, I wanna kiss her.  Sometimes, I wanna punch her.  It's never both.  Always different sides of the spectrum.
   She's been caring for me a lot lately, and it feels like it's not just as a teacher.  To be honest, I often forget that she's my teacher.  I think she forgets, too.
  And it doesn't make sense for me to get jealous.  I got so jealous of Megan, or Markle, whatever the hell her name is.  I'll never let her know that, though.  Anyway, Ms. Stevens can do whatever the hell she wants.  She's not mine, and it's not like I want her all to myself anyway.
  So why do I get green with envy when I see her around another woman like Martha?  Why do I care about what she thinks?  Why do I want to be around her all the time?  Why do I miss her presence when I'm not in it?  This is all such a roller coaster ride, and a lot of times, I feel like I'm contradicting myself.
   I wonder how she feels.  She'll most likely never tell me.  All I know is that she cares enough to kiss me and protect me.  But why does she need to protect me, though?  I'm 18.  I'm an adult.  I don't need her to.
   And what's up with the kisses?  Does she like me?  I already know she won't tell me if she does.  It seems that she's grown quite fond of me.  Hasn't called me a brat in awhile.  She doesn't really scold me like she used to, well, besides when the Rohypnol thing happened.
   She's so hard to figure out.  She's like this really hard water sorting game, and I'm on level 152.  She always sends mixed signals.  I'm a confused lesbian, I can't understand all that.
   But I can admit, when things are good, they're great.  It's kinda cute.  She's.....kinda cute.  I wonder if she thinks the same about me.