Fallen Too Deep

(47) Catching Up

Hehe hi my lovelies, I missed you. It feels really good to be back into writing again. I can't say I haven't missed it. Anyways, enjoy I won't keep you long.

**************

Catching up with Libby and Ashley was really nice. They seemed to love Toby, and they loved that they could finally relate to someone. 

Who didn't love Toby, though. Nathan. Nathan didn't love Toby, and Toby was convinced it was because of me. Part of me was hoping that was true. The rational, smart, part of me knows to stop hoping when it comes to Nathan. 

There's no sweeping the rug out from under him, if he doesn't want to give you something, he won't. If he doesn't want to share something, he won't. I've learned to come to terms with that, or at least I'm trying to. 

He blatantly told me he doesn't want to be with me -- he can't be with me as more than a hook-up. What did that say about me? I deserved more than that, he and I both knew that. 

The deal was for none of us to catch feelings, none of us to want more. A relationship was too complicated for me at the time, I was still learning to trust men again. I trusted him with my body, and then without realizing it, trusted him with my heart. 

He broke it without even realizing it. When he shut me out and became cold and mean so I wouldn't press for more that one night I asked about his mom. When he finally opened up to me a little, laughed with me -- which is a rarity on its own for Nathan -- and cooked with me. Slept with me, protected me. He came home with me to meet my parents for God's sake. 

I was stupid, oblivious, blind -- and did I mention stupid -- to think we could go back now. We were glued to each other's hips at my parents' house, I got so used to him. I had hoped he had gotten used to me too, that his gestures meant he cared about me too. I believe that he does care about me, just not enough to want more. 

I wasn't enough to make him want more. No. I'm not playing that game. The only thing I can blame myself for, is for suggesting friends-with-benefits with the guy I liked. We wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for that stupid deal. 

That deal gave me the best sex of my life, but at what cost? I fell for the guy, and he didn't fall for me. 

"Jeez, I leave you alone for a few minutes to grab plates and you look like you're ready to cry." Toby brought me out of my thoughts as he entered his living room again. I smiled weakly in response.

"Sorry, I'm just thinking. Come, I'm hungry." I patted the spot next to me and he walked over with the two plates he had grabbed. Toby's apartment was smaller than mine and Kristina's, it was a one bedroom. Meaning he lived below us since the second floor only had two bedrooms. He hadn't done much to decorate it, although he's only been here for a few days. I also had a feeling Toby was aware he didn't stay in places very long now. He could be impulsive and move to Russia next week, for all I knew. 

There was a single black leather couch in the living room, a small coffee table and no TV. It was kinda depressing when you thought about it, but nowadays TVs were useless. 

"Thinking about...?" He handed me the plate as he sat down next to me, and I tugged the small table towards us after putting my plate down on it. The sushi bag sat on the table and I opened it.

"You're going first, you get the first therapy session." I told him, knowing Toby was going to burst soon if he didn't talk about his sudden move from New Jersey. Although, I wasn't sure how sudden it was. It took time to transfer, and when he told me he was moving to Philly, the transfer was already complete.