Freedom Fighters League of the Exiled

The Five Stages of Grief

"Sometimes you have to break down to feel better." I just flopped back on the bed. I hate that he's right, but where do I even start. "Start wherever it feels right. Doesn't matter if it makes sense to me or not, it's just you thinking through things okay," he said his voice soft as he sat down next to me on the bed.

I let my legs dangle off the edge and I laid flat on my back staring at the ceiling. I didn't know where to start so I just took a moment to get comfortable knowing this would be a long talk... or I guess talk isn't the right word to use since I wouldn't be talking. I just took a deep breath and cleared my mind for a moment knowing I was going to spiral a few times during this. "You can lay down if you get uncomfortable, this might be a while," I finally said, realizing he was still sitting up in front of me. He laid down next to me staring up at the ceiling waiting for me to just think away.

I never noticed this before, but Levi is really good at listening and just comforting people in general, even if he says he's horrible at it. I don't think I would be comfortable doing this with anyone else. I mean letting someone see me this open and broken. The only other person to see me that way was Reiner.

This was hard. I didn't know how to start. I spent the last few weeks blocking out all thoughts of him. Ignoring my emotions and any thoughts that came up. Now rather than avoid them I'm trying to welcome them. I don't think I've really taken the time to let myself process what's happened. I mean it's not like I'm in denial, but I'm definitely not at acceptance yet. Where does that leave me now? I'm sure I've passed anger, but am I at bargaining or depression? Maybe a mix of both.

I keep going through the what-ifs, but a part of me knows that no amount of what-ifs will ever bring him back. Then again, I can't tell if I'm at the depression stage since I haven't let myself feel a god damn emotion aside from rage.

I know that's a problem holding back all these emotions, but what else was I supposed to do. I didn't want to bring anyone else down, and honestly, I didn't want to acknowledge them because that would make everything real, now that I'm here forcing myself to acknowledge everything I don't know how to feel.

Mostly just sad. Still a little angry, but not at anything specific. Just the world maybe? I mean if we didn't live in such a cruel world then he would still be here, but then again if not then we probably would have never met. There I go with more what-ifs.

The silence in this room was deafening. Just knowing Levi was listening to all this... Feeling all of this... I don't know how I feel about continuing. I wanted desperately to just remember the good times, but If I keep going I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from rambling on for hours. Can I just think about the good times? I'm tired of thinking about all the bad things and the what-ifs.

"I have time, it's not like I have anywhere to be," Levi whispered, making sure I knew it was okay to ramble on.

"I remember when I first met Reiner," I started out loud. If Reiner is here he will get a kick out of me going down memory lane. "We were placed in the same dorm room. I said hi and he told me to go die in a hole. I think he expected that to scare me off, but when I laughed in his face and reached out for a handshake I think he was more confused than anything. I had already broken past his defensive shield he put up to keep people away and went straight for being friendly despite him trying his damndest to push me away. Every morning for the first two weeks was the same.

"I would say good morning. He would tell me to drop dead. I would laugh and tell him to have a good day in class. Eventually, one morning instead of drop-dead he just said shut up. Out of habit I said make me, and neither of us were ready to deal with that. Both of our faces were a bright red as we scrambled out of the room to our classes. The next morning when I said good morning and he actually said it back I was very confused, but I can still remember the slight redness in his cheeks."

"That was the day I decided to push a little harder. I asked him if I could sit with him at lunch. He just rolled his eyes and said he didn't care, but he spent all of lunch sneaking glances that he thought went unnoticed."

I couldn't help but laugh at remembering what happened later that night when we got back to the dorm. "When we got back he finally got in my face and asked me what my deal was and why I was so persistent. Well, he was really close to my face and I couldn't stop thinking about how cute he was when he was angry so I just went for it. He was very confused but never pulled away. He thought I was messing with him at first until I finally downright asked if he would date me, even then he was a little suspicious. It took him like two months until he finally figured out that I wasn't trying to trick him in any way."

God that's so depressing even back then he was hurting and couldn't think of any reason someone would want him without it being a trick. No happy memories, happy memories. I shook my head trying to think of another one. I couldn't think of one as dark thoughts started to cloud my mind. No this isn't what I want.

"I remember," Levi started and I snapped out of my spiraling thoughts thankful for the interruption, "when Reiner was mouthing off per usual, and Jean finally thought that enough was enough. He threw a fireball right at his head. He ended up dodging it, but it left his shirt singed. I remember Auruo coming back into the class and yelling at Jean after that complaining that the wall was damaged. Reiner just sat there with a petty smirk knowing that he would get revenge."

"He did get revenge," I laughed remembering. "When Jean went to sit down in the cafeteria. He kicked the chair out before Jean could sit down and Jean's food went all over his brand new shirt."

"He had to throw the shirt away that day, but not before going to the rest of classes with food all over it," Levi finished and I let out a sigh.

"Times were a lot simpler back then. Do you think things will ever be that simple again?"

"I think so, but that's what we are fighting for, right?"

"Yeah." I took a deep breath and rolled on my side to look at Levi, "how do you do it? Deal with losing people?"

"Well, for a long time I didn't. I shut myself away from everyone and blamed myself for things out of my control. Which as we both know didn't work out very well. I still have trouble talking to people, even Eren and mom are hard to talk to sometimes. I know I can talk to them, but there's always that fight in my head that tells me I shouldn't. Not everything that works for me is going to work for you though."

"I know that, but maybe some things will."

"Well, talking to people sometimes helps, but when I can't bring myself to do that I talk to them. Even before Ymir told me they were around I used to talk to them. Tell them how my day went. Tell them I still miss them, tell them if I saw something that reminded me of them. I used to talk to them about my day if I had a good day or a bad day they would hear about it. When I was really depressed I would sit and try and remember some happy memories. I would go through old text messages and letters for a while." he continued listing things before just stopping.

"It took me a while to get to that point though. All of those things used to hurt like a knife twisting in my heart. I remember I used to ball my eyes out every night for years while trying to talk to them, but one day I was just able to do it without crying, without the excruciating pain, and son it started to feel more calming and soothing rather than just hurting."

"So it does stop hurting one day?"

"It never stops hurting," Levi sighed, "the hurt just becomes easier to tolerate. I know that might not sound very comforting, but think of it this way. That hurt is a reminder that you care. That you love them."

I just nodded and rolled back on my back. "Let's go back to the happy memories," I mumbled my thoughts already going back to dark ones. I wanted to stop it before it got too far.

"Yeah that seems to be working the best right now," Levi said before going back to laying flat on his back to listen to me ramble on.