Netpals || Harry Styles

T w e l v e

T w e l v e 

Ever since I made that trip to Nick's grave, I have been taking things harder than usual. I would always find myself crying to sleep at night, not wanting to wake up in the morning to go to work. I actually thought about quitting my job that I absolutely adored. 

This is not how I expected things to be. I thought that going to his grave after six months would be good for me, but it was the complete opposite. 

I am a mess. 

It's so hard without him and when that one year anniversary came, it made me realize how much I have fucking missed him. I feel even more lonelier than before. I feel even sadder than before. I feel even more helpless than before. Everything is horrible. 

Wiping my tears away, I sit up knowing I won't be able to sleep tonight. I grab my laptop thinking of one person who is willing to listen and help me out right now. I go on Wattpad, clicking on our conversation and typing a message. 

daisyyy_: Harry? 

While I wait for a reply, I get up from my bed and walk to my kitchen to grab a glass of water. The cool liquid helps me be able to breath calmly once more. I fill the glass again and walk over to my bed, setting the cup down on my bedside table. I look at my computer screen and see he replied. 

styles94: Hey Daisy. Are you okay?

daisyyy_: I'm actually not okay at all.

daisyyy_: It's hard, Harry. So fucking hard.

styles94: I would make an innuendo out of that, but I feel like right now isn't the right moment. 

styles94: ^That was still too far, wasn't it?

styles94: Sorry. That was unnecessary, just excuse that.

styles94: Do you want to explain? You don't have to if you don't want to. 

I take a deep breath not knowing what to say. That joke Harry made is actually funny and I would have laughed if I wasn't as sad as I am now. Should I tell Harry the truth? I really need to talk to someone about how I really feel with all the details, and Harry is the only one who will listen. 

daisyyy_: My boyfriend committed suicide one year and three day ago. 

I grab the glass and gulp down all its contents. I feel a bit of weight lift off of my shoulders just from saying that sentence. But as I wait for a reply, I can't help but feel a bit nervous as to what he is going to say. Exposing myself like this really makes me at the lowest point of vulnerability. And I know for sure now that Harry realizes just how weak and broken I really am.

styles94: Daisy, I'm so sorry .xx 

styles94: I completely understand how you must feel. My best friend actually committed suicide also a few years ago. I still haven't fully wrapped my head around the whole thing. But one thing that I do know is that he isn't suffering anymore. I know it hurts and I know that you feel like you weren't good enough but I know you did the best you could have done. I know that he loved you so much and was really sad to let you go. I know you are a good person, Daisy. I know you loved him very much and made sure he knew that every day.

styles94: It may be really hard right now, Daisy, but it will get better in the future. There's always light in the end of the dark tunnel, remember that .xx <3 

A loud sob leaves my mouth after reading what Harry has said. The pain in my chest seems unbearable, the pain radiating everywhere in my body. I try to stop myself from crying, but the sobs just get choked up in my throat making it impossible to breath, so I let it out. My sobs ring throughout my apartment, tears rolling down my face. 

daisyyy_: The pain hurts so much, Harry. So much. 

styles94: I know, baby. I know. 

styles94: Just take deep breaths. Drink some water. 

I do as Harry says and take another trip to the kitchen to refill my cup. I gulp down another glass, and take deep breaths while closing my eyes. I feel myself getting calm once more, the tears slowing down and the sobs managing to turn into small hiccups. But it doesn't stop the pain that exists in my heart. 

styles94: Take deep breaths, Daisy. 

daisyyy_: He was my boyfriend for four years. 

daisyyy_: We were thinking about getting married. 

daisyyy_: We were living together in an apartment. 

daisyyy_: But I had to move out the week he passed. 

daisyyy_: He was there for me when no one else was, Harry. 

daisyyy_: He is one of the only people I opened up to.

styles94: I know, Daisy. I understand. I know it is really hard right now but it will get better.

daisyyy_: It's been one year, Harry. A bit more than a year now and I still am not feeling better. Everyday I relive what happened that day. Everyday I suffer from this pain, and as each day passes, I just feel worse. 

styles94: It took me a while to recover from my friend's passing too. But you will get there, you are already on the road to getting there, Daisy. You are a strong girl, that's what I have learned with these weeks of messaging you. You are fucking strong and you will get there, okay?

daisyyy_: How did you do it, Harry? How did you cope?

styles94: I um... I did things that..

styles94: I changed..

styles94: I um... I drank a lot and did other stuff like that...

styles94: But I don't want you to do what I did, Daisy. If I could changed what I did, I would. But I'm in too deep now to take it back.

styles94: Please don't do what I did. Take yoga, go to the gym, take karate if you have to, just don't do what I did, please. 

styles94: Take care of yourself, take care of your body. 

styles94: Could you do that for me? Please, Daisy?