Into the Rage

Chapter 57

(Continuation of chapter 56)

It felt weird being home. It felt even more weird to be walking to a guest room instead of our room, that and the look on Declan's face was...sad.

"Am, why don't you take our room and I'll move to the guest room? You need quicker access to the bathroom and I think you would be more comfortable in this bed. It has a better mattress and you need that for your back." God I wish he would quit looking at me like that, it made it harder to stay mad at him.

"Are you sure?" I asked, finally looking at him and wishing that I hadn't. Jesus, I was starting to think staying here was going to be a bad idea.

His eyes are what did it every time, whether he realized it, they pulled me in and I was helpless to stop it. I didn't want to stop but if there was ever a case for staying strong and holding my position, it was now.

"Yeah I'm sure ba...Am" he smiled sadly. "Let's get you settled in and I'll get my things. If you tell me what you think you might want for food, I can send Nate to the store."

Baby thats what he'd wanted to say but he didn't. I longed to call him that or to hear him call me his sweet girl. I would walk through molten lava to hear it, just once.

"Would it be okay to make a list? I don't want to burden him down with too much" I asked sitting on the bed now, my legs crossed under me.

I watched him walk to the desk in our room and retrieve a pad and pen. Before I could blink, he was standing in front of me, his scent filling my nostrils, making me feel weak and wanting to cry.

"Thank you" I whispered. He didn't say anything as he disappeared into the closet, then bringing out several suits, dress shirts and ties.

He left, going to the guest room with his clothing and at that moment it sunk in how broken we really were and I couldn't help but ponder if he wanted to fix us. I knew I did but whether time was for us or against us remained to be seen.

He came back a little later and went into the bathroom, where the clanking and rattling of bottles told me he was gathering his toiletries.

His arms were full with his shampoo, body wash, cologne, toothpaste and toothbrush. Also his brush, towels and a blow dryer.

God this was suffocating! I just wanted to grab him, hold him and tell him it would be okay, but I would be lying. I didn't know any such thing. All I had was hope.

I hadn't heard him come back in until he cleared his throat. I swiped under my eyes before bringing my gaze to his.

"Sorry I just wanted to see if you were done with your list because Nate is here. Also I wanted to see if you wanted some tea." He was going to kill me with kindness and I would let him. I would allow myself to be that weak.

"I, uh, just a minute" I said, writing on the paper. I got up to get my purse and rummaged through it looking for the two scripts from Dr. Dhoot.

Prenatal vitamins and progesterone, then fruit, lots of it. Some bananas, strawberries, blueberries, grapes and cherries. A box of unsalted crackers, green tea and organic honey.

I tore the paper from the pad and handed it, along with the scripts to Declan and then answered his second question.

"Tea would be awesome actually" I answered. He took the papers and nodded, mumbling that he would be back.

I needed a bath, that usually fixed everything, so I walked into the bathroom and started the tub filling with steamy water, adding lavender would help as well.

While the tub was filling, I walked back into the bedroom and took a tank shirt and black yoga pants from my dresser and grabbed my IPod for mood music.

I pulled the door to, just a bit, not closed, then set the music and peeled off my clothes and stepped into the tub, carefully sitting down into the lavender infused water.

Adele I Miss You. She has always did it for me. Just the right amount of melancholy and that's exactly what I was feeling at the moment.

Indescribable sadness, almost grief even and I hated it, knowing I wouldn't be able to hang on much longer before I would have a complete breakdown. Maybe that's what I needed...a good cry to cleanse myself.

As soon as her voice filled the bathroom, the lyrics flooded my head, making me wonder what was I even doing, as the tears started to fall silently against my face.

"Oh God" I breathed. "Please tell me what I'm supposed to do. I love him and I want him. I want us to be a family but he hurt me. Please help me."

My head lay on the side of the tub while I allowed myself to wallow, just this once, because I needed it.

Declan's soft knock was enough to draw me out of my self loathing as I sat up, wiping under my eyes before telling him to come in.

He had changed into black sweats and a fitted black tee shirt, his hair wet, indicating that he'd taken a shower. Damn him for looking so good!

"I put a little honey in it, just like you like" he said, setting the cup down on the ledge, then turning to go, but I stopped him.

"Please don't go" I said. He stopped, his back to me, giving me a moment to appreciate his physique and how sexy he looked.

I watched his body slowly turn towards me, his expression silently asking for permission. I nodded towards the ledge but instead of sitting, he got on his knees, picked up a wash cloth and lovingly washed my back.

The silence we both sat in was comfortable and for that I was grateful, until he broke it with a question.

"Are we beyond fixing?" I slowly turned my head to face him, taking in his stubbled face and grieving eyes.

"Do you want to fix us?" I asked, needing to know. He didn't hesitate or stumble over his words at all.

"More than anything. I already know what it's like not having you in my life and I don't want to go there again."

"Then no, we aren't beyond fixing but I am going to have to learn to trust you again.

I get why you had a knee-jerk reaction to those videos but what I don't understand is why you didn't confront me instead of believing Mari.

Did you have such little faith in me to begin with, that you thought I would cheat on you? And with your brother?

God Declan, I hope when that scenario plays over in your mind, you hear how truly asinine it sounds.

But what hurt more than any of that was you calling me a lying, cheating whore in front of people. It was degrading, embarrassing, painful and wrong.

I love you and no one on this earth has anything to offer me other than what I need and want from you. The question is, do you feel the same?"

His eyes became soft while taking in my face. "I do feel the same and I'm willing to do whatever you need me to, to get us back to where I see you walking down the aisle, letting me take you as my wife."

I had my answer. Let the work begin...