Into the Rage

Chapter 47

(Continuation of chapter 46)

My head hurt as I paced back and forth, Dr. Webster's voice was droning on while Declan sat transfixed, watching the crazy lady pacing and mumbling to herself.

I was wringing my hands to the point of them turning red and finally I turned to Declan, my face twisted in hurt, pain and disbelief.

"W-when did you find out?" I stuttered.  Declan clasped his hands, his head hung down before he answered me.

"Before we had our second date at the coffee shop" he said quietly.  I know I looked shocked at his revelation. 

"Why did you wait so long to tell me?" I cried.  "I don't know honestly" he replied.  "How did you find out?" I questioned.

Exhaling a strangled breath, Declan said "I had Googled you and when I read about you and what you'd been through, it just seemed like not everything listed was true, so I asked Murray to do a little investigation of his own."

"You investigated me?!?" I was incredulous.  He stood up quickly, shaking his head vigorously.  "No, no!  I had read what you went through and I was so worried about saying or doing something that would take you back to that horrible time, I just wanted to make sure that didn't happen.  I'm so sorry, Am.  I'm sorry" he said, trying to approach me, but I backed away with each step he took forward.

"I don't even know who you are" I whispered, my heart broken from the intrusion and the look on Declan's face, at my words, broke my heart.

"Amethyst, I know you are hurt by what you feel like was a deception, but I really want you to think about why you are really angry and it's not because of what Declan did" Dr. Webster said.

"What do you mean?" I asked tearfully.  "You are really angry with yourself" he said.  I shook my head.  "Why would I be angry with myself?" I asked belligerently.

He smiled, walking towards me.  "You're angry because you think you should have been strong enough to fight Ethan off.  We have talked about this, your self abhorrent attitude towards yourself, when the truth is you didn't have a chance against him."

By this point I was a blubbering mess, on my knees, sobbing because I knew he was right.  I hated myself for being weak and not being strong enough physically to fight him off.

I felt Declan's arms come around me and I did not fight him, I was tired of fighting, tired of fighting within myself, tired of fighting my past.

The thing I loved the most about my fiancé was I didn't have to fight alone because he accepted everything from my past, vowing to stand by me and not only fight with me, but fight for me.

"I'm sorry!" I cried as Declan rocked me in his arms.  He didn't try to say anything to me but just held me as I wept.

It had all been too much, the knowledge of who Ethan truly was, broke my heart.  I had protected him from bullies, I loved him but I had promised to come back for him.

It all made sense though, the things Ethan said to me while I was his captive.  He'd called me a whore, like my mother.  He knew, he knew when he was raping me that I was his flesh and blood, but he was so ate up with hate, that was all he could see.

I could sense that Dr. Webster had left and was vaguely aware that Declan had lifted me up and laid me in our bed, his body protectively surrounding mine.

I couldn't help but relax in his arms because deep down I knew I was safe with him and while I was still pissed off at him for keeping that information from me, I knew where the sentiment had come from...love.  I see that now.

I rolled over, burying my face in his chest, my body shivering, from what I'm not sure, but his gentle stroking of my hair and the tenderness in his voice made it lessen.

"I can't believe, knowing what you know, that you still want me.  Please tell me you do, still want me.  I couldn't make it without you" I cried.

The harder he held me and told me he not only wanted me but loved me, the harder I cried.

I was so tired by the time I settled down and it was so late I wasn't sure how either of us would function for work but I didn't care, I just needed to close my eyes and sleep.

Since I knew for sure Declan wouldn't leave me, I could close my eyes.  Knowing he was holding me, I could sleep.

Declan was the best thing that's ever happened to me and I wasn't going to let this define me, I would just ask him for help to get over this.  I needed to be in the right frame of mind if I was going to marry this man.

"Wakey, wakey you little whore!"  Ethan smacks me across the face until my mouth is filled with the metallic taste of my blood.

"What shall I use on you today, huh?  I have a bottle, a rubber hose...oh I know!  Let's use the broom handle!"  His laugh makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

"Please Ethan!"  I'm barely audible because I've spent yet another day screaming due to the pain he's inflicted.

"Beg me you bitch!  I want you to beg me!" He tells me as he strokes himself and that's when I shut up.  My begging gets him off.  Well he can just kill me because I refuse to help him this time.

I bolt from bed, my own screaming wakes me as I hear Declan's voice somewhere distant in my head, telling me I'm safe and he's got me.

"Oh God, Declan!" I pitifully cry.  "Please, help me!" I whimper.

"Shh, baby.  I got you.  It's okay.  You're safe.  Come on, let me hold me.  That's it" he coos as I allow him to cuddle me in the safety of his arms.

I just lay there in his arms crying until I'm so tired I fall back asleep.  But this time it's sleep only, no dreams.  Just Declan smiling at me, telling me I'm safe and I'll be okay.