Save Me

forty one

I sang the rest of the song, Jazz let out a few squeals every now and then.

Lin turned the camera back around and said goodbye to the viewers. "Ugh, I never know how to turn this thing off.. Oh I got it!"

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[Olivia's POV] *

"Oh my god, Olivia.. How do you not have a record label or something?" Jazz exclaimed running up to me.

I put the guitar back where it belongs and shrugged. "Stop, you're embarrassing me."

"Ugh, that was seriously amazing. You have to do this more often, you could really go somewhere." She said.

"I don't know if I want to go anywhere, I mean I have written a few songs but I don't think I am good enough to be signed.." I awkwardly say.

"Omg you have to sing them for me!" She yelled.

"Maybe one day." I said standing up. "Anyways, I should get going. Lots of homework to do, junior year is seriously brutal."

I went to my bedroom and closed the door behind me, I was beginning to get overwhelmed. I grabbed my backpack and got started on my homework. Two hours later I was done but the show had already started so I just started working on some extra credit.

The show was almost over, they were on the last song. When I am alone my feelings overtake me. I don't feel any control over myself. The familiar cry from my blades hiding in my jewelry box captured my thoughts.

I was one day clean, one day of no pain. I couldn't just break that. I can't help it though, I can't resist the temptations to punish myself.

I tried to resist it, I put on some music and laid with my dog trying to ignore the pain in my chest. My heart was fluttering, my eyes were burning, my mouth was being tugged into a frown. My body shook as a tear fell from my eyes. No, Olivia. Strength. I can't let myself cry, but I need a way to let my emotions flow.

I defeatedly got out of bed and dragged my feet to the bathroom. I opened up the small box containing my temptation. What if I just look at it, or just hold it. I picked up the fragile small blade and help it in between my thumb and index finger. The familiar cold touch was comforting.

I pressed it to my wrist, lightly, not hard enough to break skin. My hands quivered as did the rest of my body. Weakness. I need to be strong. Be strong, Olivia. I couldn't be strong.

I pressed in, the sharp stinging sensation made me cringe but I continued to go. My pale wrist flushed with color. The dots of blood appeared, I smeared them with my finger. Another line, another release of pain. I felt strong at the same time as feeling weak. How can I feel these completely opposite feelings at the same time?

I felt strong for having this control in my life, cutting was something that I was controlling. I felt weak because I couldn't resist the temptations. It's like an addiction.

I heard a knock at my bedroom door, "Olivia? Are you in there?" It was Lin.

"Give me a second!" I yelled, shoving the blade back into the box and pulling my flannel over my wrists.

I opened the door and saw Lin, still in his Hamilton costume.

"Do you want to go out to eat with the cast and I?" He asked.

"Ya sure, let me get changed." I said.

"Are you ok?" He asked me, searching my eyes.

"I'm fine, see you in a bit." I smiled.

Hello everyone! Just a little update. I wanted to show you an insight of why Olivia is doing this to herself because I am sure that some of you don't understand.

This may not be the same for everyone who self harms, but this is how I feel when I would cut myself. It is an addiction, that's why it comes up in the story so often. When I wrote those happy chapters it just didn't feel realistic because depression is constant and I want this story to be real.

I was 5 months clean until 2 days ago, then I was 1 day clean until an hour ago. It is a constant cycle and sometimes it seems like it's over but it may never be. But I have to hold on to those days that I was strong enough to overcome it.

On a happier note, could you guys comment some song requests you would like Olivia? That would be extremely helpful. I have some songs I could use but I like it when you guys have input into the story (:

I love you, stay strong.

- aibhlinn