Chenford - more depth

Chapter 103

Lucy's pov
Why can't I be enough...I just want to be able to do one thing right.
I slide down the door with my head rolled back hitting the door.
I'm so stupid.
My wrist is stinging, I roll my sleeve up looking at how its now soaked with blood.
Fuck.
Tim can't know, I can't disappoint him. Not again.
I take my top off placing it folded up on the bathroom side, carefully making sure the bloodied sleeve is on top.

I feel sick, as I look down at my stomach. Seeing every scar, mark on my stomach, the DOD tattoo engraved into my skin. Scars from my parents, from myself, from work, from things I don't even remember anymore.  They aren't massively noticeable but to me they are. They are symbols of every time I have been weak,and failed.
But nothing hurts more than the internal scars of losing my star, failing to be enough for my parents and for Tim, failing to even get pregnant yet Chris could get me pregnant. Maybe my mum is right. I should go back. That way I'm saving Tim. Saving him from myself.

I slowly stand up and as I do I notice the way my body looks in the mirror. I had gained weight, my mum was right. I look disgusting, my clothes were still baggy but I hated the way my body looked. I glance at the toilet, I shouldn't..
I can't because I promised Tim I wouldn't do it anymore so we could start our family. Yet I can't even do it right so what's the point.
I step towards the toilet, crouching down as I lean my head over the toilet.

'you should have died that day, you have no reason to have trauma you survived get a grip, stop being a burden to everyone'
'you failed suicide, and you're failing at pregnancy'
'youre failing at getting pregnant. You look disgusting.  No one would actually love you when you look like this'

I make myself throw up, as I insert two fingers into my throat.
I need it to stop. I need to stop being such a failure.
I eventually stop and lean back. I feel this mixture of relief and guilt. Like I needed to do it but now I feel like I'm fucking every thing up.
Fuck, I pant feeling almost breathless. I flush the toilet as I slowly stand up. I go to the sink, turning the tap on as I gently wash my hands and my face. I turn the top on to the hottest setting as I start scrubbing the sleeve of the top, trying to get rid of as much blood as I can. I watch the blood mix the water as it goes down the drain. Almost a pinkish colour.
Breathe Lucy.

I'm in the bathtub, I can hear Tim shouting me. 
"Lucy? are you okay? You've been in there ages"
"Shit sorry I must have dozed off"
"Are you sure you're okay? Do you need me to get Angela to help you?"
"No you're fine don't worry I'm just going to wash my hair and then I'll be out"
I look around and see the pinkish water, dripping through my fingers, surrounding me.
No. No. It can't be. I feel sick. My hearts racing. No. Please.
"Lucy I've got you some food are you coming?"
I can't.
I squint my eyes close.
"I can't say goodbye Tim...please"
My stomach hurts, these twinges pulsing through me.
"You're doing so well babe"
All this pressure and then I just..
I get this burning sensation.
The pain just stops, I hear water gushing, hitting the floor.

I feel my foot burning, I open my eyes and as I look down I see the water running down from the sink onto the floor. I quickly turn the tap off, dropping the top into the sink, stepping backwards. I just stand there staring. What is wrong with you.
Breathe Lucy fuck sake.
I grab a towel, quickly drying the bathroom floor up as much as I can.

I grab the top, squeezing it, allowing as much of the water to go down the sink as possible. I then turn to the bathroom door  unlocking it, I walk towards the kitchen. I open the washing machine throwing in the top. Kojo immediately runs over and starts barking at me.
"Shh boy it's okay. It's okay baby" I say as I stroke him gently on the head. He lays down with his head onto the floor. "good boy" I say as I empty some washing detergent into the draw of the washer. I lean forward grabbing onto the side as my vision goes a little hazy. I feel Kojo place his head on my foot. I glance down at him, I feel these tears just streaming down my face.

I need to prove myself. I have to. I slowly move my foot from under Kojos head and walk into the bedroom. I grab some fresh clothes from the wardrobe. A pair of black leggings and a black long sleeve top, it was a tight top but it had to be. I couldn't let anyone see my arm. I carefully get changed.
Breathe.
My wrist stings as I gently move the sleeve over it. 
Grabbing some makeup wipes I gently wipe my face, and then I brush my hair. Looking into the mirror one last time to make sure I look as okay as can be. I walk out of the bedroom to see Kojo sat looking at me.
"You're such a good boy" I say softly as I walk past him. Grabbing my trainers as I put them on, then turning to grab my car keys and house keys from the side. I turn the handle of the front door.