Chenford - more depth

Chapter 64

Lucy's pov
"I love you, and mhm what is it?" I feel my heart beat faster, it's like I can hear it. What if he asks about the videos or the website or about the name or why I didn't talk to him about it. I can't do this. Not now. I don't think I ever can. I don't want to loose him. I was finally happy, I was actually happy. Everything felt natural, it felt good, I felt like my life was about to actually begin. I was about to my have my own family, with the love of my life, my dream job, a good group of friends around me. Everything was just as it should be. I knew I shouldn't have got too comfortable. I don't deserve happiness, my parents told me that. Shit. No. It's going to come out. My parents. They said if it gets out that I'll loose everyone and that it won't end well for me. At this point I wish he had let me go.
"Can the next time we come here be when we have our first ultrasound?" He asks smiling at me.
I sigh with a little bit of relief. Okay that's one question done, that's safe.
"Yeah baby" I say smiling but wincing in pain.
"Good, I can't wait for our little family Luce." He smiles gently. "But I need to know when we was there, you asked for my gun.." he says nervously with anticipation.
Oh boy here we go. I know where this is going. It's not going where I thought it was, I mean I'm relieved it's not about the whole name thing but I didn't think this would be what he would ask. I don't want to die, I mean part of me does because of this whole situation but if he'd have asked me and this childhood situation wasn't brought to light I'd have said never in a million years I want to.
But also in that moment when I was bleeding out and in so much pain, I just wanted it to stop. I didn't want to die slowly, watching the man I love look at me while I'm dying. The pain of that and the bullet wound was too much. But maybe I did want to end it and it was just the push I needed to do it? Just like Chris was the push I needed last time.
I'm just a burden to everyone.
"Did you.. want to end it? Are you back to how you was? If you're struggling please tell me I want to be there for you. I can't loose you Lucy, I want to be the one you come to if you need anything." He says as he plays with my fingers in his hand.
"I was scared.. I was in pain. I didn't want to die slowly and especially not with you watching me. I didn't want that for you" i say, hoping that this throws him off the scent. I mean I'm not lying I'm just not giving the full extent of my thought process of that moment I was in when I was bleeding out and dying.
"Okay babe, I believe you. I wish I could have taken that pain from you. You shouldn't have been thinking about me like that in that situation babe." He says.
"I know but I love you" i say smiling at him.
"I love you too" he says as he kisses me on the cheek gently. " I did miss you" he says as he then kisses me on the lips.
"I missed you too" i say as I kiss him back. "We can carry this on when I'm home" I wink at him.
"Id like that baby" he says kissing me again.
I stretch backwards trying to ease some of the tension.
"Baby you need to take it easy, you can't be stretching and bending for a couple of days as the stitches could come undone." He says slightly worried.
"Sorry it just hurts" I say trying to keep calm from all the pain I'm in.
"I'll call them again" he says and he presses the button again.
The doctor comes in.
"Good morning Miss Chen, how are you feeling?" He asks as he looks at my file.
"I'm in a lot of pain" i say trying to smile.
"Okay I'll get some pain meditation put into your IV so that it works more efficiently. Once this runs out I'll prescribe you some tablet form." He says he writes the prescription.
"Any chance you can bring that now so I have it ready?" I ask him.
"Normally no but I will this once" he says smiling "Your surgery went well, you're very lucky the bullet didn't go any more to the left. You've had two blood transfusions due to the amount of blood you lost. Now I'd like to keep you in for 2 or 3 days just to make sure these stitches don't come undone. Any sudden movements can cause them to become undone. No stretching or crouching. The internal bleeding in your stomach was also stopped, now it's important small meals, avoiding throwing up or coughing too hard. I shall go get your prescribed medication and the one for the IV. Then I'll check you around 8pm, then first thing tomorrow morning" he says as he smiles and leaves the room to get the medication.
"Internal bleeding?" I look at Tim slightly confused as to what the doctor means by this.
"I was gonna talk to you about this later but when they was operating they discovered internal bleeding in your stomach that was caused by excessive throwing up and not having enough food in your stomach. Are you making yourself throw up Lucy? I'm not mad and I'm not disappointed at you before you start panicking, I just want to help you Luce. Please just be honest with me." He says looking at me, while he's still playing with my fingers in his hand.
Oh. Great. Wait if he's asking me about this but he said he was planning on asking me later does this mean he knows about this whole childhood thing and he's just waiting.
I don't say anything. I can't. I look away and look straight at the door. I just want the doctor come back. Someone to just walk in through them doors so I don't have to have this conversation.
"Lu.. look at me.." he places his finger gently under my chin turning my head to look at him. I move my eyes looking down.
"Babe.. please.. I promise you I'm mad, I'm not disappointed, I don't think you're weak. I just want to be there for you. To help you. You're the most beautiful woman in the world, your body is everything, you know how much you turn me on Luce. It just hurts that you feel this way about yourself, that you felt like you couldn't talk to me about it. I know for whatever reason you've got in your head that I'll see you as this weak person but you aren't. I know you're strong, you've shown that a hundred times over. Everyone knows how strong you are, Grey called you strong and Angela said you're a bad ass" he says giggling at the part about what Angela said. "But you don't have to be strong constantly, it's okay to be vulnerable. I want you to feel safe enough around me that you can be vulnerable. I just need to know, if you're making yourself throw up?" He asks still looking at me with this hurt look in his eyes.
That's the last thing I wanted for him to feel hurt. That I don't trust him. I do. More than anything. But I don't know why I can't be vulnerable around him, I can but things like this and my childhood i just can't. I wish I could.
"Im sorry.. I didn't mean for you to feel like that. That wasn't my intention baby. Im just used to being alone, doing it all alone. I do trust you. I feel safe around you, you know that. You're the only person that does make me feel safe. I don't know why I couldn't talk to you about it. It's only happened a couple of times. Im sorry.." I say as I look up at him. I feel my eyes glazing over, filling up with these tears. I try to protect him yet here I am still hurting him.
"You don't need to apologise baby, just let me be there for you" he says kissing me gently.
"I will" I smile at him.
The doctor comes back in and hands me the medicine and changes the IV to the one with the medication in and he leaves. He doesn't say anything.
And then walks in Angela, she's got a bag with her.
"There's my badass how are we feeling?" She says she walks in smiling.
"I'm tired and in some pain but I'm okay" I smile back at her.
"I've got you some clothes and some little things that you might need. Hairbrush, toothbrush them kind of things. I'm so happy to see you Lucy." She says as she puts the bag down besides the bed.
"Thank you i appreciate it, did you get him in custody?" I ask.
"We did. Once again you've smashed another case Lucy. And Tim I hope you realise how much of a badass she really is" she says smiling at him.
"Thank you" I smile.
"Oh I already knew that, she's my girl" he says smiling with this biggest smile on his face.
Did he really just call me my girl. I've never heard him say that before. I actually love it. I smile at him.
"So if you know I'm strong then I'm sure you and Wesley could go for a few drinks tonight? You've had a lot of stress recently and I think you need to breathe. Plus sleeping in here is going to be uncomfortable. I'm in the best place and yes before you say anything I will call you if I need anything. The doctors come around at 8pm and then first thing tomorrow" i say looking at him.
"I think Wesley would like that" Angela says.
"Plus the game is on, you haven't watched it in the pub for a while. You deserve it" i reply.
"Ooo finally I don't have to watch it with Wesley" Angela chuckles.
"I can't leave you" he says looking at me.
"Am I strong?" I ask him.
"Well yes" he says he smirks because he knows exactly where I'm going with this.
"Can I handle myself?"
"Obviously"
"Then go. Go have fun. It's one night" i say.
"Fine but.." I interrupt him because I know exactly what he's going to say.
"I'll call you if I need you" i say rolling my eyes.
"You know me so well" he says smiling.
"Too well" I say giggling back as I lean and kiss him, he kisses me back.
"Right Tim let's go back to mine, get you showered and changed. I'm sure Wesley will have something you can borrow." Angela says as she heads to the door.
"I love you Lucy" he says as he kisses me again.
"I love you too Tim" i kiss back and smile.
"Bye Angela. Make sure he behaves and doesn't stress" i say laughing.
"You got it girl. I'll see you in the morning" she says and her and Tim leave.
And breathe. I just got to wait till 8 and then it's to go time.