Chenford - more depth

Chapter 92

Tim's pov
I knew her mum wasn't supportive of her job and that she always made sure to remind her that she was a disappointment but for her to call her daughter weak for miscarrying, it just broke my heart hearing this..
I mean I'm making the connection that what Mateo said about a Lucia is Lucy but I'm not going to assume, as truthfully I don't want to it be. To know that she went through all of this.
As she's saying it I can tell she's wanting to gage what we're thinking but she is also scared to make that eye contact. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this for her.
I keep hold of her thigh the whole time, I'm proud of her for snapping back at her mum and I'm so glad she ain't here right now.
She finishes and I don't know even know what to say, I can see the pain in her eyes. I know she's still holding back but I knew she said when Angela has gone we will speak.
"Babe.." I say to her.

Lucy's pov
"Please.. please don't do that.." I say trying to keep calm.
"What?" He says looking at me confused.
"The 'babe' as if I'm this weak person.. that you think I need sympathy.. I don't. It happened. It is what it is."
"That wasn't my intention, I don't think you're weak at all" he says.
"Lucy. Look at me." Angela says. I look at her. "Your mum has not right saying the things she did. You are not weak, you are not a failure. You're the complete opposite of that. I've never known someone as strong, caring, loving person than you. I can't even begin to imagine how hard these last few months have been but you always manage it, with this smile on your face still being so considerate about the people around you"
"She's right Lucy" Tim says gently stroking my hair and I turn to look at him, not maintaining eye contact just looking slightly lower. I know if I look at him I won't be able to do the next part. "I know you do it with this smile and still caring about others around you. But I want you to feel like you can be vulnerable around me. I know you was when you miscarried but that was different. I want to be there for you Lucy, I love you"
"It's been hard I won't lie, I was scared of how you'd see me. That you'd see me how she does.. if her and my pappy didn't love me properly and treated me like this why would anyone love me.. maybe that's why I found myself with Caleb or Chris.. it felt normal.. scary but normal.."
"And Tim.. I want to be vulnerable around you I do, i trust you more than anyone, the love I have for you is different. I'm just not used to love like this so I feel like I'm on edge.. waiting on that moment that you hurt me in the ways they did..."
"No wait that's not what I meant..i know you wouldn't hurt me like that but.."
"Lucy you're spiralling.. I know what you mean I get it. I do" Tim says immediately placing his arms around me, turning me into him, putting my head on his chest to ground me.
"Lucy I'm going to let you talk to Tim but just know I'm proud of you girl. Thank you for today and for everything" Angela says smiling as she goes to get Jack.
"I appreciate you ange"
"I appreciate you too girl, I'll see you at work"
"Okay" i say smiling as she leaves.
Tim immediately looks at me.
This is it.
I pull away from him, "lu come here"
"No listen, I'm going to record this.. you can respond as my boyfriend or as a sergeant but I need to do it this way. I can only speak about this once.. if I decide to go further with this.. then I don't want to relive it again.. I need you to just be you.." I say nervously grab my phone to press record.
"If you aren't ready.. then you don't have to.." Tim says he opens his arms back up for me as I sit back down on the sofa.
"I have to.. I have to do it now.. if I don't do it now I won't ever do it.. it's weighing me down.. weighing us down.. our relationship has been put on a stand still.." I say trying to stop myself from not doing it as I know if he says one more time then I don't need to do it, I won't ever do it. I need to bite the bullet.
I might loose him..
"Okay babe I'm here" he says as he kisses me on the forehead.
"I need to grab my laptop one second" i say as I get up and go into the bedroom.
I load it up, and the click on the website, I make sure not to press the header as I know if I see it I'll stop myself. Seeing myself in these videos right now will just make not want to tell him.
I take a deep breath in as I walk back into the living room, placing the laptop on the coffee table facing away from him.
I cuddle straight into him for a second, he wraps his arms around me tightly. I take every little thing in, in case this is the last hug. The way his arms feel around my body, each muscle on his arm, the smell of his cologne, feeling his chest move as he breaths, his heart beat so calming. I feel my eyes glazing over as I pull up to sit and look at him.
"I love you Lucy" he says reassuringly.
"I love you too and I hope you still do after this.." I say nervously.
Here goes nothing..