Chenford - more depth

Chapter 52

Tim's pov
-Tim's reading it but imagine it's Lucy writing it at the time she left for the operation just before the big argument where they mentioned starting a family.-
To Tim
I know you're going to assume the worst seeing this ring being left behind especially after everything that has happened between us. This isn't what you think it is, I'm not giving up on us. I just can't wear it in the operation because they believe I have just come out of prison, and there would be no way to explain the ring. The ring means too much to me for it to get damaged or lost. Id never forgive myself. It was given to me by you on my happiest day, the relationship we have means too much to me. I know things are hard between us and you have hurt me in ways that I can't even begin describe. I know how much Isabelle hurt you and did things which is why I can't understand why you didn't talk to me about Metro before Grey. I need you to understand I'm not her, and that I feel like I'm caring for you so much with this guilt, that you shouldn't have, that I'm forgetting I went through the trauma. If I didn't think I could do this operation i wouldn't and if gets too much I'll pull myself out. The reason why? Because I care about you too much, you make my life worth living for, worth fighting for, for the first time either. Also because I want to start my family with you, I need you to hold on till I'm back and we can sort this through. I love you Timothy Bradford.
Ps I know you won't have read this and you'll have panicked and thought the worst, you're probably now reading this after the operation even though you've probably been told by whoever you ranted all this to, to read it.
Ps 2, I'll be fine. I can handle myself.
Love Lucy x
As I read it, I get this mixture of emotions. The happiness, the sadness, the disappointment in myself, the eye roll at the fact she knew I would do this. I feel myself choking up on my tears.
"Lu..I think you know me.." I say and she interrupts me saying "Too well" we both kind of giggle while choking on our tears.
"Can you let me in, i think we should talk?" I say as I stand up. She opens the door, I see her eyes glazed over and I just immediately grab hold of her and kiss her on the forehead.

Lucy's pov
When he says "lu.. I think you know me.." i interrupt him saying "too well".
He asks to come in and talk, I know we need to. We can't just sweep this under the carpet. I stand up and I open the door, I look at him. I see the sadness in his eyes and he just immediately flings his arms around me and kisses me on the forehead. I pull back as much as I want to feel his body weight around me to make me feel safe I know I need to.
"Tim.." I say looking at him. "I think we need to talk this through"
"Yeah I think we do" he says we move towards the bed.
"Look let me start Lucy, I'm the one that fucked this up. I was too in myself about guilt that I felt around the Caleb and Chris situation, and I took that out on you. I didn't think which I know is a downfall on my part, I just do. I didn't think about the affects of the trauma you've been through as much as I should have done. I then went to Grey about Metro because since you wasn't my rookie anymore, it didn't feel right. I mean I didn't even call Claire boot, I called her Walker. Angela picked up on it right away, so did Nyla."
I smile a little at him saying he didn't call her boot, as much as him calling me boot triggers me when I go shopping it's nice to know he's associated it to me.
"I didn't speak to you first because one I forgot what it was like to be in a relationship and I guess with how Isabelle did things I picked up on it. Then when you came to me to discuss the undercover operation part of me realised my mistake of not speaking to you about Metro. I realised I was just as bad as Isabelle. I reflected my anger about myself towards you. I am sorry. Part of me was also petrified Lucy, ive never felt the way I do about you, about anyone else before. I truly believe that you are the love of my life, my future. I'm so beyond lucky to call you my girlfriend. I knew you could handle yourself I knew it deep down, I trained you from the minute you walked through them station doors but you didn't need my training you was already a fighter. Ask anyone at the station I've been a complete mess and dickhead while you've been gone." He says as he takes a deep breath.
"Lucy seeing you when I got in that van, the way he was handling you triggered me, I don't know how you managed to keep calm, to handle the situation you did. When the captain and head of FBI was telling me the outcome of your operation Luce, I was bursting with pride. I couldn't believe you had brought EJ in and everything else. He's been wanted for so long. I've learned that I also don't give you enough credit, the way you've handled everything not just the operation but everything, makes me so proud of you. I know you said about starting a family and I told you that it's good job we wasn't, I didn't mean that. I do want a family with you. I want nothing more than for you to carry my children. You are my life Lucy Chen and I hope that you can forgive me, that we can get through this?" He says, as he takes another deep breath in looking at me so intently.
"I don't even know how to respond, I know I said somethings too but I was hurt Tim. Hurt in ways I didn't even think was possible, you was the one who gave me a reason to fight, to want to keep living, to find a passion in life. You've seen me in my most vulnerable states and I guess seeing you hurt me hurt more because I didn't expect it from you. My parents I expect, Chris I knew deep down to expect it but I didn't want to admit. Even myself I expect. Tim you are the love of my life too and I want us to sort things and be able to work through it. But I can't just forgive you at the flip of a switch. I need time, and there's other things I need to process. I love you Tim, I just hope you can give me that time so that we can survive this" i say, I feel like I'm rambling on, I nearly mentioned the childhood thing. I hope he doesn't mention it.  I don't want to lie to him and if it is true that there's videos online I need to see it myself first. To process it. And if I do tell him I don't want him to go back to how he was before when he overanalysed me. Not only that if he informs grey or Angela by mistake I will loose the next operation. I know it makes it more dangerous but I need to see this all the through. 
"I understand, I get that. I know I've hurt you and that you can't just forgive that overnight. But will you please eat something and stop putting pressure on that blooming leg of yours" he says chuckling.
"I'll try to eat and he said I can put some pressure  on it, I am capable you know" i say with a little mischievous smile.
"I know you are. You're very capable lucy" he says as he leans in and kisses me. I kiss him back, he puts his arm around me, with one hand on my cheek. I wrap my arms around his. "I've missed this" he says in between kisses panting and slowly putting his tongue in my mouth. "So have I" i say back.
I pull back. "I may be capable but no make up sex for a week remember" I say winking at him.
"Well looks like you'll be getting a weeks worth in one go won't you? So then you won't be able to pressure on either of your legs as I'll have killed your legs" he says smirking as he kisses me briefly on the lips.
"I'll look forward to it" i say smiling.
"I'm going to go make you some food, you coming into the living room?" He asks as he gets up heading towards the door.
"I need to do something on my laptop, and you know my laptop is in here so if I go into the living room I have to put pressure on my leg and we can't have that can we?" I say winking at him.
"Well played baby" he says as he goes out of the room.
I immediately pick up my laptop, turning it on. I head to Google. I type in 'MCL' nothing.
Tim comes walking back and gets on one knee.
I look at him confused.
"Lucy Chen will you please be a good girlfriend and put this promise ring back on" he says he opens the box in front of me.
"You idiot! Of course I will" I say giggling as I put my ring on. He kisses me passionately.
"I love you" he says as he goes back into the kitchen.
"I love you too" i say as I turn back to my computer. I grab my note pad and pen making a note of everything I've tried so far so I can keep track.
- MCL
- MCL website
-CML
I get stressed, i can't exactly ring my parents and be like oh you know how when you abused me, and molested me did you post videos about it. Because they'll be like who told you so then I'd be like oh well I went undercover and this drug gang leader told me. That would be so smart. Fuck. It's way too much of a coincidence with everything Mateo said for it to not be true.