Chenford - more depth

Chapter 32

Lucy's pov
I woke up and saw that Tim was still asleep with his arm around me, so I shuffle into him a bit and close my eyes.
I honestly really enjoyed last night, it was really nice to see everyone again, no one asked questions thankfully. Well apart from about Chenford. I still don't understand how Tim wants me, the whole song situation was honestly so sweet, but I know he's struggling. He wants to have a chat today about some things and part of me is scared because what if he wants to break the bubble and doesn't want to pursue this anymore, but part of me wants to know what's on his mind. I want to wake him up to ask him but I need to get up because it's nearly 10am and James will be over soon with Lila.
I sneakily get out of bed so that I don't wake him, i head to the bathroom. I have a quick shower before getting out, i blow dry and brush my hair, then I brush my teeth. I put a pale light blue blouse and some black jeans with a belt on. I head into the kitchen, i feed Kojo and then tidy round.
I hear Tim coming out of the bedroom so I put the kettle on.
"Morning babe" I say as he comes out of the bedroom.
"Morning babygirl, you should have woken me up" he says as he kisses me gently.
"You needed your sleep and you let me sleep in yesterday" i say as I make his coffee and had it to him.
"You sure it's okay with you about Lila coming for an hour" i say as i bend down stroking Kojo.
"As long as you're ready for it babe, of course I am" he says taking a sip of his coffee.
"Yeah I'll be fine don't worry" I say smiling at him.
"I'm going to go get dressed and then we could have that chat before Lila comes?" He says as he heads to the bedroom.
I don't reply instead I just allow Kojo to cover me in kisses, I think he can tell I'm nervous. But I don't know which makes me more nervous, this conversation or having to hold and look after Lila. It's an hour surely I can manage that, I need to just do it.
Tim comes out of the bedroom and sits on the sofa looking over at me.
"Baby can we talk later? After I've had Lila as it's 11:40. I don't want to rush our conversation" I say as I look at the time. I mean for once I'm thankful we slept in.
"Sure babe" he says smiling. Then the door knocks.
I head to the door opening it, I see James with Lila in her little swaddle and he has the changing bag on his shoulder.
"Hey Lucy, thank you so much again. I know I'm early but I need to go in early. Nyla will be over in an hour to pick her up. She's just been changed and she's due a bottle at like 1:30 but Nyla should have her by then. Let her know that the bottle is prepped and in the changing bag" he says smiling as he hands me the changing bag and I put it down on the side.
"No worries at all, say bye to daddy Lila" I say as he hands me Lila and heads off.
I turn around and stand there, holding Lila who's 3 months old. In a light pink swaddle, with a little pink bow in her hair. She's currently asleep. She makes these cute baby noises that babies make when they're sleeping and all I can do is stare at her. I feel a part of my heart breaking.. thinking about how this would have been me in a few months had I not failed. I walk towards the sofa and I sit down next to Tim.
He immediately puts his arm around me and pulls me in so I'm sat against him, resting on his arm.
"Lu you okay" he asks.
"Yeah I'm good" i say smiling.
We sit for around 20 minutes, the news is on in the background and Tim just watches me.
Lila wakes up, and starts to cry.
"Shhh you're okay" i say as I start to gentle rock her. "It's just auntie Lucy and uncle Tim" i say smiling at her.
She stops crying pretty quick and I sit on the sofa with my legs scrunched up so that Lila is laid on my stomach and with her head on my knees. I start playing with her little fingers and talking to her. "Baby what time is it" i ask him.
"1:30 babe, wait wasn't Nyla supposed to be here by now? I'll drop her a message and see where she is" he says.
"Okay babe" I grab the prepped bottle and start to feed Lila, winding her in between the feed.
"Babe I'm going to have a chat with her when she comes because this isn't fair. She dropped it on you last minute, is now late and didn't let you know she was gonna be late or that she was dropping Lila off early, and especially when you've been through what you have" he says.
"Babe.. look you can say it okay. I had a miscarriage. It's fine. Look I'm not hiding the baby I lost I'm just not ready for people to look at me like I'm a victim. And Nyla won't be long, it's not a big deal" i say as I put the bottle bag into the changing bag, placing Lila back on stomach and playing with her.
"Lu I wasn't saying you was hiding your baby or avoiding saying that you went through a miscarriage I just don't want to trigger you in anyway. I know you aren't hiding the baby, I just want to help". He says as he comes and sits next to me.
"See you're treating me like a victim which is exactly why I don't want people knowing yet. And you can't help me okay, you can't fix this" i say snapping back.
"Babe I'm just trying to help.. I don't understand where all of this is coming from" he says as he goes to put his arm around me but i flinch and move over.
"Lucy?" He says in his worried tone.
I get up as the door knocks.
"Nyla hey" i say.
"Hey Lucy, hey little girl" she says as she takes Lila back and grabs the changing back. "Did you have fun with auntie Lucy and uncle Tim" she says smiling.
"She did, she's all fed and winded." I smile.
"Thank you again. I really appreciate it and I'm sorry for being late. I owe you" she says as she heads off.
I close the door and as I turn I see Tim stood in front of me.
"Lu" he says.  Shit I can't avoid this. 
"Yeah?" I say twiddling my chain on my neck.
"Come on, let's go sit on the sofa and talk" he says as he takes hold of my hand taking me to the sofa. I sit down but I can't look at him.
"What is it Tim? You want to not pursue things? Am I too much of a victim?" I say before I even let him say a word.
"No Lucy. I still want you. I didn't mean to treat you like a victim and I'm sorry if that's how it came across. I just want what's best for you.. and with how my dad.. nevermind.." he says.
"No go on Tim.. you said yesterday there was some things you needed to get off your chest. Talk to me. I'm sorry" I say as I move closer to him placing my hand on his jaw to turn his face towards me.
"Look I've not really told anyone but when you told me about the things Caleb and Chris has done to you it reminded me of how my dad would treat my mum. I swore the day i left there that I would never allow someone I care  about, someone that I love got through that kind of pain. That I would never turn into him.. the Tim tests.. don't make me like him..  I pushed you to Caleb and then Chris.. I know you only went out because you didn't want people to see you as a victim. No one does Lucy, you're a survivor and warrior. And I knew there was something wrong with Chris and I didn't push hard enough to find out what. It was my fault. The reason I stared at you the whole time you had Lila wasn't because I was concerned in how you would handle it, it was because it was natural to you. I saw a glimpse of our future. You with our child, and it made me realise I do want that future with you more than I thought. But I'm scared that I'm like my dad.. what if I'm a bad dad Lucy.." he says as his eyes glaze over.
"Baby..listen to me. You are nothing like your dad, you're the opposite, the complete opposite. You weren't to know that Caleb was part of Rosalind. No one knew baby, you can't blame yourself for that. And besides you was my TO at that point you didn't have to even listen to my personal life but you did. I don't blame you. You never met Chris, you didn't even know his name so you can't even think that was your fault. I chose to go out, I chose to invite him over the next day. But no that doesn't make it my fault either. I'll admit having Lila is a step I needed to do but it hurt Tim. I mean even Angela and Nyla talking about if they was sleeping through was hard because it made me realise I should have been asking questions as a first time mum. I want that future with you Tim I do. I know you're going to be an amazing dad." I reply back as I give him a kiss on the cheek and pull him in to cuddle him.
"I love you lucy" he says.
"I love you too, I thought this conversation was going to be that you wanted to end things so I laid in bed this morning thinking about it. I couldn't stop worrying about it, and that's why I said after Lila because I didn't want to be took out of a bubble." I say half giggling.
"Lucy you should have told me, the last thing I wanted was for you to feel anxious. If you ever feel like that again talk to me or at least put that song on woman." He says as he pulls me in for a kiss.
I pull back.
"Lu" he says confused.
"Tim, I know we've just spoken about children and that we want that in our future. But in order for that we have to do more than just the odd kiss. I said I wanted to take things slowly and I do but I want to take things further. Not all the way but I need to step out of the comfort zone" i say nervously.
"Lucy I'm happy to go as far as you feel comfortable with, you're gorgeous lucy and I'm lucky to have you. I know this is a big step for you but we can do it.  I just need you to communicate with me. I don't want to rush you or trigger you or anything like that. So no matter what you tell me if I go too far or anything." He says smiling at me  stroking my hair.
"I know baby, I will but you know this is all knew to me so will you guide me?" I say nervously.
"Of course baby, we can do this together." He says kissing me on the cheek. He pulls me in to cuddle. "Lucy you're nervous and you're tired, Grey or someone from the station will be over soon as they haven't been yet so we can pick this up later" he says places his hand on my head.
"Mmhm yeah" I say as I feel myself getting tired.