Chenford - more depth

Chapter 94

Lucy's pov
I feel sick.
This wasn't a good idea.
It can't be.
Breathe.
He's gonna hate me.
He's gonna think I'm weak.

Tim's pov
"Lucy I can't do this"  i say looking at her, I can see her spiralling, I don't know if I can see it. To see them videos, to see her like this, I don't know how I would react to it. Then I wouldn't want her to think of it the worst way.
"Tim.. what do you mean?"
"I can't watch them, I take your word for it. I believe you Lucy and i can just ask the questions that are needed."
"You don't waa..nttt...tto be with me and...I'm... wwweak righttt"

Lucy's pov
"Tim.. what do you mean? You don't waa..nttt...tto be with me and...I'm... wwweak righttt"
I just get up and run to the bathroom slamming the door behind me. I slide down the door, curling up, tears streaming down my face..my whole body is shaking, I don't want to do this.
This was a mistake.
My parents were right.
"Lucy let me in!"
"Lucy come on!"
"I don't see you as weak. I do want to be with you"
"You have to understand it's traumatising to hear let anyone watch. I can't do that. Not now."
"YOU DONT THINK IT WAS TRAUMATISING TO GO THROUGH IT, TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT!!" I snap him.
"GO AWAY TIM!"
"I didn't say it wasn't but you have to see my side of it. The one I love being abused, chained up, starved, and what molested?! WHAT ELSE LUCY?!"
"YOU ARE MAKING OUT LIKE I ASKED FOR IT! I DIDNT! YES I WAS ABUSED, STARVED, CHAINED UP, MOLESTED, YES I WAS MADE TO SUCK MY PARENTS FRIENDS DICKS, MADE TO GIVE THEM HAND JOBS, THEY FELT ME UP, RUBBED THEIR DICK AGAINST MY VAGINA! THERE YOU DONT HAVE TO WATCH THE VIDEOS ANYMORE SO PLEASE JUST GO AWAY!"
"Lucy.."
"Tim please. Give me space or I am going to a hotel tonight."
"Lucy let me in"
"No"
I grab the razor off the side, rolling my sleeve up.
"Lucy.."
"Go away.."
"I want to make sure you're okay then I'll give you space."
"I'm fine now go"
"You're not fine and that's okay, just please let me in. I'm sorry"
"Ow"
"Lucy?! Let me in now!"
I see the blood trickling down my arm, it stings.
"Lucy!"
"I'm fine go away, I don't want you to see me right now."
"I'm kicking the door in so step back!!"
"Go away"
"Have you hurt yourself?"
"LEAVE ME ALONE. I CANT..do this.."
"Do what Lucy?" He says softly.
"It was a mistake telling you"
"No it wasn't Lucy. It was scary for you but it wasn't a mistake."
"It was. Look I'm coming out, I'm grabbing my stuff and I'm going to stay away tonight. I'll speak to you tomorrow" i say as I put the razor back, just watching the blood trickling down. I grab some tissues wrapping around my arm then rolling sleeve down as I stand up.
I see myself in the mirror, my eyes are all puffy.
"Let's talk about it Lucy"
"I'm done talking.. just let me go"
I open the door and push past Tim as he tries to grab a hold of me.
He pulls me in and wraps his arms around me. The tightest they have ever been.
"Let me go!"
"Shhh, Lucy it's okay.. babe you're okay" he says quietly stroking my hair. "Shhh.."
"Let.. me .. go" I say as I feel my body just collapsing into him.
"Come on you're okay.."
I just feel body drop to the floor, almost like I've been winded, I gasp as I burst into tears, my whole body shaking, it's like everything that's been built up is bursting. Tim slides down the wall pulling me close to him. He takes his shirt off placing my head on his chest, gently placing his hand on my head.
"Shhh...shhh"
Breathe.
Come on Lucy.
Breathe.
We stay like for about 45 minutes, he just constantly keeps me close, stroking my hair. Saying "shhh...shhh you're okay.. you're safe"
Breathe.
"I don't like this..."
"Don't like what Lucy?"
"Being weak.."
"You are not being weak. Look at me" he gently moves my head so I'm looking at him.
"You are far from weak, I didn't think it was possible for you to be any stronger than you was." He touches my nose with his finger, wiping the tear off that was rolling down my nose.
"I know I didn't watch the videos, but that already shows you Lucy that you're stronger than me, you went through it and watched the videos of yourself yet i couldn't do it. I backed out...but I'm not backing out of us.. I'm here.. I'm staying.."
"I'd understand if you wanted to go.."
"No babe, I'm not going anywhere. I meant it when I said I saw my future with you, I want my family with you"
"But.. what if I'm a bad mum..i don't know love.."
"You would be the best mum lucy, you're already a mummy to your star"
I breathe in deep and the tears start again when he mentions star.
"You may not have been taught love growing up but you was taught the opposite, so you know what not to do. You know how it feels to be in that situation, it just means you're more empathetic which is a good thing till you let it drag you down.. because you've been protecting and loving everyone else you haven't been looking after you. There is only one you Lucy, I want you"
He knows exactly what to say, he covers pretty much every basis as he know how I spiral.
"I'm sorry.. for snapping.. i thought you didn't want to see it because you knew it would make you look at me differently.."
"It would make me look at you differently but not in the way you're thinking, it would make me see you as stronger person which I didn't think was possible"
"I don't feel it"
"You don't have to feel it all the time you just have to allow yourself to feel the emotions but don't be scared to come to me.."
I just snuggle into him further, I close my eyes and he kisses me on the forehead.
"Lucy?"
"Mhm"
"I need to ask you something.."
"Mhm"
"Did you hurt yourself.."
"I'm sorry.." I burst back into tears again.
Breathe.
"Don't be mad at me or disappointed in me.."
"I'm not Lucy, can I look?"
I move arm from under his arm, i roll the sleeve up, moving the tissue off. I look away the whole time because I can't look at him.
"Does it hurt?"
"Mhm"
He picks me up holding me like a baby, he carries me into the bathroom, placing me on the little cabinet we have in there.