Chenford - more depth

Chapter 98

Lucy's pov
"Lucy what are you talking about? Failing what? And how can you sit there and say I have no idea how much you trust me when you haven't been truthful to me!" He shouts as he stands behind the bathroom door.
I don't respond, I'm trying to take deep breaths to calm myself down. I don't know how he can say that I don't trust him. I trust him more than I have anyone in my life. He's seen in my most vulnerable states, he's the only one who knows about my childhood, the one I let be around me when I miscarried. I mean he's the one I let take my virginity. I felt so vulnerable in that moment but he made me feel so safe, he respected me. After everything my parents, their friends and Chris did to me, I swore to myself that I wouldn't let anyone take it unless we was married or I knew he was the one. The one to actually make me feel safe, the one to actually make me laugh, the one to bring my sparkle back. And he did, he had brought it back. I saw a sparkle. I say myself. I didn't even know who she was.
I wanted.. want a family with him, I don't understand how he can't see how much I've given to him. How much I trust him.
It doesn't make sense that he can't see how I've failed him. I thought I had just failed at giving him a baby but maybe I've been failing at other things this whole time.
The reason I didn't tell him about my childhood is because it never came up, and most of it I had blocked out till Mateo made it come back.
Well the website did. Maybe I should have told him when I was looking into it. But I had no idea if I'd find something, or what I'd find. I needed to process it.
"Lucy.."
"Tim.. I trust you more than anyone.. why can't you see that?"
"Because you have kept so much from me. You didn't think it was a good idea to tell me about the day the website was made. Do you not see how messed up that truly is? "
"I know it's messed up, you think I don't know that. I know what they did it messed up but there's no point in dwelling on it. I've moved past it why can't you?"
"If it happened to me would you feel the same? Would you be able to move on?"
"If that's what you wanted then yes!"
"I'd at least tell you everything that's the difference Luce."
"You haven't asked me anything about it, I don't want to relive it out loud hence why I said you can use the website, don't blame me for this"
"What else haven't you told me?"
"Tim I'm not arguing back and forth. Go look at the website, then ask me whatever you want. I'll answer whatever questions you want"
"Fine. If that's the only want then I'll do it. Can I ask you one thing?"
"What?"
"Do you want us? This family?"
"How can you ask me that? You know that's what I want. It's all we have been talking about."
"You just seemed so okay with the negative test this morning why? If you wanted it so much why would you be okay with it?"
"And you wasn't okay with it because where I was stood you seemed perfectly fine to me. So maybe it's you that doesn't want the baby."
"Really?"
"Yes really Tim. It seemed to me as if you was relieved"
"Lucy I wasn't relieved" I hear him sit down outside the door, with his back against the door.
My head rolls back to laying against the door. I just feel the tears rolling down my face, but it's more of a silent cry then a loud one so he doesn't know. I feel sick.
"You can be honest with me" I say softly.
"I am being honest. It broke me seeing the negative lines, I was so excited for a mini us." I hear his voice break slightly.
"Yeah.. me too"
"I'm sorry"
"For?"
"Being a bad girlfriend not opening up to you, I thought I was doing the right thing protecting you. Then some of it I didn't think it was significant. I just thought you didn't want to know. I also know that you are right"
"You aren't a bad girlfriend Lucy, I understand that you was trying to protect me but I don't want you going through this alone. I thought we'd got to the stage where you felt safe enough to be vulnerable with me. I feel like I've been a bad boyfriend if you can't. And I'm right about what?"
"You aren't Tim, you're everything I've always wanted and more. Something i never thought I deserved. I do feel safe with you, more than I have anyone. I guess I'm not used to sharing things with other people. I'll work on it"
"I want this to work, I want us and our family. What do you mean I'm right though?"
"I do too and what you said earlier."
"What part?"
"Never-mind it was stupid"
"Let me in"
"Why?"
"Lucy"
"Fine" i stand up, i quickly wipe my face before I open the door.