𝑩𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒆 𝑩𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒂 𝑵𝒐𝒗𝒂- 𝑩.𝑬

•Panic•

lil comfort chapter

tw: talks of panic attacks/anxiety

jessie

Growing up I had always been a pretty anxious child. Always worrying about things that othered deemed 'not a big deal' alwyas overthinking small situations and always always going to the worst case scenario.

Being diagnosed with anxiety and a panic disorder well into my 20's was definitely not on my bucket list, and not something I had ever thought about.

I never knew how to deal with my panic attacks, i usually just let them consume me until i cry myself to sleep or pass out from the hyperventilation or faint from the dizziness they brought me.

It was never a good thing when I panicked.

But I couldn't stop the way my heartbeat sped up rapidly, the way my ears quickly started to ring and the way my head started to get light, my eyes stinging with tears as I crouch down in front of the broken frame of me and my girlfriend.

I was having a little too much fun with my earbuds in dancing around to music that I bumped into the dresser and it fell, shattering before me.

It was just a picture frame, easily replaceable and absolutely not a big deal but it was a big deal to me because I broke it, and it was my fault and I couldn't help the aching feeling that my sweet girlfriend would turn bitter upon seeing it.

I heard her frantic footsteps as she came down the stairs of our house.

"Lovey? Are you alright, I heard a crash?"

She stopped at the bottom of the stairs upon seeing me frantically trying to pick up the pieces of glass.

"Baby, what happened? Are you okay?"

I didn't respond, I couldn't respond. All I could think about was trying to clean it up so she wouldn't get upset. I was sobbing on my knees, my hands reaching out to grab the glass, putting it nowhere in particular.

When she realized what was happening she was quick to crouch down beside me.

"Hey, hey. Come here love." She gently took my wrists and helped me up, bringing me over the kitchen away from the mess.

Getting me away from what cause the panic attack was always her way to calm me down the quickest. Out of sight out of mind she always said.

"Billie.."

"I'm right here, love. What do you need?"

"I can't-I can't breathe. It hurts." I sobbed, clutching the fabric of my shirt against my chest. 

"Okay, here look at me. We're gonna do a little technique okay? See my hand?" She holds up her hand and I nod.

"Okay, good. Now, pretend my fingers are candles okay? I want you to try and blow out these five candles okay sweetheart? So deep breath in...that's it, good, now blow out a candle."

I slowly blew out a breath and watched as she slowly put her finger down. Encouraging me to do it again.

I repeated until I blew out all five candles, my breathing now steadier and my head feeling less light.

Although I was still crying so it wasn't completely regular.

"That's it. Good girl, you're okay. I'm right here, lovey."