Coder Girl /Dreamwastaken/

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Clay looked surprised from his own outburst. Never would any of us think that Nick's joke would get such a reaction. His jokes have always been inappropriate or insensitive in some cases, but neither of us had ever complained.

"You need rest." Nick's words were directed to Clay. And they sounded way more serious than anything he's ever said.

Clay was silent for a few moments. Then he nodded, mumbled an apology and went to his room. He looked disappointed with himself.

I involuntarily tried to follow him, but Nick grabbed my arm, pulling me back slightly to make me stop.

"You've been through the same shit enough times already." Honestly, Nick's words were terrifying me.

"What.." I was genuinely lost and confused.

"I just want to have a normal friendship without worrying about his jealousy."

Nick's words made me swallow a lump in my throat that formed from the unpleasant memories that were resurfacing. I remembered how he always kept in touch with both me and Clay through those messy times, being kind of like a couple's therapist in a way. And now it felt like he was disappointed that Clay lost all the progress.

"I'm sorry.." Even though I respected Nick's words, I still couldn't just leave Clay alone when I didn't even know what happened to him.

I knocked on the door of his room. It wasn't locked, but I had a habit of knocking before going in. However, seeing that he didn't respond, I got scared and went in.

Clay was on his back, half lying on the bed with his back leaned against the headboard. His brows were knitted together, eyes focused on his own hands and the string of his sweatpants that he was playing with.

"Hey." I closed the door, walking towards the bed and taking a seat while keeping some distance from where he was.

He just answered by looking up at me, half-nodding and going back to the string. I understood by the lack of response that he needed some time. Maybe Nick was right after all and I shouldn't have disturbed him.

"Tell me if you want to talk. Or if you need anything." I got back up and was about to leave.

"I'm so sorry, Liz. I don't know what's going on with me."

Clay's voice was so vulnerable that I frowned without even being aware of it. I didn't even think much of what happened. Well yeah, all of us have episodes of just completely losing control and acting unreasonable.

"What's the matter? It's okay, don't pressure yourself."

"It's not okay. I'm confused and extremely irritable recently," Clay sounded a bit scared, "I mean, I've been scolding George non stop everytime I talk to him, and now Nick- and I forget things too, so it's just annoying."

And after keeping it to himself for a few days, the bubble finally burst. I'd noticed the change of his behavior and it genuinely surprised me how he wouldn't even mention a word about his mental state.

"You have a concussion, Clay. No one's pressuring you, we all lose ourselves a little bit at some point in our lives." I sat down again and pulled his left hand away from the string, covering the cold skin with both of my palms.

"I feel so fucking guilty towards Nick especially. I promised him to be better, and this is the first impression he gets of me after having those talks."

I was speechless from his words, but not because they had any notable impact on me. I was confused.

And maybe he noticed my lost eyes and felt bad about how dumb I was, proceeding to elaborate.

"You know, during the time that me and you didn't quite.. talk to each other," he stuttered at the very beginning of the sentence, "Nick's been telling me to be better for you. And I promised I will."

I found it interesting how Nick's been telling me how great of a person Clay is during that time, yet he told Clay to work on himself. I always thought he protected Clay way more than he protected me. And it almost got to a point where I thought the blame was on me.

"Well he wanted us both to improve. Be better for and to each other." I didn't tell him the things Nick told me literally, but I hinted towards them.

Clay sighed, "I'm just mad at myself. I don't know how I lose control like that," he was rephrasing a lot now, "like when I kissed you - that was impulsive as well, I don't know how I made that decision."

I felt very bad for him. But I didn't show it, knowing that it would just make him feel worse. I learned that he didn't like it when people showed sympathy towards him.

"Wanna talk to Nick?" I knew that he wanted to, and from the way he nodded while I was halfway through my sentence proved my point.

We went back to the living-room but didn't find Nick there. After checking every single room in the house and screaming his name, we decided to just make a phone call.

Luckily, it didn't take long for him to pick up.

"Uh hey, where are you? Are you okay?" I asked immediately, hearing some cars passing by through the phone.

"Hi, I'm good, I just went for a walk." Nick spoke, a little bit out of breath.

"Oh.. okay," I was just relieved he answered and everything was okay, "just try to not get lost and be safe."

"Right now I'm looking for a bush to water and save the planet."

Nick's words confused me at first. But when I finally got his joke - well to be fair it wasn't even a joke, I almost gagged.

"That is so disgusting." And as the words left my mouth, I heard the rustling of the leaves.

"Alright I'll call you back, I'm kind of busy."

Either I was imagining things, or I really heard him pull down a zipper. I hung up without even answering.