Coder Girl /Dreamwastaken/

՞՞63՞՞

I pulled him down for a three second kiss which felt like I was trying to knock his teeth out. And to be fair, I was.

I didn't care that Nick and Clay were standing there, all I cared about was my own ego. I didn't give a fuck about making stupid decisions, all I cared about was making ones that would make me feel good about myself.

I had temper issues too, and George didn't fail to flip the switch. Not only once, but a few times.

He didn't react to the kiss at all. Either because it lasted 2-3 seconds, either he didn't expect it, or having his friends there was doing its job.

When he was about to react tho, I pulled away.

"Uh-" George was basically frozen on the spot, the only thing moving were his lips.

Clay wasn't even blinking. He was just standing on the exact same spot he was before, mouth shut and jawline defined from pressing his teeth together.

"God dammit," Nick looked lost, "if I knew that'd work, I'd bully you for not having a first kiss too-"

"Shut the fuck up, won't you?" Clay finally reacted. No one expected a reaction like that. No one expected him to raise his voice like that.

I think all of us were scared. My fingertips were getting cold, even though my whole face was burning. As satisfying as stupid decisions were under the influence of making them, the aftertaste always stung. And this one stung badly.

"Um.. George," Nick broke the silence, "wanna go for a walk?"

"Yeah.. yeah." George was still looking at me, even though I was trying my hardest to avoid eye contact with all of them.

They got dressed quickly and left even quicker than I thought was possible. Clay was still standing in the same spot, still looked as intimidating as he did before. I waited a few more seconds so I could try and be strong enough to speak.

"Clay.." I didn't know what to say.

"Fuck off." The way he laughed held every type of emotion except for an actual laugh.

"I'm sorry-"

"For what?" Running his fingers through his hair, he took a few steps towards me, "Why would you be?"

The fact that he actually had a point made this whole thing so much worse than it already was. We didn't even know what to call ourselves, yet I felt the urge to apologize.

"I.. I don't know.." I was in a loophole because of my own stupid actions, "For being selfish and acting stupid."

"Apologize to yourself then, leave me the fuck alone." The anger in his voice was honestly scaring me.

He turned around to leave but I stopped him by grabbing his wrist and hoping he wouldn't tug and free himself, cause he totally had the power to do so.

"I'm so fucking sorry." I knew that he knew what I meant, but I also knew that he wasn't going to admit it till his last breath.

"Sorry for what? What are we? Friends who happened to kiss, oh wow! What a huge fucking deal for a girl who apparently kisses all her friends."

My blood was boiling inside my veins. His words hurt like hell, and I'm sure they hurt even more than they were supposed to. I could feel that thing building up inside me again, the thing that made me kiss George and now was making me want to attack him for calling me out.

"Exactly. What are we, Clay? Tell me, I wanna know." I took a step forward.

"What are we? You don't know? We're like.. friends. Yeah, fucking friends, that's all."

I expected those words, but never thought he could make them come out in a way that would hurt me.

"Then why the fuck do you care?" My voice was getting higher. I couldn't help it, but I needed to stop before I could dig myself down farther, "Why would you care if I kissed or fucked someone other than you?"

"Because unlike you, I'm a human being with fucking feelings!"

I froze on my spot from how loud his words were. Not only literally, but in every other way possible too.

"Clay-"

"No, shut up and listen," his voice had no intentions to go down, "it fucking hurts. Everytime you do it, it hurts. It's not even jealousy, it's fucking not, it's the way you don't give a shit about the things that mean the world to me. Bet you don't even remember what you said, but guess what, I think of you and that night everytime I chew melon gum. How pathetic is that I remember your words clearly?" I watched him get even closer, "Yeah it's fucking normal for me to share a bed with my friends, but it feels different when I share it with you. You see the difference? The difference is that you don't care, you don't want to address it and you don't value it, while I'm over here thinking if someday I'd be more than a fucking friend- no you know what, kiss me and call me a friend as much as you want to, but just let me be the only one you do that to."

The unfamiliar feeling of burning in my eyes and the lump in my throat that were long gone for a few months now were coming back. I didn't remember the last time I cried, I even made jokes about how my body forgot how to cry. And I didn't expect his words to make the tears fall down without even blinking.

I wanted to say that he was wrong, that I cared about him and had no idea my actions were actually hurting him.

I'd never even dare to think that he took this whole thing seriously. I knew that I did, but forced the thoughts away as much as I could.

His expressions softened from the tears I wasn't even trying to wipe away. I didn't even feel like crying, the tears came from nowhere.

"Sorry." His voice was low and broken.

Before I could do or say anything, he left me alone in the house, not bothering to even put a jacket on or grab his phone before leaving.