Coder Girl /Dreamwastaken/

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"Hold up, hold up.." Nick cut me off when I finished telling the whole story and was about to express my opinions about it.

"Yeah?" I connected my phone to the charger as it was about to die. We were on a call for 5 hours now.

"He accused you of "cheating" and you didn't deny it?" Nick was already having breakfast, "And you accused him of hacking and he didn't deny it either? What is wrong with you both?"

"He still read our texts, why does it matter if he hacked or not?" I shrugged, ignoring the part where Nick blamed me for not telling the truth.

"Still horrible, but it would be so much worse if he hacked," he spoke, "losing self-control after seeing something is somewhat explainable, but hacking is like having no self-control to start with. If you get what I mean."

"Stop trying to defend him, you sound as delusional as him!" I complained.

"I'm not even trying to defend him or the dick move he did," Nick frowned, "but you're both so stupid, it wouldn't be this bad if you two stopped being self-centered idiots and talked it out without insulting and manipulating each other."

"So you agree that he manipulated me?" I raised a brow.

"Why do you skip the parts where I say you're wrong too?" His words felt like  cold water on my face.

I didn't say anything so he could answer my question without getting distracted.

"I'm not saying he wanted or tried to manipulate you. But I get why him pouring his feelings out in a heated fight sounded like a manipulation to you," he continued, "the least I can say is that he's not a manipulative person. And he's not toxic-"

"He is extremely toxic and manipulative. You're trying to make him sound better." I cut him off.

"Lizzy, I've known him for 10 years. I've seen all of his relationships and friendships. He can be a complete dickhead sometimes, he loses his temper and overreacts when things go wrong but regrets his behavior afterwards. But c'mon, you can't call him toxic."

"What should I call him then? What is he if not toxic?" I was starting to lose it.

"Call him idiotic dipshit, suits him better."

I was honestly getting so pissed at Nick for trying to defend Clay. But on the other hand he wasn't really defending him. Whatever Nick was doing made me confused.

"Please stop defending his actions. You're better than that, Nick."

He sighed from my words, facepalming and washing his food down with a glass of juice before he could answer.

"I'm not defending his actions. I'm defending him as a person. Call his actions from yesterday toxic and manipulative as much as you want to. But please don't call him toxic and manipulative, cause he's not."

I didn't say anything after his words. And he didn't add anything either. But the call was still going. I should say something..

"Doesn't even matter now. We can't go back to normal."

Nick sighed, nodding, "I don't expect you to. But you can at least try to end it on good terms."

"No. I can't. And I won't." The words came out strictly and sharply. I didn't even need to think before speaking.

"Eh.." he sighed once again. "Yeah.. you weren't good for each other. Maybe it's better like this."

I don't know why his words hurt me. It's different when he says it. It's really over if even Nick doesn't try to find a solution. It's pretty bad. It's over.

"You know, you're both very similar. It just doesn't work for a relationship. But I think you can still try to.. I don't know, be friends?" He spoke again.

"I don't think.. I don't think we can." I shook my head, ignoring the pain my words were giving me.

"Why?"

I couldn't answer his question. Firstly I needed to answer it for myself, then try to say it out loud.

Why couldn't we be friends? We weren't in a relationship to start with. As far as I know we've technically always been friends.

I couldn't forgive him. He fucked up real bad. I don't even know if time could fix it.

Even if I did forgive him. After everything we went through, after the connection we had.. It just wasn't possible to start over.

It's all or nothing.

"We can't. We just can't."

Nick didn't push on me. He understood me. After a few more minutes of us talking, we finally hung up.

And I still have a lot to think about. I thought I had it figured. But I still need to think.

If he wanted to manipulate me, wouldn't he keep doing it? Wouldn't he do it throughout our whole relationship and not just once? He'd show up again and use his presence on me cause it's undeniable that it has a strong effect on me. But he's not even texting me now. Not even trying to call.

Yeah, I couldn't forgive him for invading my privacy. But at least, like Nick said, I can still respect him as a person. I can live with the knowledge of him ruining the connection we had with a stupid action and other than his personality.

I should probably talk to George too. He keeps calling.

I don't want to..

But he did nothing wrong yet was blaming himself. What if he thinks I'm blaming him too? We need to talk-

But I'm not in the mood to talk to him right now. He can live one more day without hearing from me-

I'm selfish. I'm so fucking selfish.

I'll just pick up.

I cleared my throat and accepted the call.

"Hey.." I spoke, realizing that he didn't expect me to pick up.

"Lizzy? Oh my, you- gosh, how are you? Are you okay? Why didn't you answer?" He sounded so worried that I felt bad for even thinking about ignoring him more.

"I'm okay. I was asleep." I lied.

"Did you and Clay talk, he's not pick-"

"Can you not?" I interrupted him, probably sounding a bit rude, "Like, don't mention him. Please."

There was a silence in the line. He clearly didn't expect me to be that aggressive about it. And neither did I.

"Is it.. that bad?" The sadness in George's voice was prominent, "I.. I didn't mean to- I'm so sor-"

"George, I'm begging you. Stop apologizing-" my eyes caught the blob plushie sitting on the corner of my desk. I lost it completely. "I'm- I.. Stop mentioning him. Just stop for a while. I need time. I need space and I need to clear my mind. I'm sorry, I can't do this right now. It's too much for me. I'm sorry."

I didn't think I'd break down like that. I spent all my energy on Nick. I was.. weak. Helpless. Annoyed at myself.

I don't need anyone. I need rest.