You've Got it Bad

Eighty Five

Perrie's POV

We'd been staying at Leigh's for the past few days and it's been so much fun for all of us. It's felt like a vacation. I just hated to uproot our family like that, but I had no choice. I seriously needed to get her away from that girl. Now, if I could just keep all of the shitty people who are still able to trigger her away from her so she can freaking heal, that be great.

Over the past few days, we'd been slowly trying to work on her issues. Or at least develop a plan. Her therapy was increased to twice a week, and one of those days I was asked to be there to learn how to help her at home. Which I didn't mind at all.

When she visited her doctor the morning after the incident with Sarah, she was evaluated and diagnosed by her doctor with a mental disorder called Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). Something neither of us had ever even heard of.

Apparently it was something that was a lot less known about, but still affected 1 out of 7 people. At first, when Jade told me what she said, I thought it was something the doctor made up, but when I researched it myself and saw the signs, it sounded just like her.

Her episodes were described as something like extreme adult temper tantrums that often lead to rage and aggression and sometimes violence. And could also be caused by childhood abuse and/or violence and childhood trauma, all of which was her life. Sadly, she ticked nearly every box.

At first, Jade didn't know how to deal with the info. Another diagnosis. Another mental health problem. She cried that day and all day the next, sick of the aftermath of her childhood still beating her down as an adult. An adult who was trying so hard to move on and be happy. For once.

I could see she was so frustrated, and I just wanted to make it all go away, but I couldn't. All I could do was be there for her, and not let her go down the road of self blame, which she often tried. It took a while, but I was able to convince her that she was okay, but the way she thought about and described the inside of her mind made my heart hurt even more for her.

She said it felt like quicksand inside her head. Like the more effort she put into trying to get out, the deeper she sank. I don't know why, but for some reason that image was crystal clear to me, and I don't think I've ever understood anything more than I understood how she was feeling.

Still, I have not and will not let her give up. I won't let every fucked up individual who just stomped her further into the ground win. I won't let her past beat her. Not when her future is so bright. Not when we have so much more to do. Not just us as a couple, she's got so much more to do, herself. So much more to give. It would be a disservice to keep that kind of internal beauty from the world. Not on my watch.

She can't see right now, but I can. I told her until it's as HD to her as it is to me, I'll be her eyes, just hold onto me and I'll walk her through the dark. All I'm asking her to do is keep walking. Keep her feet moving.

I'll hold her through every breakdown. I'll be there to pull her out of every episode. I'll sit by her side day and night. I'll go to every single therapy session. I'll wake up every day of my life and make it my full time job to pull her out of the dark if I have to.

All she kept asking through her tears was 'why'. Not why her, but why I would be willing to do all of that. Why I haven't gotten sick of her and left yet. I don't think she understands the magnitude of my love for her. If she did, she wouldn't ask me those questions. Or maybe she did, and just questioned if she deserved it.

Either way, I love that woman with every bone in my body and I would do any and everything for that smile of hers. She's had it so bad for so long and I refuse to let her go backwards. I'll never stop fighting for her, even if it's her I have to fight.