I kissed her head gently as she went into bed. I pulled the door slightly too and checked on Harvey, he was fast asleep. I went back downstairs and looked out the window and there was no sign of Erin or a taxi or any of the girls. I rung Erin's mobile number but she didn't bother to pick up. I made myself a cup of tea and sat down on the sofa with the TV on quietly in the living room so I could sit and wait for Erin to come home.
11:00pm.
I paced the living room as I waited for Erin to just come in through the door but no still no sign of her. Surely she wouldn't be out much longer? She promised me that now we had the kids she wouldn't go out for hours.
12:30am.
Still no sign of her. I'd left her about 30 missed calls and several text messages too but she wasn't responding to anything and now her phone was going straight to voicemail as well.
4:00am.
The door opened and Gabby came in.
"Where's Erin?"
"Club?" She smiled before laying on the armchair and practically passing out. What else could I do? There was literally nothing to do. I just sighed and went upstairs and sat in the bedroom on the edge of the bed looking around at all the photos of myself and Erin from our 'happy days.' Look at our wedding day photos. We were happy, full of smiles and laughter. Everything was wonderful and enjoyable but now we could hardly keep it together even on a good day.
**
My phone was dead, my feet were aching, my hands were dry and my head was banging. I could smell this lovely nice spicy smell spray. I sat up and opened my eyes to find myself on someone's sofa. This wasn't my house. I rubbed my eyes and looked down, I was wearing a baggy top and shorts. I threw the blanket off me onto the back of the sofa and stood up. I nearly lost my balance.
"Don't fall. You are probably still a bit drunk and you most likely have or will have a mean hangover soon." He smiled as I looked at him trying not to cry.
"What happened last night?" I took the water and painkillers he handed me. He smiled before we sat down together on the sofa and I put the blanket over me again.
"Your phone is on charge in the kitchen by the way." He smiled. "Also last night you got yourself into a complete state." He sighed looking down.
"Oh no. I'm so sorry. What did I do? What on earth was I drinking?"
"Bottles of stuff, shots, more bottles. Whatever you could afford. You didn't exactly do anything stupid but you got so drunk that you passed out and fell over outside the club so I bought you home and got you cleaned up and sorted out and I let you sleep out here on the sofa, I also text Jay off your phone and told him you'd called a taxi and were staying at a hotel and that you'd be home later today." He smiled gently at me.
"Thank you Adam that really means a lot to me." I smiled.
"Go grab a shower I'll wash your clothes and I'll drop you home." He kissed my forehead before I went into his bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror I saw my scraggy hair, chapped lips, makeup stained face and once again my black, puffy, sore eyes. I took a big tearful breath before running the water for my shower.
**
I was so thankful it was the weekend. Both the kids were still asleep. I'd done the housework and was treating myself to a cup of coffee in the garden under the sun. I heard next door's kids running around in their garden and it just made me think about how I've ruined everything completely. Like how if I hadn't of started this stupid affair with Abby then Erin and I would of been so happy now. We both still had a strong love for each other but we weren't sure how to make things work anymore. How are you supposed to be happy with someone who doesn't even trust you?
"Jay?" Her soft voice broke me out of my day dream and I stood up.
"Oh thank god you're home." I smiled pulling her into my chest and holding her in a tight embrace.
"Yeah sorry I crashed out and didn't have enough money to get home, I stayed with some of my old friends from high school in a hotel." She laughed warmly. Just seeing her big blue eyes lit me up. She was smiling and it made me so happy.
"That's okay sweetheart. I'm glad you had a good time and I'm even happier you're home now." I kissed her gently and she had this melting smile on her face.
**
I went upstairs and into see the kids. Florence was awake and playing with toys in her room. I smiled and she ran up to me and hugged me.
"Hello lovely. My little gem. Shall we cook pancakes for breakfast?" I smiled.
"Yes please mummy." She laughed. She got dressed and went downstairs and I went into the nursery and Harvey was awake and rolling around. I picked him up and gave him a proper little cuddle. I kissed his head and put him in a cloth and tied it to my chest so he was resting against my chest. I went back into Florence's room and made the bed. I finally made it downstairs and when I got there Jay was already making pancakes with Florence and they were laughing and giggling away. I smiled and sat at the counter opposite them with Harvey in the cloth against me still. I got a cup of tea and ate a banana because I felt so knackered after last night. If it hadn't of been for Adam I probably wouldn't of made it home. I needed to spend today with my family so we could sort stuff out. I still loved Jay. Of course I did but something needed to be done because things weren't working well at all.
***
Things were finally going back to normal. Harvey was healthy and strong and 6 months old now. Florence was studying for exams and focusing on school work. Erin was back at work and doing well. Me? I finished everything with Abby, I went for therapy, Erin had counselling with me to help and we managed to get back on track. So well in fact that in 6 days time we were going on a holiday to Greece together for a week while Hank had the children. I was so excited to get away just us two and Erin was looking forward to it but she was also quite worried because she hasn't left Harvey for longer than 10 hours since he's been born. It was understandable why she was worried but at the same time I think going away and relaxing and being able to chill out would help her a lot. She'd been through a lot especially this year. I mean hopefully going away now would help her and then we had some nice time to spend as a family and then we had thanksgiving and Christmas to prepare for and then birthdays and then our anniversary. Everything seemed so perfect and great.
**
Training and going back to work was the best thing I'd ever done. I was happy to be back surrounded by the people I loved. I think it was what I needed to get back on track. When I was pregnant with Harvey I think I worked so bloody hard I made myself ill. I made myself so exhausted by trying to work it caused me a lot of pain that meant I had constant appointments with the hospital for scans and check ups to make sure Harvey was okay and then when I went into labour that day it broke my heart because I blamed myself but now I'd gotten over that. I'd taken the time off work I needed to get my head straight and get Harvey awake and better and now we were all okay and things were normal. We were dropping the kids off, working for hours and then sharing the dinner and cleaning duties which was lovely because we were a proper functioning family now.
*
I got myself dressed and went downstairs to find Jay cooking breakfast with Florence and he had Harvey in a wrap against his chest.
"Morning mummy." Jay smiled waving Harvey's hand at me.
"Morning bear bum." I smiled taking him from Jay. He had a little baby grow on that had a little stitched in bear bum and tail on the bum and the hood had a little face. I fed him some of the bottle milk and then while they were eating their breakfast and I patted Harvey's back and bum to burp him but he was just crying and screaming in my ear. It was because he wanted to crawl around but he couldn't. We didn't have time. He had to come with until I had my meeting.
**
We dropped Florence off and headed off to work. I smiled as Jay held my hand while I pushed the buggy.
"You look very pale? And very pasty?" He smiled.
"Yeah I feel a bit dodgy." I sighed.
"Nervous?"
"Very nervous indeed. I didn't think I'd feel like this. I'm normally so confident about things like this." I laughed.
"You know you're going to smash it okay?" He smiled kissing my forehead again as we continued from the parking lot up to the main doors and into reception. We carried the buggy up the stairs and eventually managed to get to our floor.
**
I put the phone down and headed out of my office. Walking stick in my hand as I tried not to limp too badly. I smiled when they both turned around and I saw the way Jay looked at Erin. She was in her best outfit. Her hat carefully on her head with her hair in a bun at the back of her head and 2 extremely curly bits either side of her face. She smiled and come over to me and hugged me.
"You've got this today. I promise." I smiled.
"Thank you dad. I'm so nervous." She laughed gently but the fear was in her voice.
"Have a cup of tea and a cuddle with Harvey before you go." I smiled.
**
I kissed his cheek before he sat down at our desk. I smiled and Jay put his arms around my neck and rested his chin on my hat and hummed to me. Then as I finished my cup of tea Antonio come up the stairs in his suit too and smiled at me.
"Ready?" He smiled.
"As I'll ever be." I laughed. I kissed Jay gently and everyone shouted good luck as we headed down together. We got in Antonio's car and we began our journey to headquarters.
"Let's make a deal." He laughed. "If you mess up once you're driving home." He smiled.
"Deal." I nodded as we burst into laughter.
** (This next part of this story is a discussion between Jay and Hank about Erin's wellbeing in the past and present and it is it going to get emotional and I want to say now there is a trigger warning for self harm, eating disorders and other upsetting topics but you may also find it helpful as it's based on personal experience's.)
I felt nervous for her. Harvey was getting fidgety and not sleeping. I smiled when Hank came over and sat next to me.
"She's got this." He smiled.
"Yeah I know. It's just nerve wracking isn't it. Like right now I'm a mess and I'm just waiting for that phone call from her. But it's scary because it'll either be positive or negative. I hope it's positive because if it's negative I don't know how it's going to affect her." I sighed.
"Yeah that's understandable Jay but she needs to learn that things don't always go right and things happen and there are always ways of getting around it but sometimes it might take a while. Jay seriously sometimes she needs a stern talking too." He smiled as I looked at this photo of her holding Harvey that was on my desk.
"Yeah I know that but she's fragile Hank. Like honestly she takes things harder than a normal person. A simple thing like not having the right things in the fridge to make a meal she wanted will send her into this emotional messy state and that's what causes issues. Because we know she doesn't mean to get like that but it happens and then she ends up in states of mania and depression and it goes wrong." I looked him in the eye even though I was crying and he was clearly now getting a understanding of what I was going through at home with Erin.
"What do you mean? Jay you've never spoken to me about this? Please Jay talk to me? Tell me about everything that's going on at home." He sighed.
"Why does it matter?" I wiped my tearful eyes and looked over at Harvey for a few moments before giving in and getting myself together to tell Hank about everything. "I know it's not her fault but she just worries me because we've got 2 beautiful perfect children and if anything was to happen to her I would be so upset. I think I would blame myself just because I would feel like I never did enough to help her out." I smiled gently. Almost laughing because I just noticed how stupid I sounded.
"Jay for god sakes. Ask me for help next time. Honestly don't go through this by yourself. Like please next time when she plays up you ring me, or come over. Don't go through this alone." He smiled as he hugged me.
**
"So tell me Detective Lindsay why do you think this job is for you?"
"I believe I could do this job wonderfully because I am a strong, independent confident Detective. I'm happy in my current position but I've always wanted to try something new. I take on new cases and I think this is perfect for me." I smiled.
"But isn't your father currently in this position?"
"Yes but we keep our relationship professional. We are just at work until we get home." I smiled.
"Do you think you are able to run the unit?"
"Yes I have done it before on several occasions and I know I can do it." I smiled. I finished up and went and sat outside while Antonio went in for his round. I was quite nervous and my hand was shaking while I was trying to drink my tea.
**
"Hello?" I smiled as I nervously picked up my phone.
"Jay.." She sighed.
"Oh no Erin. Don't get upset."
"Put the kettle on. I need one when I get back." She hung up and left me sitting there feeling quite bad for her actually. I put the kettle on and within 20 minutes they come back up the stairs and just stood there.
"Guess who got the job!!" Erin absolutely beamed and I ran out the staff room over to her hugging her and picking her up in my arms.
"I'm so proud of you." I smiled with a tearful laugh as I kissed her. She smiled and I was still holding her up in my arms against my chest and she kissed me again. "I love you."
"I love you too." She smiled.