Mixed Signals.

98.

Never did I see myself a mum of 2 beautiful children. Never I saw myself getting married to my best friend and wear the dress of my dreams. I had the best wedding, and I have the greatest friends around me. The times I did imagine myself as a mum I saw myself walking underneath the sun while my husband took photos of me and walked arm in arm with me. Never did I see myself spending weeks on end in hospital after giving my daughter bone marrow, or spending time in hospital after giving birth to watch my new-born daughter have open heart surgery. I never imagined myself going through the heartbreak of losing so many pregnancies. I never thought I'd have to bury my own child. Like I never expected to go through a pregnancy while my husband's fighting thousands of miles away with no contact. But you know the thing that hit me hardest? The hospital bombing, falling and getting the injury from that rusty metal pipe. Knowing the damage it caused, knowing it would make it even harder to carry a baby. But yet I had Harvey, my now 4 year old son who was perfect in everyway possible, and now, right now as I'm writing this I'm sat here looking down at the tiny little bump I can see sticking out above my shorts, the bump, the 7 week old little ball of cells inside me. I knew we weren't at the 12 week checkpoint yet but this was our baby. This was my baby and I couldn't wait to hold it in my arms and know I'd done it. I'd lived up to the childhood dream of being a mum to 3 beautiful children with a husband who I loved spending every minute of everyday with and a job in which I dedicated my life and I loved.

"Whatcha doing?" He smiled as he flopped down on the bed with me.

"Just writing." I smiled kissing him gently. He smiled again before resting his head on my tummy and closing his eyes. "You are a weirdo." I laughed as I ran my fingers through his hair. I closed my laptop lid and hugged him instead.

"We've got a whole week without the kids. What shall we do?"

"Will considering they aren't here I think we should buy the decorating stuff and begin with the re paint. We should surprise the kids and decorate both of their rooms as well." I smiled.

"Oh yes! What a good idea." He laughed. "What colour do you want to paint?"

"Florence's room should be lemon, like pastel lemon coloured. Harvey would love like random if he could have it so I'm thinking I'll paint it a jungle theme and I'll paint little animals on it. So I'll work on the kids rooms and you do our room." I smiled. He entangled our fingers together and he stroked my palm gently.

"I think about you a lot you know. Even right now you are on my mind."

"Well I'm not sure if that's a positive or a negative really." I laughed gently. I kissed him again, he rested our hands on my tummy. "For 7 weeks the bump is cute."

"It's certainly there. I know you can't hide it put it that way." He smiled.

"There's no reason I'd need to hide it. Everyone knows." I smiled again.

"I know but I meant if you went to see old friends and you wanted to hide it then you couldn't." We both let out a small laugh together before he closed his eyes again and just held my hand. The kids had gone on a small vacation with Jay's mum and dad so we had this whole week to just be together and spend quality time together. We had some stuff planned. We were going out for dinner on Wednesday and on Friday I had a talk with the girls for our campaign because I hadn't done it in about 6 years and the girls wanted me to be their guest Friday. I was looking forward to being back there actually.

Monday Morning.

We had all the paints and I was working on our bedroom. Erin had taken on the kids rooms. I stripped out the bedroom. The bed was now a mattress on the floor with some blankets. Erin had stripped out the kids bedrooms as well. I could hear her blasting out the music, she was listening to her indie playlist through the speaker on the landing. I could see her dancing around as well while she was putting the paint in the trays.