We slip and slide as we fall in love,
And I just can't seem to get enough of.
S Y K E S:
I found myself holding Zaire's hand as he sat in my lap, my fingers playing with the buttons on my cell phone, trying to decide it was truly time to call my father.
I had told Zaire I was going to stand up for him, and I meant it. I just couldn't get the apprehension to go away. I shouldn't be such a pussy about my father, and I know it. I'm just letting my childhood fears lead me as an adult, and I cannot do that anymore. I'm forty years old now. No more time to fuck around with my daddy issues.
"Master," Zaire said soothingly, putting a hand on my shoulder. I smiled at him, and pressed my father's name in my contacts, pressing send before I could second-guess myself. I have to do this, if not for myself, for my slave.
I let my father speak badly of him, and I didn't say anything, for whatever reason. I felt at the moment like I could say something to him, but I hadn't because Zaire had asked me kindly not to make him dislike him.
Now though, Zaire realized that he was a foul, loathsome asshole. There's no hope for him to ever like anyone.
The man has never been happy and there isn't someone alive that can change him. I will never understand how my mother put up with him. My mother wasn't a bad mother, she didn't stand up to my father, but she'd never physically hurt me. I feel like my mother was just stuck like I was. She spent her time hoping and praying that I'd get out sooner rather than later so that she didn't have to see my father get angry at me anymore.
I really couldn't blame her, either. Her family had practically offered her to my father when they were younger, and I knew my snotty rich grandparents well. They wouldn't have let her come back to them after she married him. It'd be a scandal.
I only helped further their popularity by being a business owner, and buying smaller businesses and turning them into huge businesses. The third ring, it stopped ringing midway through and I thought for a moment he'd sent me to voicemail and nearly sighed in relief. "Sykes?" He asked, and I shook my head, looking down at my phone.
"Father," I said calmly, looking at Zaire to pull my strength. "I know I don't make it a habit to call you, however this is a bit important." I said, and he snickered a bit, and I could picture him rolling his eyes at me as if I'd disturbed him.
"Let me guess, this is about your little prostitute boyfriend, correct?" he asked, and I had to fight back the urge to jump through the phone at him.
"Zaire is not a prostitute, father." I said, trying to remain calm. "However, you are correct on some accounts. I am calling about him in a way." I said, and he scoffed.
"He's so below you, I knew that you would come to your senses. I have a man that'd be perfect for you—very successful." He started.
"What?" I asked, shocked.
"I found a man for you when I realized that Zaire and you are certainly not meant to be. He's a doctor, and he's very good—!" my father began.
"I'm not marrying some man you found me father." I snapped. "I'm not calling to tell you that I've left Zaire. I'm calling to let you know that I'm not going to be leaving Zaire. He's my lover whether you like it or not, and I'm not going to leave him. Nor am I going to allow you to disrespect him. He is much more important to me than any other of my lovers ever have been." My father scoffed.
"Certainly you cannot be serious Sykes, he's a whore." My father said, and I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down some. "I have seen you have some questionable boys in the past, but honestly, you're just shooting lower and lower. This time you've really scraped the bottom of the barrel, haven't you?"
"No father, I haven't. Zaire is not a whore, and honestly, at least I love him. You are such a fucking hypocrite, aren't you? Do you really believe that just by telling me this person is a doctor is going to make me want him? I love Zaire." I snapped.
"Sykes honestly, he's a gold digging—!" He started but I immediately cut him off there.
"Now wait a goddamned minute!" I snapped angrily, "Zaire is not gold digging! He had to take a leave of absence from work. Big fucking deal. We were in a steady relationship before he even took the damn time off. However, I really don't need to explain this to you. My relationship, my business. It's not my fault you've got some fucked up morals that you're trying to shove off on me." I snapped, my temper snapping. "I do not care what you want for me—or my empire as you call it. I will not marry someone for political purposes." I took a deep and angry breath. "Zaire is above me, he's twelve thousand steps above your pathetic little ass. I should've just told you where to shove it when we were there, but I was trying to honor my word to Zaire."
"Master," Zaire whispered, and I shook my head, holding up a finger at him to silence him. He nodded immediately, snuggling up to my chest and running his fingers over my abdomen slowly.
"I should have just told you when we were there that I think you're the biggest piece of scum on the planet. You prey on peoples weaknesses, make them vulnerable, and then you squash every hope they ever have like a bug. You are pathetic. You are the gold digger. You suck the life out of everyone around you and you hope to make them just as fucking miserable as you are. But guess what? You've failed. I've fallen in love with the most amazing man I've ever met. I know there's an age difference, and I do not give a single shit. Zaire loves me, and I know it—everyone can tell." I snarled into the phone. "I don't care about your opinion. You're nothing but scum, and as far as I'm concerned, you no longer have a son. Goodbye, father." I snapped, the words coming out of my mouth like venom as I snarled them at him. I slammed the phone down on the table in front of me and Zaire reached for it, quickly pressing the end call button. We sat in silence a moment.
I felt like I was losing control. Like I couldn't control anything anymore. I'd held my emotions and feelings about my father in, controlling them so tightly that it, in some fucked up way, helped me hold myself together.
Now it felt like a dam had broken, and I couldn't stop the waves of emotions damaging everything inside of me.
"Master, calm down." Zaire whispered softly, running his hands down my chest softly, looking up at me with stunning blue eyes. I sighed deeply, looking into those blue eyes of his. There was something so caring about the look in them. That look melted me.
The anger, the desperation all melted away, and I felt like myself again—even if it was for just a moment. He was mine—he was here still. He didn't go away like every other slave had in the past. He had been a constant, and I had never realized how much I desired that until I met him. Until I fell for him.
With us, it hadn't been a slow incline. I had known I wanted him from the very start. I looked at him and all I wanted was his touch, I wanted to watch his slim body writhe on the table as I tortured him, I wanted to feel his tight hole around my length just to watch him shake and moan, just to feel his body on mine.
I wanted him so goddamned much that it hurt. I couldn't see anyone else around us. I knew they were there, but he was all I could focus on.
As much as I fucking hated it, it had been like in those cheesy movies that Zaire likes so much. The romance movies where the world around the people seems to blur and all you can see is each other—that's how I, even though I hate to admit it—had to explain my attraction to Zaire.
It'd been instantaneous, almost. "Master, it's okay." Zaire whispered softly, sinking down in front of me to his knees, baring his neck to me immediately. "I'm not going anywhere."
I bit my lip and looked down at him, so overcome with love and desire for him. "I want you." It wasn't what I'd meant to say, truthfully I couldn't sort out what I was thinking.
I was pissed about my father, about all the things that I'd been holding in, and about all of the things he'd said about my baby. I was pissed about what he'd done to me—who he made me. I was pissed about how he had the audacity to try to find me a new lover.
But even more than that, Zaire seemed to hold me down to earth like an anchor. Pulling me under waves of emotions I'd just discovered were possible with someone as broken as me. I felt like I was swimming in a sea of him.
And that's all I needed to make myself okay.
"Then take me." The way he said it was so submissive and caring, I couldn't help but reach down and grab his hair, pulling him up into my lap again without a thought. I weaved my fingers through his hair. His face immediately slacked into a look of submission.
I smiled softly down at him where he sat in my lap. I brought him closer to me, kissing him softly. I slowly let myself become lost in him, his taste, and the feel of his body on mine.
~ + ~
I woke up without his slight weight on my chest and I reached out, searching for his slight warmth but only found cool sheets. I sat up, looking for him around the room. I glanced over at the clock and saw that the clock said 3:03 AM.
The time jarred me quite a bit and I stood up immediately, reaching for my robe and wrapping my body in it. I heard the water running in the bathroom and I walked to it, where he was showering.
He looked so beautiful with water cascading all over his body. The room was steamy. The steam from the shower fogged up the glass walls of the stand-up shower and the mirror. I found myself slinking farther into the bathroom, taking my robe off and throwing it over the counter with the sink.
I then opened up the door to the shower and crawled in behind him. I reached forward, drawing him back to me, and he gasped, turning around and throwing the loofah at me. It hit me square in the face getting body wash in my eyes. "FUCK!" He squealed, and I blinked at him in shock. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.." He trailed off, looking over me in horror.
"It's okay," I said, and he nodded.
The look on his face was terrified, but he had a somehow humorous look in his eyes as he looked over me. He looked like he was going to burst into giggles and I couldn't help but chuckle.
"Your face," I said, the pain in my eyes was present, but I learned to ignore it when I was younger. I found myself reaching forward and pulling him to me, laughing into the crook of his neck. I felt him shaking, and then heard the beautiful little bell of his laugh.
I found myself laughing and laughing, found myself seeking the comfort of his smaller body against my own. And I wasn't worried about the fact that my eyes were burning. It felt too good. Too good.
This shouldn't feel too good, but it does.
He shouldn't feel like home, but he does.
Overall, I'm just completely gone for him. He's mine, and I'm his. There's no way for me to ever think of anyone else.
This is home...