A/N: Okay, so Beauty and The Beast couldn't get out of my head (especially the soundtrack, like OMFG). So here is a mini playlist for this chapter (this include the namesake of this chapter):
"If I Can't Love Her" from Beauty and The Beast (Broadway version) - Josh Groban
"Evermore" from Beauty and The Beast (2017 film) - Josh Groban/Dan Stevens
"All I Ask Of You" from Phantom of The Opera (Original Broadway version) - Cliff Richard and Sarah Brightman
Okay enough with my long author's note. Enjoy the chapter. - Alex xoxo
~Ariana~
Michael was angry red, pissed. Mark and I watched him stomp from his behind as the three of us made our way to the hotel suite.
He unlocked the door by aggressively swiping the key on its slot, like the lock to the door did something to Michael that made him this mad.
"Why? Why is that every time I planned on something, shit always get hit by the fan?" Michael yelled, more to himself, as soon as the door was closed behind us to let all of his bottled emotions out.
"Michael, screaming your problems out won't solve anything," Mark, as usual, attempted to calm angry Michael down, and as usual, Michael did not listen.
"Really Mark? Oh shit, I should've thought of that years ago," sarcasm dripped from Michael's words as Mark rolled his eyes in frustration with Michael's temper, "how does calming myself down solve anything? It's always back to square one."
"We can think of something, we can always try Plan B," Michael walked over to the mini fridge to pull out a bottle of whisky that was stashed inside, for him to pour himself a glass as Mark talked.
"Yeah, we tried Plan B remember? And Plan C, and Plan D, and all the way," Michael traced the air like he was lining up the letters of the alphabet in front of us, "all the way to Plan Z, which didn't go just as well as the others."
Michael tipped his head back to consume all of the brown liquids down his throat, before he let out a more relaxed sigh once he's done.
"Alcohol can only cool me down, you should know that by now."
Mark grabbed the bottle from Michael's hands before he could pour some more into his glass, "Hey! That's mine!" Michael whined like a selfish little kid wanting his toy back from a playmate.
Before Mark could say anything else to Michael, he stepped back towards my direction to whisper, "You don't have to awkwardly stand there, just go to your room and get ready for bed. I left something for you on the dresser too, you can keep it if you need it."
"Mark, I'm not a kid anymore," was what I wanted to say, but Mark cut me off from that.
"Please, Ariana," It took Mark's pleading voice to convince me to walk myself towards my room and follow his orders accordingly.
But even if I followed Mark's orders, I could still hear the muffled arguments he and Michael were having despite the texture of the timber of this door.
Like Mark just told me, there was an envelope on the top of my dresser with the words 'For Ariana' in surprisingly the neatest hand writing in cursive form.
Curiosity over took me as I carefully ripped the seal of the envelope to reveal a good amount of cash that was enough to travel around the world at least once.
My tired eyes widen at the sight of green in my hands, that were still shaking after that incident at the club, as I nearly let the money go, that could've set a mini rainstorm of bills in my room. Luckily, my eyes caught sight on a piece of paper, that was falling past my waist as it was about to hit the cold tiled floor.
-Michael-
:Sometimes I feel like, I've got to get away:
I don't know if I should blame myself for giving away such sinful information, but she would eventually find out either way, I was already dead to her since then. Or I must be fucked up in the head.
This was the second time around that I've hurt my Ariana, my little girl. I made a commitment to her and also to myself that I would never, even try, to break her heart. She probably hates me now for making her believe in something that I couldn't stay true of, there's no going back now as she will never forgive me.
For years, I've trained my thoughts that I can accept this reality, that I have already moved on. Apparently this whole time, I've been lying to myself.
My grip on the empty glass in my hand tightened as I shot an annoyed glare at Mark, "Mark, I don't want to fight with you," my groggy voice from the alcohol was much calmer than my temper.
"Me neither Michael, but you can't lose hope," Mark then started to walk away with the one thing that kept me sane for the longest time.
"What are you doing?" I growled at Mark, fury flaming in my eyes.
"Fixing you," Mark then lifted the whiskey above the sink. I couldn't scream out 'stop' as he was already emptying the bottle to the last drop.
"What the fuck Mark?"
"You are much better than this, get that 'drink binging' habit of yours out of your system, because it never helped."
"How did you know that Mark? Do you know what it's like to fuck up your plans every time we're on the field? Do you know what it's like to feel the pain in your chest, every time you thought about how you left the love of your life in exchange for her safety? Do you know what it's like to be physically tortured by the only person who I wanted to be killed right now? Tell me now Mark, do you?"
Mark remained silent as he studied me panting heavily in anger and frustration through his nerdy square-rimmed glasses.
Of course he wouldn't understand. I was never understood in the first place.
"Fixing me," I mocked Mark's words before I slammed the glass against the wall as it exploded in front of me, leaving a dent on the white paint, but I don't care.
Silence emitted between us except my angry unsteady breaths. I'm going to clean up the mess later.
"I think, I think you should get some rest," Mark's hand was being clapped on my shoulder awkwardly but I didn't shrug it off, because I'm not a complete dick and I knew that he meant well.
I knew I was alone in the main living room of the hotel suite when I sensed the lights being dimmed down, creating an eerie atmosphere in the room.
I didn't want to sleep yet, and my alcohol was all thrown away by Mark. Maybe I should write an entry on my diary before I could go to bed.
Day 542
Well, my plan didn't go as planned, again. I'm starting to have doubts on my initial idea to kill Chandler, this guy's unstoppable anyway. It's been, what, 542 days into this mission and yet, no progress has been made. Maybe it's better if I let Chandler kill me off, at least I wouldn't feel bad for anyone I'm leaving behind. My family probably would at first, but it would subside sooner than you think. I wonder what heaven would be like...
***
I couldn't go to sleep.
My thoughts kept on going back to Chandler, the morphine, the mission. It's that irritating, it gave me a headache that felt like it could throb for a million years.
I decided that I should drag myself out of my bed to get myself something to drink, with my bed sheets coming along with me.
I lazily made my way to the kitchen where I stepped on the broken glass that definitely needed some sweeping to prevent any cuts on the feet. It's not that I care about my physical health, I'd gladly collect all these broken shards with my foot and not even flinch at the pain, I could bear all of that.
I poured myself some boiling water into my coffee as there was nothing else other than alcohol to keep me calm, at least temporarily. I was still pissed at Mark for draining that whiskey. If he'd let me alone, then I would've been sleeping on my own by now.
My feet shuffled towards the balcony of the hotel suite to get a taste of some fresh air. I wrapped the blanket around me tighter outside as I shut the sliding door behind me. This is much better.
For a while, I just watched the city mind its own business as I drank the bitterness of the coffee, and it was indeed a pleasant view with the reflection of the moon shining on the ocean, thank goodness I chose this room.
I decided that I should grab my journal, maybe to add more to what I wrote earlier.
I went inside to grab my journal and pen to start writing a few sentences on my entry. As I was updating my journal on the coffee table, I spotted a silhouette of a small body frame, with a reusable shopping bag in one hand. She knew at this moment that she has been seen.
"Ariana? What are you doing here still up? And why are you wearing those clothes on?" I stood up from my spot to walk over closer to her as I pointed towards her outfit that was suitable for traveling.
Ariana followed her eyes to where my fingers were at as she appeared speechless by my presence here. By the silence, the packed up gear and the looks on her face, I could tell that she was about to make a departure from my life.
"I know what I did to make you feel this way was unacceptable, but this?" My voice unintentionally came down to a whisper as my heart ached for her leave. Why can't she stay for a little bit longer.
"I'm sorry, I have to go, I can't miss the flight."
Ariana was already turning herself away from me, she's making the right decision by leaving, but I couldn't let it end this way.
"Ariana, wait," I grabbed her by the waist from behind as I crooned my head onto her neck, "Stay for a little while?"
"I can't miss the flight," Ariana repeated what she said earlier as she tried to pry my arms away from her, I only made my hold for her tighter.
"Five minutes," I removed my grasp from her to spin her around so she was facing me. Her eyes that sparkled like the stars, they always have their way to entice me every time I looked deep into them, "That is all the time I ask from you to say goodbye."
She has to go, not because she wants to, but because she doesn't need me. She doesn't deserve me. I don't deserve her.
"Okay," Ariana replied quietly, it was almost like a squeak of a mouse.
"Oh thank you, I promise I won't take long," I wrapped my arms around her again, her entire body inside the doona of my blanket and I felt her hands snaking from my waist to my back, which sent shivers down my spine as she returned the embrace.
I rested my chin on Ariana's head as I thought about what I should tell her. Quick Michael, think of something, time is ticking.
"I'm sorry," I wanted to say, but it was Ariana who beat me to it.
"Why are you sorry?" We didn't move at all, we remained at this position as we talked.
"Because I was clearly excess luggage you need to take out. I shouldn't have joined you, that way I wouldn't have to feel... like this again."
My body pained at the reminder of what I did to her, it felt like I was being stabbed on the chest repeatedly.
"I know that I didn't keep my promise, heck, it didn't even last for a week," I wanted to chuckle to make the moment as light as possible, but I decided not to, otherwise I would sound like a complete douchebag, "but if you didn't came along, I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I love you."
"Michael, stop."
"No Ariana, I'm serious," I was aware that the words I was about to say from my heart may or may not affect Ariana greatly, but I needed her to know how I feel before she leaves, "I did loved you, and I still do, you are my one and only."
"What about Natalie?"
"She's just a one night stand to me, I don't even remember her name until you mentioned it, that is how much I preferred you over her," I pulled away from the hug to look into those beautiful eyes I fell in love with since the first time I've met her. This could be the last time I could see them shine.
"But you still decided to sleep with her." Sadly, that was true. I was drunk, wasted and felt like shit at the time, I didn't know what I was doing that night, I couldn't remember.
"I wanna give you something before you go," I changed the subject quickly as I left her momentarily to retrieve my journal.
"What do you want me to do with that?" She asked me as she remained standing in front of me with her arms folded.
"To keep it," I stated the obvious in a way that wasn't meant to annoy anyone, hopefully, "Just take it, at least you have something left of me while I'm gone."
My journal was then slowly taken away from me. My journey, my struggles, my feelings, were all stashed into that one book, for two years. I hope she finally gets to understand the real me after reading the last page.
"I have taken good care of my journal, I hope you would do the same for me," I concluded as Ariana looked from my journal to me, slowly stepping away from me and getting closer to the door. This can't be goodbye.
But it has to.
"I have to go." Please don't.
"Okay, have a safe flight." Run back into my arms little girl.
"Thanks, take care of yourself." Don't leave me.
"Goodbye." Stay with me.
"Goodbye." I love you.
She turned around, and without looking back, she was gone. Gone from my life for the second time.
I thought experiencing something for the second time would make things easier for a lot of people. Well, I thought wrong.
My body couldn't process this new information as I lost my balance and stumbled against the wall with my hot tears making its appearance.
I felt like a fucking teenage girl crying for the loss of her relationship with her boyfriend, I often wondered if Ariana cried just as much as I do.
That way I know that she also cared, that she also didn't want to let go. Like that will happen to her right now.
If I saw her again in the future, it would be different. She would be smiling, but not with me. She would be smiling with someone who's better, who can take better care of her. And what would I be doing when that time comes where I see Ariana, my love, being happier with someone else other than me?
As I balled my eyes out, I noticed a note that was sitting on the ground of the cold tiled floor.
It must be for Ariana and she might've dropped it on her way out.
I told myself that I shouldn't read the note, it's for Ariana and it's none of my business anyway. But my stubborn brain wouldn't listen as my fingers insisted on unfolding the note to reveal familiar handwriting inscribed onto it, with its cursive writing neat and on point.
Here's some cash for your travels. I'm sorry for involving you in Michael's mess, have a safe trip home.
Yours, Mark.
So Mark was the one who told Ariana to go home.
What right does he have to make that decision for her? Is he, like, her boss now?
Anger returned to my senses as I stood up to walk over the balcony and ripped the note to shreds, tossing it away to watch it shower the ground below.
I punched the concrete wall multiple times until my knuckles bled, but numb as I couldn't feel the pain. I gripped a handful of my bed hair in frustration, my back, leaned against the balcony railings.
Calm down Michael. I couldn't calm down. I'm always angry, frustrated, stressed, broken hearted, so how the fuck am I suppose to calm down?
My hands were shaking like they're mad as I tried my best to stand back up to get back in my room, but I failed.
I took deep breaths as I thought about my past, how it was so much better than the present.
The sun was slowly showing itself to the world for half a day as I pulled my phone out to dial home, I need someone to talk me out of this and to let me know that everything will be alright.
Anxiety took over my body as multiple rings has already passed by and no one has picked up the phone yet.
I was about to give up and hang up the phone until I heard the receiver being picked up.
"Hello?" My mother's voice ringed out from my phone speaker as I gasped at the sound of her innocence. It has been years since I've last heard her voice.
"Hello? Who's this?" For some reason, I wasn't able to respond, I think it was better for me to listen to her voice for once, instead of me talking.
Silence came between us, and I honestly thought that she hanged up on me until, "Michael?"
My eyes glossed at the mention of my name, the pain she must have felt waiting for me to go home every night.
"Michael, baby, is that you?" I nodded my head 'yes' in response, but again, no words were being formed from my mouth.
"Oh Michael, if this is you, please come home, I've been waiting for you, where have you been, baby?"
I couldn't hold my emotions anymore as I sobbed onto the phone, and I knew Mother heard that when she started to coo over the phone.
"Michael, it's okay, shhh, I'm right here," it was almost like she was just here beside me, amazing how mothers can do that no matter how much distance you are apart from each other.
"What's wrong my son?"
"I messed up, my life is a mess," I choked in my own tears, I wasn't able to form the right words.
"You can let it all out Michael, remember deep breathes."
I followed as I was told, which made me feel slightly better about myself.
By the end of the conversation, Mother knew everything that happened in my life for the past two years, from when I left her and Ariana, to my failed plans on killing Chandler.
When Mother found out about my undeniable feelings for Ariana, she asked me where Ariana was with excitement in her tone.
I sadly told her that she has already left for the airport not too long ago, which made my mother suddenly pipe up in fury, "What are you doing just sitting there Michael? Go to her!"
"But Mother-"
"No buts, you love her don't you?"
"Very much," I replied with a short sigh.
"Then go to her, run after her, show her how much you don't want to let her go. Because I promise you, you will live with this regret for the rest of your life."
Right, I should fight for her. It's about time that I finally get what I want. I slowly stood up from the ground as I entered the hotel suite to grab Mark's car keys. Fuck him, he was the one who told Ariana, my only reason to live, to disappear from my life.
"Thank you Mother for the talk, I will try to get home when I can."
"Of course, you go get her baby, I'll see you soon."
We hanged up together as I bolted through the hotel to make my way to the empty underground parking where the car was.
Without wasting too much time, because God knows how long I've got left before she's gone forever, I started the ignition and stomped my foot on the accelerator, screeched tyres can be heard from the inside as I sped the car onto the suburban road, not giving a fuck if I get pulled over by the police to retrieve a speeding ticket.
My girl is more important than getting myself out of trouble. Ariana will be in my arms once again, amd I'm not letting this go easily this time.
A/N: My heart is broken for Mariana... But it is now rejoiced that Michael will finally fight for the love!!!!!! (YASSSSS BOO, YOU GET YO GIRL!)
Vote/comment if you like the new new.
Till next time my lovelies.
- Alex xoxo