𝐙𝐚𝐫𝐚|𝟏| [𝟏𝟖+] ✔

Chapter 41

I needed to remember.

I wanted to know this man more than anything, the feelings I have around him seem to have me challenging my every action the past few hours.

I have hatred for him but something stronger is lurking and I have to know.

The slight excitement I had was the first wave of emotional connections for him when I realised we couldn't leave yet. It was risky to be here but I would stay here for weeks on end if we could.

Every conversation we had brought me closer.

When his lips pressed to mine I felt something indescribable.

But when it came to the sex, something I thought would be the key to the locked chest, buried somewhere full of the missing pieces of Theo and I.

It didn't work.

I loved Thomas and it made sense when Theo declared I had chosen him. He would never speak to me again if he ever found out what had happened here, sleeping with someone he had grown so close to.

Theo is just as bad, Thomas is his friend so I wouldn't be taking the full blame.

I should be worried about what he will do, but I'm not?

Deep down, I know Thomas will always be there for me.

Deep down, he is still that little boy who ran after the popular girl and did her homework, pleading for her attention.

The first time I had ever kissed him I had swerved his every move, he told a number of people about it and I had suppressed it which in turn, got him tormented more for being a liar.

I watched as boys kicked the shit out of him and spat in his face. I didn't try to stop it, I stood aside applauding along with everyone else.

I had to watch the whole school belittle him every single day. I laughed along with people, but when I got home and met him round his back garden I would kiss him some more.

But, he would give Theo a run for his money nowadays.

He wasn't this timid boy whose hands would shake as they held onto my hips and got nervous when I sat on him in his treehouse.

I was so certain that I would and did lose my virginity to him. I think I lost it to Theo, I have a vague memory of me being anxious and him trying to comfort me while sliding his knees between my legs.

I remember his whispers in my ear of how much he loved me, wanted a forever with me while I fought through the sting.

Some parts have come back, the relationship between the two of them wasn't the best, they hated each other because of me.

I know stuff went on between us, I care about Theo in ways that were different from Thomas. I know my feelings for the two of them have gone back and forth, playing with their heads.