The Pessimist

~Chapter 22~

Olive Gail

I started panicking as we walked up the stairs together. What if I had underwear on the floor? Had I forgotten to make my bed? What if he thought it was a childish room? Or it smelled funny?
The thoughts were torture in my mind. I liked Harry and didn't want my silly old bedroom to ruin his opinions of me.

As we stood infront of my bedroom door I paused. I couldn't bring myself to open the door. I took a deep breath and turned towards Harry who was stood closer to me than I thought he would be.
"Ok. I can't remember if I made my bed and there might be underwear on the floor and you might think it's not nice but just remember I spent a while decorating it a while ago." I ranted.
I felt his hands hold my upper arms and I averted my gaze to look into his eyes.
"Stop panicking. I'm not going to judge you on your bedroom if that's what you're thinking" He smiled and I nodded, turning back round to open the door.

My room was the attic room, meaning that light poured into the room. The natural light complimented the greys and whites in the room. I closed the door behind him and cursed at the fact that I hadn't taken my bin out.
"It's nice" Harry said sitting down on my grey sofa.
"Probably not as nice as yours" I smiled taking a seat on my bed.
"Yours is a lot cosier than mine. Mines cold" he said, a hint of sadness clouding his tone.
"Maybe you should get a heater" I shrugged but he shook his head.
"Not cold in that sense" he smiled.
"Oh. In what sense do you mean?"
"It doesn't matter"
I decided to drop the subject on seeing the smile fall from his face. It was odd seeing him upset. I had never really seen him upset before and didn't want to see him upset.

I admired him for a moment.
The way his hair fell in slight curls, shining bright brown under the sunlight beaming in from the slanted roof window. His eyes were closed and he looked peaceful, his hands slowly playing with the few rings on his fingers.
He was so young yet already successful and had this wonderful adventurous life. Yet something wasn't there for him. Possibly love. Possibly something I didn't even know about.
I pictured him and I walking through the bright city lights, smiling, admiring not only the scene around us but also each other, stealing glimpses at one another secretly.
I let myself get lost in the idea for a moment almost feeling it inside me.
I always thought people didn't need love. But I was coming to realise that perhaps without some form of love, something would always be missing inside. I didn't know what love was. Maybe that's why I felt so negative and pessimistic all the time. Perhaps it was love I needed to show me a new way of seeing things, a new way of thinking.
Perhaps I did need Harry.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry asked and I was snapped away from the city lights in my imagination back to my room.
"Nothing"
"You were staring at me" Hart grinned and I rolled my eyes.
"Don't flatter yourself" I smiled and flopped onto my back.
I heard footsteps before Harry came and laid next to me. I didn't turn my head to look at him.
"So, will you come with me?" He asked. I still didn't look at him. My eyes were fixated on the ceiling.
"I don't know. There's a lot to consider"
"What are you afraid of?" He asked and I felt his hand softly brush against mine.
"Planes. New places. Getting lost." I shrugged.
"That it?" He asked and I sighed.

It wasn't it. There was something else. I couldn't tell him. I didn't know how he was going to react. I didn't know how I would word it properly. I averted my eyes back to the ceiling and hoped that he didn't ask me any more about it. I didn't want to tell.

"I can tell that's not it" Harry said and I closed my eyes. Why did he have to pry? Why did he have to say that? Couldn't he see that I didn't want to talk about it?
"I don't want to tell you" I said honestly.
"I'm not going to judge you am I. We're past that" he said and I took a note of his sincerity.
I didn't speak straight away.
I just planned what to say in my head.
"I guess i just feel like I just wouldn't belong with all your business friends" I said, lying straight through my teeth.
But he bought into the lie.
"Please don't worry about that. They're all lovely I promise. Besides, Henry is really a chill guy when you get to know the real him" Harry said and I nodded.

It wasn't the truth.
I didn't care if I didn't fit in with all his business friends.
I was terrified of being with Harry. I was scared of staying in the same room as him,  going out for dinner with him and having this adventure together. I was terrified of falling for him.