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The first time Neil pushes Andrew down

can you elaborate on the first time Andrew lets Neil push him down????? what were Neil's feelings about it??? Andrews???? I need to know about the trust between my fox children

It is a long time coming, with a lot of false starts, with a lot of patience on Neil's part and hand-waving on Andrew's in regards to the ongoing delays. This last line to cross is inevitable, but it's not one that can be rushed, and considering how long it took Andrew to adjust to letting Neil get him off? Yeah, it keeps getting put off for good reason.

But Neil has had time to learn Andrew as best he can, and to learn what he himself likes, and to scrounge together advice and tips from the campus computers. So he lacks experience, but he has a lot of ideas about where to start, at least.

It is slow, partly because Neil is afraid of crossing a line, because Neil is still learning what he's supposed to be doing on this side of things, because Andrew is saying Fuck you and this is okay in the same breath with every kiss and bite of his fingers, because Neil knows better than to say Are you sure after Andrew says Yes.

It is slow, partly because Neil needs it to be slow. Neil understands what he's being given, and he understands what he's being trusted with, and it is as empowering as it is humbling, and the last thing he wants to do is screw this up. So he drags it out, forcing them both to face every step together along the way, giving Andrew time to work through everything and ignoring Andrew's unsubtle attempts to just get on with it.

Slow is the best? worst? thing they could do to each other, because slow means unraveling in slow motion, means they can't hide from each other, means they are laid bare in ways they hadn't thought possible before. It is the closest to an I love you they can come, eyes locked and breaths catching and fingers slipping helplessly on slick skin. Trying to look away from each other, from the newfound vulnerabilities, but unable to get far when they're so tangled up in each other.

It feels a bit like sabotage to Andrew? Like he's had enough time with Neil by then to know that Neil isn't lying about what he likes, and he's figured out that sex can be enjoyed by both sides, that it isn't a take-and-take-and-take that leaves the other raw and broken. He knows it is good for Neil. But he still "knows" it will be different for himself? He knows Neil is not like the others but this is sex and Andrew still has this bone-deep memory of what sex is.

But it's not, it's not, it's not, this is not something he signed up for, this is not okay because this is too raw and too real and Neil can see right through him and his too-fierce don't look at me like that is only answered by a too-calm too-measured too-pointed I see you

This isn't being taken apart, it is being unfolded, unwrapped, unraveled, and Andrew signed up for this but he didn't sign up for this and it's going to take a lot of cigarettes and drinks and time alone to figure things out.