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What if Neil died?

Ahh I love your books so much, they've basically taken over my life, lol. Anyway, I was wondering, how would have Andrew reacted if Neil actually was killed by his father when he was kidnapped in The King's Men?

Oh hello, I love this question, because the timing would be perfect. It isn't until Neil is kidnapped and returned that Andrew truly understands there's no going back from this thing with Neil, but even before then he can feel that pit in his stomach that means he's too close to a slippery edge. And on the tail-end of Neil saying Don't protect me ((the same day Andrew agreed to let him protect himself!)), on the tail-end of that bus ride where Neil talked for hours about his life and looked at Andrew like Andrew was the answer to everything, Neil vanishing? Neil getting killed before the Hatfords showed up to annihilate Nathan's people?

Do you even know—?!

There's not a lot Andrew believes in, but what little light he has would have gone out that day. Put a lone tealight in a dark room and it doesn't look like much, but once you blow it out that darkness is infinite and unyielding. It is noticeable and extreme. Everyone would have seen that light go out in Andrew, because that's not an emotional sucker punch Andrew was bracing for.

Cue the internal argument:: Andrew promised to protect him; Neil made him retract it. Andrew promised to kill the men who were coming for Neil; Neil knew he was walking away from them for good and didn't even ask for Andrew's help or interference. Neil was taken right out from underneath his nose and Andrew had known something was wrong when Neil came out of the locker room. He'd known. He'd known, but he hadn't been fast enough.

Andrew would never let anyone or anything else in ever again, you know? Because Neil isn't something he can take back or recover from. Neil was a chance Andrew shouldn't have taken, was a mistake Andrew knew better than to make, was wanting something for himself when Andrew knew better than to want anything. Andrew would refuse to feel this ever again, so he would shut everyone out instead. Survival mode.

It would destroy Andrew's relationship with nearly everyone in his life, up to including Bee – he would refuse to talk about Neil's death and he'd dismiss her careful attempts at sympathy, because he'd refuse to accept that this hurts and refusal to acknowledge or heal means that ache becomes poison over time. Bee wouldn't be able to save him from himself.

The only thing that would keep Andrew putting one foot in front of the other would be his promise to Kevin – he still had to protect Kevin. So he'd still go to practices, but he'd alternate between furious bursts of energy on the court get them to finals and absolute hatred for the sport because everything at the Foxhole Court reminded him of Neil, and then escalating hatred toward himself for being so stupid as to get hurt like this. And then just ice in long stretches, because feel nothing, nothing matters, nothing is important.

((I honestly believe the only person who could mean anything to Andrew in the wake of this would be Wymack. It's hard to explain their relationship or exactly why they work the way they do, but Wymack could watch Andrew implode and still be a steadying hand.))

Without Neil alive to pledge allegiance to Ichirou, Jean would go back to the Ravens as soon as he was done healing and Andrew would be stuck watching Kevin's back the rest of their lives. Andrew would still play Exy after graduation, but it wouldn't be the same. He'd be out there because he needed to keep Kevin in his line of sight at all times, not because he was learning to enjoy it for himself.

Joyless, Kevin called Andrew once, and that's what Andrew would be–from Neil's death until his own.