Elia (EDITING)

Chapter 77

"I'm-" I hesitate to say it. I don't know if I am being selfish to put our past on this. I should be here for him, somehow, even if it means sitting in the corner alone watching him talk to his two best friends. But- all I can think of right now is how fucked up we have become, all of us have lost people we love. I am no fool to know the breakup was hard for him too. And that is all I can think of- we are just sad guys who are having an awkward relatable moment by the door. I clear my throat. "I'm gonna go, Leo asked me to handle the store for a couple of-"

"Yeah- I know. He told me."

And it was true. He called, without telling me why- asked me to handle the store for a bit. He even said I would be getting paid for that. But he had told me to start tomorrow. Right now, Nathaniel's sadness has somehow spread to me. His situation has become the only thing the two of us have in common, and that thought, breaks me, it makes me want to grief- Him and Xander were right. I am selfish.

My head is hurting as I just watch him there. My chest feels tight, and at the back of my mind, I can feel that something is eating me up. What it really is, I don't know.

"So-"

"Can you-" he steps out and close his door. "-just not, call me or... text me... just for a couple days. I'm sorry, I know it sounds really- I just need a bit of time. You understand right?"

I honestly don't. "Yeah, sure. I'll call- I'll see- I- goodbye Nathaniel." I smile. He nods sadly. He steps close to me, by his gestures, I can tell he wants to hug me. But the last thing I want is a goodbye hug that'll nail everything down.

He's just grieving right? That is the reason why he doesn't want me to be there right? I look at myself on the mirror. The short hair on my head looks foreign. It has ironically made me look bolder. It has taken what Nathaniel used to call 'cute, beauty'. It has made me look so plain.

But that isn't what is bothering me now. Everything is! I have always known that I must have had some concealed depression. But now- I can feel it on its peak.

He must have needed me more! Hell! I needed him to need me more than ever. I just wanted to feel how he felt again. I sit on the floor and cover my face hopping I would cry, but no tears come out. I've heard crying makes one feel better, so why can't I just shed some tears?

My heart is protesting to leave my chest, my knees feel weak. I am so damn tired! Tired of everything! Of hiding, of being found, of everything, of being Elia Clinton. I am so tired of being Elia Clinton. I stand once more, removing my shirt. The mirror does nothing but to show me the piercings on my nips, I carefully remove them and throw them in the bin, I already got rid of my smiley. I guess the reason is every time I see those, they remind me of the peak of our relationship. They remind me our trip.

I pull back om my shirt, and walk back to my room. I drop on the bed, and close my eyes. At least I can sleep. I took a few sleeping tabs at the store, I can pop one and sleep. But I fall asleep before I could take one.

What I wake up to sounds like my alarm, but as I gain consciousness, I realize it's a phone call. I drag on picking it up, looking at the opposite side of it.

But it rings again, and I groan searching for it. Who would call me anyways? Maybe Andy- obviously Andy, he must have snuck out and wants me to open the door for me.

But the identity that pops on, makes my heart beat fast, it brings back all I have been thinking of all day. I sit up straight, and answer the call.

"Nathaniel?"

"C-can you ple-please co-come over.... Please?" I don't know why I pause that moment, it can be because I am surprised that after all he said to me, he now needs me to be with him, or maybe because the sobs that are cutting his words are also cutting every word he says.

"Yeah, sure... I'm on my way."

"Ju-just hurry." He sniffs. "Please."

I don't hesitate to jump from my window, all I keep reminding myself is I am doing it all for Nathaniel. So, the impact that hurts my side didn't click in until I sit in the car, remember? I am doing it all for Nathaniel.

When I get there, I run straight their apartment. The door, luckily wasn't locked. I make my way to his room, but it was empty. I just then know where he could be- his dad's room.

And I wasn't wrong. He is sleeping on the bed, though he is fully asleep, I can still see the exhaustion in his face, the puffy eyes and pale face. But from some reason, a smile pops on my lips.

The scenery of the room however takes away the smile. There are pills by the dresser, empty pill bottles on the floor, a drip stand next to the bed where Nathaniel is asleep, unused injection on the floor, and lastly, a tray on the ground with a broken glass and what I assume was a sandwich and a half open pill box.

My mind couldn't help but paint its own picture.

"How long have been here?" I laugh, this scene getting familiar. I jump the tray and stuff and sit next to his curled body.

"How are you holding up?"

"Is it going to be okay?"

I shake my head no. "It'll take time- where is Leo?"

One thing I've learnt among many is to drop the subject about what 'happened'. It'll be better if we talk about something, and let him start talking on himself.

"He's obsessing on the funeral settings, I guess it's destructing him." he looks at me sitting straight. "He's torn, really hurt- just like I am."

I nod looking away.

I feel his hand running through my head just as the goosebumps cover my whole body. "Why did you cut it- I loved it." I move away making sure not to be rude, I pretend to bend over t scratch my leg.

"I don't know. I hate it too. it makes me look ugly."

He genuinely laughs, nodding.

"That's not true." He says. I nod regardless of what I think.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier, I was a bit fucked up." I don't reply, just look at him. I nod after a while then look back at the door.

"You should sleep." I tell him. "You'll need the energy."

"I can't, I mean I can but- I can't." He complains. "Unless, maybe if you stay over... just for tonight." He states. "I know it's weird but- yeah."

I stand up then smile down at him. "Then I'll sleep in your room."

***

And I could tell none of us slept that night. I could hear him walk back and forth. And me at the mean time, I was just struggling to bundle my thoughts. Is it a good sign he needs me? Or maybe he knows I am the only one in for spending the night with him. Either what it is, makes me less at ease. What will happen when he starts healing? Forget me completely? Realize he needs me? I don't know.