𝙀𝙣𝙝𝙮𝙥𝙚𝙣 𝙄𝙢𝙖𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨 ☘

« heeseung »

pov: a watchmaid falls in love with her patient with a life-threatening illness

February 26, 1898

To my Heeseung, my dearest,

You were a difficult one, really. Your world had ended a very long time ago. Your flair, your dreams, your hopes had stopped right there. Right there. Through the very walls of your chamber. the world had made certain you would enjoy your daily pleasures, daily meals, your daily stroll at your family's apple orchard — all of them— before you could even wake up in another daylight only to find you could no longer get up.

there was something living inside you. everyone was sure of that. Living, threatening your every breath, hindering you from getting out of your bed in every chance it gets. It was there, only there. Growing as much as you did. Growing just as much as you were starting to learn to live, a ten-and-eight young man starting to learn to live.

they said it was cancer. You could not come to accept that it was. Even that word sounded new to your ears. Our ears. so you knew since then it only meant nothing but your days being numbered.

I knew you even before your crippling illness. You're a man with curls as fiery as your temper. You were shy, but curious. Full of life in your own little ways.

It was my first day taking care of a man my age. I watched as you slept. Mrs. Lee told me you were sleeping for almost a week. I knew you could still hear us, feel us for so long as you were still there. I could still recall picking up leaves from the myrtle tree outside your window, holding the leaf above your nose, doing it day after day so you could smell them. You needed to smell them. You needed to remember you were still alive, and that you needed to wake up. That the myrtle tree awaits.

And so you met me the moment you woke up, perhaps already deciding to make use of a maid as someone without a slight of hope would. I could still recall the countless times you would tell me to leave you and go back to my home, my rathole. Back where I belong. That I would never be able to go to school again. That I would never be able to live in Seoul, that I should just give up and make do as a maid working in dirty kitchens. I could still remember you calling me a whore and a simpering bitch just because. I wanted you to take that back, I wanted to torment you, too. But seeing you spewing blood, shivering, gradually losing your mind, desperately begging me to spare you with the pain and kill you in your sleep, I realized there's no reason to hurt you further. So, you were a difficult one.

But you were the purest one.

You were the purest one, Heeseung.

It was foolish of me to smile from ear to ear everytime you notice my fishtail braids, or how you wanted to keep the lamp on when you know full well I couldn't sleep in the dark. It was foolish of me to wake up in full delight finding that you have placed your blanket around my shoulders, all as if I was not feeling very well, too. All as if you didn't want to be kind enough in fear that I would notice, but Hee, I was cherishing every bit of it. You would shiver, you would bleed, you would sometimes cry. And I would find your fingers interlocking mine. Holding onto them as if every fragment of your life comes from mine own palm.

I'm staying in a college dorm at Seoul. You were right. This city is loud and restless and full of smug-looking people. I met some girls who think I'm dirty and stupid because I live in a farm. But I also met some friends (they love to eat ramyeon, too).

Spring break is drawing close. Could you believe it? Two more years and I'll be finishing school. Some colleges here are planning to keep me right after I accomplish my degree. I'd be torn. They were already calling me a teacher! Two more years, Hee. Two more years.

I miss you, alright? There, I said it. I miss you and I always find myself reading the same letters you've sent me a month ago over and over again. Mrs. Lee wrote to me, saying you were sleeping for almost a week again. Said you're losing more strands of hair in the past few weeks. Said she's afraid there's more bruises growing on your skin. She told me you were melting down, desperate to write even just a four-letter word because your limbs were starting to weaken. I'll assume it's what we always call each other since then.

I am sorry. Really, I am. I never wanted to leave you there. I was just starting to realize maybe I was meant to be by your side. Maybe home is by your side. I can never forgive myself if I wouldn't be there when... Heeseung, I couldn't even say it.

But I don't want to fail you, too. This is what you wanted. You have given me a chance. You want me to live. So I will live for you. Please do that for me, too.

I am certain to go home on spring break. By then, I would settle the matters with Mrs. Lee and we will ask for her blessing so we can get married right after I graduate. I will get back to you, I promise. Please wake up, Hee. Give me a chance to hold you close.

I love you. I love you. Please wait for me.

Darling,

y/n