Club - a Breddy Fanfic.

44)

They putter around in the small kitchen to put some breakfast together. Brett opens cupboards at random looking for utensils and plates, until he stumbles onto: "Coffee! Oh nice! God, I need that."

"Of course. I can't function without coffee in the morning. I need it to feel human. You?"

"Hell no. I'll make some for us both." Brett hums.

Back on the couch Eddy sighs contentedly as they are eating and watching an episode of Naruto.
Brett takes a sip of his coffee and raises his eyebrows questioningly at him.
"This is what I wanted last time when you stayed over." Eddy explains, thinking back to the Sunday that Brett ran out on him. Today they are sitting together like he had imagined last time. "I'm so happy right now."

Although Brett snickers, he feels a small pang of regret as he thinks back to that first morning at Eddy's. What would have happened if he hadn't run then? He knows he wasn't ready then. But is he ready now? He looks sideways at this gorgeous man that says that he wants to be with him, even after everything that happened. Is this really okay? His heart rate rises and not in a comfortable way. He can feel the uneasiness creeping into his cells, his head slowly spiralling. Can he really be in a relationship again? It takes him some effort to calm down, quickly repeating the phrases he's said to himself dozens of times today already. Yes, I can do it. I can love again. All because of this man. All for this man. It's okay. He's here now, right, sitting beside Eddy, drinking his coffee, getting another chance. But he keeps this thoughts to himself and says teasingly "Romantic much?" The remark earns him a smile and a punch from Eddy.

Eddy pulls Brett against himself after finishing their plates,, wraps his arms around him and leans his head on his. "You know, I've been thinking..."

"That must have been painful." Brett quips immediately.

Eddy punches him softly again. "No, don't joke about this. I have been thinking about us."

Brett freezes for a second. Wait, does Eddy have second thoughts? "Oh. Is that a good thing or not?"

Eddy ignores the question and continues. "I've been thinking about how we might be able to keep the nightmares away."

Brett tenses up for real now. "Oh?"

Eddy hugs him tighter and starts to softly stroke his arm, trying to get him relax a little.
"Is it okay for me to ask you some questions about that time? So that I can understand where you are coming from and that we can make up a plan to deal with the scars that are left?"

To be honest Brett doesn't want to plan anything and would prefer to get up and run. But being held in Eddy's embrace makes staying more bearable. Eddy is right of course, this is something they have to go through. He scrapes his throat. "Sure. But... well... you know..." he sighs deeply. "I don't want to think about that time, but I know I have to answer them truthfully. So shoot."

"I will just ask then. I need to know. Sorry." Eddy really doesn't want to make Brett remember, but he needs to know certain things before they can move on. He has so many assumptions that might be or not be right, so now he has to get the whole picture clear. "Okay. You told me she controlled everything?" Eddy starts.

"Yes." Brett's voice sounds off.

Eddy can see that he's trying to keep his breathing under control. It's clearly hard to talk about it, so he keeps making circles and heart shape figures on Brett's skin with his fingers, trying to comfort him.
"But at this point you only have real trouble making love?"

"Yes and no. Sometimes it's also during a conversation. But most of the time it has something to do with physical stuff. My thoughts are thrown back to that time, but not always." Brett scrunches his eyebrows together while thinking hard. "No, it's different." He hesitates for a moment and then continues. "You see, I really loved her at first. At the start of us dating I was totally blinded by it. Others around me tried to warn me, but I didn't listen. I didn't want to. I was so head over heels with her. But she was just looking for someone to control, to be her slave. Or something. I let it happen. I didn't see."
He wants Eddy to understand that he's also to be blamed for the situation he was in. "That's what's so frightening about it. It's hard to trust myself."

"No, no, no. Don't say that You let her. She took advantage of you. Don't forget who is at fault here. It's so messed up. What a psychopath." Eddy can't imagine that anyone would do that to Brett. To any other living being actually.

"No, not that. I think that she's more a narcissist. You don't know how charming she was in the start. She totally wrapped me around her finger. Making me forget who I was, what I wanted, just wanting to make her happy." Thinking about how he let it happen, still hurts him. He should have seen how it got worse and worse with time. But he was so blind, thought he could change her if he loved her enough. It still feels like it was his own fault, even though the therapy had taken the sharp edge off.
"After getting out of her grasp, I had to get myself together again. After a lot of therapy I got a bit better. I got a lot less skittish for touches in normal life and during sex I managed to act on just my physical urgers. Not as an expression of emotions, but just as something that my body wanted. You see?" He looks at Eddy to see if he understands. "But with you it's totally different. I care too much. I want you too much." His voice quivers a bit saying the last sentence.

Eddy hears the tears lurking in Brett's voice and feels his eyes getting moist too. Brett opening up to him like this makes him feel so grateful. He can tell that being this vulnerable is not something Brett is used to do. Eddy tries to give him the strength to continue by holding and stroking him, putting a kiss once in a while on his head. All to make it a bit more bearable for him.

When Brett is quiet for a moment, Eddy clears his throat to be able to speak in a calm voice, full of warmth.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, please, but is it because that you really like me, your mind cannot block all the flashbacks anymore and wants to have a say in all this? And that it compares situations happening now with previous bad ones, looking for possible signs that the past will repeat itself and then panics when it sees any kind of resemblance?"

Brett looks up. "Yeah. I think so?"