SAFE (mxm)

Chapter 36. Not That Tough (Ryo)

   (Present time)

   I am tossing and turning until the sheets are so twisted around my legs that I can barely move. My hair is dripping sweat, wetting the pillows. The enormous bed is big enough to accommodate five people at least, but too narrow for me. I can't seem to find a comfortable place to settle. 

   My leaking cock hurts. My balls are probably swollen and blue. I reach for my crotch, but frown and withdraw my hand. This is torture. I can't bare it any longer. It's a mess in my head. I feel like crying, screaming and laughing, all at the same time. The aristocratic family De Angelis ancestors are watching me mockingly from the life-sized portraits on the walls in the darkness, torn only by the soft moonlight, illuminating the room through the wide-open balcony doors.

   This has been going on throughout the whole past week. It is the same dream every night. My palms slide over the warm skin up to his shoulder blades. I grip his biceps and pull him closer. My chest glues to his smooth back. I go impossibly deep. The hot flesh is throbbing around me, squeezing me tightly. He moans and it is the sweetest sound I've heard. His voice is desperate, fondling my ears like the August breeze salty caress. I am ready to die, but also to start living for real at last, to fly away from my messed up existence and finally be me, be free, give myself to someone who can make me happy.

   It always ends up abruptly, unexpectedly, in the most terrifying way. He is here and then just gone. I am alone in an endless ocean of cold, black water, wondering how this has happened. Why isn't he here anymore? Where did he disappear? I am scared to death that I will never see him again. The fear sucks the air out of my lungs. It seems impossible to breathe with that thought in my mind. A helpless gasp escapes my parted lips and my eyes shoot open. I gaze in the twilight only to find myself entangled in the sheets with a painful erection every single night since I met him.

    The petrifying trepidation is a familiar feeling. I lived with it for years, through my whole childhood, then as a teenager and later, during my studies at the university. I couldn't stop worrying about what might have happened to that boy who kept me above the water for hours and pushed me up to safety on a floating lifebelt. I thought I could never feel anything else for a long time. It was a decease that I had no cure for. It was suffocating me, crushing my spirits, leaving me dry and bitter. 

   I was at the end of my strength when I made that decision and it brought the light back in me. It pulled me out of the darkness and helped me see my goals, focus on my profession and build up my life. The decision was simple. I swore to find the boy. It was like a miraculous pill, a medicine which soothed my anxiety. I keep taking it over and over again to this day, searching for my mysterious savior. It calms me. Luca finds it difficult to understand why I can never stop looking for him. It is hard to explain that it is actually my life-support system. I repeat to myself every day the only thing I managed to comprehend from his constant attempts to engage me in a conversation, his name. David. I wish I remembered the rest, now that I know his language. 

   The same shock and utter despair unexpectedly popped up again from the depths of my mind, this time because of Angel. Having him only in my dreams, but not here, next to me, is suffocating me. I am worried about him. I crave him. It is crazy. I can't give up on David for Angel, but I can't do the opposite as well. What shall I do?

   I reach for the bottle of water on the night stand and take a sip. It is too warm. I wrinkle my nose and somehow untangle the sheets, jumping out of bed. The palazzo is peaceful and quiet. The slapping of my bare feet on the ceramic, mosaic tiles echoes though the vast rooms on my way to the kitchen. I open the fridge and almost dip my head in the freezer, scooping up a handful of ice cubes. I throw them in a huge jug and fill it with water, eagerly swallowing half of it at once.