versions 1.3-1.6 (Diary 1) [ARCHIVED]

17/11/2021

do you ever feel like there's no point? do you ever feel that if you were to do, everybody would move on? do you ever feel like your life holds the same value of the insects we crush beneath our feet? do you ever think that you are broken and cannot be fixed? do you ever think you can't feel anything apart from mental anguish? do you ever feel like you're emotions are dying, while they cling desperately to life? do you ever feel like the only problem with slicing your wrist would be the feeling of losing your sense of self as you fade into the empty void? do you ever think you should just give up?

do you ever think that you're truly destined to be alone till your inevitable demise? do you ever truly think that the only person who could truly accept you, the only person who could love you, harbors no feelings for you? do you ever think that the sole human being who you find tolerable, doesn't love you?

writting that last paragraph made me cry lol. i've essentially lost all my feeling of pain in a physical sense, i feel little emotions, my world is covered in a constant dullness, but when i'm with her i feel normal, a feeling which noone else has ever made me feel before. she is the one person i have ever truly felt affection for, the only person i have ever truly liked, sure there have been people who i find tolerable, but nothing like this. these emotions surpass everything i've ever felt previously, these emotions are a constant pain to me, the person who thought he was incapable of true emotions (god i never stfu about myself), these emotions are my prison.

i've been trying my hardest to seperate myself from her, and it's worked slight, but they remain in the back of my mind. if this is what true emotions are i don't want these, if this is love i don't want to love ever again, i don't want to love now, or ever again.