versions 1.3-1.6 (Diary 1) [ARCHIVED]

i did say don't read the latest entry

come on, u won't read it until i say don't read it *face palms* omg just... god damn. at least i now got the ambiguous wording problem solved, so hopefully i'm able to move on, finally i can be do with these fucking brain dead, toxic, useless, and simply unimportant, i'm done with making attachments with new people, yes i'll be alone forever but this shit is finally over (i hope), now i don't have to worry about being covered in scars, now i can be as well... me, as i want. if i want to be a loner that's now my choice, if i have suicidal thoughts anymore i don't have to think of living for someone else (not that i'd do it i'm to much of a pussy), i can now openly admit whatever the fuck i want so... imma do that
i self harm, i masturbate regularly even though i'm asexual, i don't know my gender cause i have a penis but haha i'm not a male mentally nor am i a female trapped in a mans body i have the body of a male and i just have to deal with it and i'd rather be chemically castrated then be, i love t, i'm a freak and honestly it makes me super depressed thinking about how i'm never going to be normal, i am immature as fuck, i'm so pathetic i've only had two crushes both who haven't felt the same way, i haven't had my first kiss and the only person i've ever wanted to kiss was t, i want to live with t cause she's the only person i've ever felt comfortable around, i have contemplated suicide at least once a month for about half a year now and i hate the thoughts but they just won't stop, i feel betrayed by t she was the only person i've ever fully trusted and she doesn't feel the same fucking way.

i think i'm done for today, i just need to rest atm, i'm getting emotional and i can't handle it atm i just want to scream and claw at myself so to prevent that i need to distract myself with something to make me stop thinking about this

(edit: suicidal thoughts aren't related to t, just get really tired of being me and being alone in general, t is the greatest person and the only thing keeping me sane atm)

(edit 2: i just need to grow the fuck up)

(edit 3: i shouldn't judge t for simply not feeling the same as me, i just don't know how to deal with these emotions but whatever these emotions are irrelevant )