versions 1.3-1.6 (Diary 1) [ARCHIVED]

fuck this shit

wtf do i fucking do? FUCK! like for real i try my hardest to be nice, i don't get mad, i don't judge, i don't hurt people, i've not even had my first kiss, i'm caring, i try my very fucking best and it's not good enough, it's never fucking good enough. like i'm sick of this shit, i take meds half of which are anti psychotic but that doesn't help. like as it stands at the moment i'm done with t and friends/people in general, granted i love t but it's not fucking worth it for someone who doesn't feel the fucking same, so why the fuck do these god damn stupid fucking worthless emotions persist, it's as if i have a fucking curse, like god fucking damn.

i'm losing my temper alot recently, for telling her how i simply feel she gives me the cold shoulder, grow up, emotions aren't the end of the world. what u think that because u have a boyfriend u won't have feelings for someone else? that's not how emotions fucking work, and if u think that u won't have them simply because u have a boyfriend your view on emotions are just the tiniest bit juvenile. like i know she probably doesn't feel the same way as me but god damn emotions don't work like that, boyfriend or not you'll have feelings for different people, it's not a fucking bad thing,u can at least be honest when someone builds up the nerve to confess to u. whatever fuck this shit it's not like she would even talk to me about that shit, cause even though i trust her with my life she doesn't trust me for shit, i legit allowed her to read my direct feelings for her.

at this point i want a break from her irl, like i'm fine with messaging her (not that she'll talk to me at all), but irl i need a break.

also... if you're reading this, and i'm pretty sure u are, this isn't for u anymore, leave. i don't think we're close enough to allow u to read this anymore, imma give u a few days before i block your account on wattpad. ( i say this cause i "allowed" now i'm not, that simple)

 you've hurt me so much i can't express it, and now you're ghosting me, bro you can't run from everything in life. i haven't gotten mad at u in so long, but u still don't feel comfortable enough to talk to me so you fucking ghost me, that's just a dick move, anyway stay away from my wattpad... i say but imma just block u in a few days anyway.

i don't harbor any ill will for her not feeling the same but god damn show me some human decently for the love of god, don't just up and abandon me, don't just, act like a grown up for the love of god, tell me to stop in person, tell your opinion, "hey L, you really need to stop confessing, i'm starting to really struggle with it and if you do it one or two more times imma have to stop being your friend permanently" that simple, or you could act like a child and say i don't want to be your friend over text (granted i confessed over text so i'm no better) and completely fucking ghost me instead of facing the reality be a child.

bro for the time i'm done with you, i won't be bothering you again for awhile. this entire situation is juvenile from all fucking sides and i know u want to separate from me so it's done. i don't want to be alone but i'm tired of being toxic and feeling miserable so... https://open.spotify.com/track/7dIaociywrbIpIRTI0e48P?si=0e830e46899a43d8       i'm a kid at heart what can i say everythings better in song, "fuck this shit i'm out"

(made some edits to make it more precise to what i'm thinking, still not accurate, i'll just write another post being completely honest, i'm calmer now so i can word it better i think, although some stuff i'm not going to go over again such as my "that's not how emotions work" rant)