versions 1.3-1.6 (Diary 1) [ARCHIVED]

11/11/2021

i genuinely want to die when i realize she doesn't love me back, i know it's stupid being attached to someone so much, but i'm like a parasite, i can't live without a host, and her not having the same emotions is like some miracle medicine to remove my breed parasites causing me great emotional anguish. i know she doesn't feel the same, i know she'll never feel the same, so why can't these emotions just die already. i honestly just want them to stop, why can't they stop? just plz stop already, i'm in genuine pain and i just want it all to stop

11/11/2021

hello again my diary that i randomly published cause, yh, anyways it's currently 8:04 and i've arrived at school, now comes the wait for T to arrive, it's a daily retinue so it's not that big of a hassle, i'll just listen to some music, watching a movie in class first two periods so that'll be fun, it also happen to be one of my classes with T so that's always fun, also talking about T how can one be so empathetic? like she's cries at sad moments in movies, like i have never cried at a movie, sure i've teared up, but never actually cried, i kind of envy it, the ability to so easily connect with others is just so amazing, but tbh i also don't seeing T sad hurts, like she's always so kind, i genuinely get sad when i see her in any type of distress, god i sound like such a simp, eh whatever it doesn't matter. i wonder what i'll have to do in english today, probably more analyzing a piece of literiture, it's so fucking boring man, and guess what our sac will be on, we are supposed to write a piece, based off god knows what (kinda haven't paid attention in class to much, English is so fucking boring), and to top it all off it has to be written in her style, like when would we ever need to write in someone else's style irl, it's pointless, i'd have no trouble paying attention in class if i actually knew why we needed to learn this shit, eh whatever it doesn't really matter, i'll pass, and if i pass that's a win i guess. i just get frustrated when i'm supposed to be learning something but i have no clue why we're learning it so it's just like what's the point. ah gtg T is here i think

i hate school so much, the people, the teachers, the classes, everything, and it determines our entire life like wtf kind of system is that, letting children decide what they'll be doing for there entire lives, but whatever i'll just suffer through it, i always have, and will till the end.

now u may been think "*bonk* go to horny jail", but u would be super wrong, i actually don't wanna have intercourse, expecially not with T, i mean i'm still a virgin so 1. i'd have no clue what to even do in that situation, 2. i'd most likely freeze up, and 3. the most importent... i simply don't wanna, i wanna hold her hand, i want to hug her, i wanna be there for her, i want her to be the first person i see in the morning, these reasons are the reasons i believe that i'm in love, but i know my feelings aren't returned. now i say now that i don't want intercourse, but that isn't to say i'd decline i would if she wanted, but personally i am willing to go years without it. also also, i simply wouldn't ever have intercourse with her if she just offered (WHICH SHE NEVER WOULD), she's got a boyfriend, who although im not the biggest fan of, is clearly good for her and whatever makes her happy is what's best. it sucks so hard though even though i know we'll never be together it still cuts deeply that she doesn't feel the same, i wish i had someone i could talk to about this without feeling guilty, there's two people i feel comfortable talking about feelings such as these with, T and K (maybe even K2, but that's kinda a stretch).

it's times like these, when i can't stop thinking about T that one of my favorite quotes repeats "i can live neither with you, nor without you" because my feelings are so strong for her i think about her constantly, this obsession isn't healthy, i need to move on so i think i should just end our relationship, but i can't do that, she's my best friend

honestly at this point i know she has no interest, but i still like her, i desperately want it to stop, it's basically my personal hell

at this point i've all but given up, the one i love doesn't love me, i have no social life, i have only a few friends irl and none virtually, humans are social creatures what's the point of living if u can't fulfill the most basic concept to our species