versions 1.3-1.6 (Diary 1) [ARCHIVED]

i really don't know what to do

i'm at the end of my rope, i've nearly given up, for the past 3.5 weeks i've barely talked to anyone outside of my family (and some professionals) let alone t. i have no friends and no social life period anymore, i just feel so desperately alone and i wish, i just wish i could at least message t, i know i can't expect her to forgive me but i've got no one now and it sucks major ass. idk being alone for this long is starting to fuck me up mentally i think, nothing is as fun as it used to be because i can't share anything with anyone.

idk, i just think the world wouldn't change in the slightest if i wasn't here, like i have no friends now, all i've got is my family and yh that's great and all but i just feel so, so, so alone. not saying imma kill myself just saying i feel like my life has no inherent value to it.

i say i'm not gonna kill myself but if i was to attempt it i know how i would, trigger warning if you don't wanna hear this shit

ok first stanly knife cause straya and they're super sharp razors, then slit my wrist because it seems the most bearable (horizontally not vertically because i've seen how the skin parts if you cut vertically and it makes me feel sick looking at it so as to not feel sick when doing the act), of course i'd bring the knife into my room and lock my door so i can bleed out, but the wrist i'd slit would be my left wrist (non dominant) as a cut to the non dominant hand is less likely to be fatal cause 1. i'm a pussy 2. who doesn't love a gamble on a life and death situation.

 that said i'd never do it, just been thinking about it a fair bit recently, life is hard lol.

writting this shit down did help ty, i just feel really alone and i don't have any real friends atm (or normally, i just have t tbh), idk i've been told i'll move on but while true that i'll eventually right now i feel like complete and utter shit, also me moving on is a scary fucking thing, if my friendship with my best friend can end just like that what's to say it won't happen again in the future yknow. anyways

oh yh, who the feck is reading this? like there's one person reading a chp other than me, like it can be one of three things 1. some rando is reading a chp and quiting 2. somebody is returning to read each chp 3. it's t (very unlikely but you never can know)