versions 1.3-1.6 (Diary 1) [ARCHIVED]

i'm fooling myself

this isn't an incident where my emotions are completely out of control, my hold on them has just... slipped.

look i'm not having another episode, it's just... it's just that i know i'm not truly in control, i know that i'm not fine with me and t's current relationship, i want to be closer too her, but what happens if i persue her, it'd be all risk with no reward.

i try and be happy about it, i try to accept it, but it still fucking hurts. instead of being in constant pain i still try my best to shove it under the metaphorical rug and keep smiling. i'll keep thinking i'm happy so i can feel happy, even if it's a fake happiness it's still happiness. eh whatever if we are meant to be we'll be, if not idk i'll continue to live.

edit: making an edit here, that verged close to having another episode, steered pretty close but no contact, i'm all g now :)