versions 1.3-1.6 (Diary 1) [ARCHIVED]

few was starting to lose my cool

i'm getting ghosted, i'm getting ignored, she won't even be in the same room as me. bro wtf did i do that was so horrible, it's not like i even asked her out, it's not like i sent her inappropriate pictures, it's not like i even laid a hand on her, all i did was state my fucking feelings. bro i swear to fucking god, yh just ignore me that's completely fair, cause unlike you i don't have friends to choose from, without u i have no fucking friends. it'd be fine if we didn't know each other and you just ended things, but you were my entire social life and now you just leave and ignore me, yh, thx for that. like bro i'm barely holding it together and you just completely ignore me.

 i'm not the one who said that you and your bf "won't last" that was b, i'm not the one who completely walks over you that's c, i'm the one who tried his hardest to help you out, time and time again i put myself out there to help you, again, again, again, and a-fucking-gain. idk what else i could've done, i tried my hardest to restrain myself from being a bother, i just gave so, so, soooooooo much, and for things to just up and end like this. i've never had anyone like you, i've never felt this way before, i never cared for someone this much before, i never valued anyone as highly as i value you. like i knew it was pointless from the beginning but just the way things have played out hurt so fucking much.

idk i guess this is what happens when your ego blinds you, like for the love of god i can't believe i thought you liked me when you just up and gave up on our friendship that much, it feels as though i valued our friendship way too much for what it was, like i had never asked anyone to go somewhere with me, never had that friend, just... this was a huge mistake on my part, like i know she doesn't even care, i just feel like if this relationship didn't work out will any ever work out?

 can't believe i thought she liked me, like i know i'm an egotistical prick but i thought i could at least read her, but i couldn't even read the person i'm closest to because of my own fucking ego, i like to think i have a moderate read on people nowadays, but i still seem like a socially inept spaztard lol.

i genuinely need to find a way to stop thinking of offing myself, like i won't actually do we teenagers are all talk we won't do shit (most of the time), but anyways i guess it is what it is.

i give up for today, idk what to do, i think our relationship is well and dead, but i can't bring myself to just leave it to die, whatever not like she'll even talk to me, not even via text, it sucks balls T T, oh well i'll try again in like a week.