Of Love and Valor

36: Grieving

"Thank the Heavens," Thariyae whispers as we are dismissed for the day, then immediately starts walking as fast as she can towards our shared residence. Krethzirae and I exchange glances and then follow after her, doing our best to try to catch up.

"Thariyae, wait! We still need to decide on supper," Krethzirae calls.

"Get whatever you want. I'm not hungry."

Is she...crying?

"Go talk to her," Krethzirae tells me in a low voice. "She trusts you more than she trusts me, and something's clearly wrong. I'll handle supper."

"Are you sure?" I ask. Truth be told, this is the last thing I want to do; I have a sneaking suspicion I know exactly why Thariyae is upset, and I'm probably not exactly the best person to try to comfort her.

"We can't just let her languish with whatever is bothering her. If we do, who knows how long our house will be a miserable place to be?"

"Valid point."

"Go. I'll be fine."

"You're not the one I'm worried about," I mutter, but Krethzirae's already on her way to the market and hasn't heard me. Grumbling under my breath, I resume following Thariyae as fast as my legs will carry me without actually running. Orenzhanim in uniform are not supposed to run in the streets, lest we inadvertently cause panic amongst the citizens.

Thariyae is faster than I am over long distances, and so I don't catch up with her until we're both in our barracks. When I come through our front door, I can hear her sobbing in her bedroom. With a great deal of trepidation, I take a deep breath and slowly approach her doorway.

"Thariyae? Do you...want to talk about it?" I ask, fully expecting her to scream at me to get out and leave her alone.

"Did you know he was seeing her?" she demands, picking herself up off the bed to glare at me accusingly with tearstained eyes.

"Not exactly, no. I knew he'd had a few conversations with some eligible sohlnira and that they have been getting along well, but today was the first time I've seen them together."

"What do you know about her?"

"Next to nothing. They seem to like each other, and she's very pretty."

Thariyae lets out an exasperated wail. "She's my cousin."

My jaw drops in surprise. I have no words, no idea how to handle the situation.

After shedding a few more tears, Thariyae continues. "She's the daughter of my father's sister, so he wouldn't have known from her family name. Does he have any idea, do you think?"

"I would doubt it, but I don't know for sure. Alderon doesn't speak much to me of personal matters."

"You spent plenty of time with him during our sojourn in Kedar-Jashun."

"The bulk of that time was spent in negotiations with the zaikaritim, and the most personal that got was when I asked him to take a walk with me so I could suggest using the threat of leaving Ansohnya Umathyar with her former tribe as a bargaining chip. I know next to nothing about his relationship with Anzhelinskren Sazhmira."

"Are they officially together?"

"I don't know for sure, but based on the banter they exchanged with Cezarya this afternoon, I doubt it."

"Cezarya approves of her, then."

"...Yes. At least, for now. Do you think Sazhmira's parents will object to him the way yours would?"

Thariyae's eyes fill with tears once again and she shakes her head vehemently. "No," she chokes out. "They're not quite as high-ranking as my parents, and...they have a great deal of respect and admiration for warriors."

"Oh."

"They'll see his metal hand as a badge of honor, not something to be ashamed of, and...and.... When I told him to try to find someone else, I never imagined he'd take an interest in my cousin! They'll be happy together, and get married, and I'll have to see them and their children at clan gatherings for the rest of my life!"

"I don't think they're anywhere near serious enough at this point to be—"

"Oh, but they will be! She's the beauty of the family, plus poised and kind and well-educated. He'll never find any fault in her, and how could she find any fault in him?"

"Maybe one of them has some dark secret you don't know about that will undo the whole thing, or maybe other members of your clan will exert undue influence over her parents—"

"You think my parents could sabotage them?"

"Um. Well. I don't know. I know very little about your clan, and honestly I'm just trying to—"

"It'll have to come from my father. They don't particularly like or trust my mother. No one does. But I suppose it's possible. I guess I'll just have to mention it at the next family supper and see what comes of it."

"Are you sure that's—"

"Of course I'm sure! How else would my parents learn what kind of match Sazhmira might be making? Thank you for the idea, by the way."

"This really wasn't my idea at all—"

"Don't be so modest."

"Under no circumstances will you credit me with this. Alderon has been through enough, more than enough. I never intended to contribute to causing him any further pain."

Thariyae looks ashamed and a little guilty for a moment before her face hardens. "All of this has hurt me quite a bit, too," she says quietly, but her voice is made of stone. "I can't take any more, and I certainly cannot endure being forced to see him happy with someone else for the rest of my life."

"Thariyae.... I know you're hurting. And I know you don't want to hear this. But as awful as this must be for you, I don't think you get to decide who he can and can't be with after deciding, against both of your personal inclinations, that you can't be together."

I expect her to scream at me, curse at me, demand that I leave the room. I expect weeping and wailing.

Instead, she just sobs quietly, looking utterly broken.

"I hate that you're right," she sniffles after what feels like an eternity of her grieving. "But why, why did he have to choose her?"