Of Love and Valor

17: Questioning

"Oh, wow! This is huge!" Mailadui gushes as Zevaklin, Jorabij, and I deliver the wild boar to her workstation in the caravan's temporary camp.

"I knew you'd be excited," Zevaklin grins, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. Jorabij takes this as an opportunity to slip away, while I just pretend not to see the kiss. I'm not sure how to handle it. I've never seen any couple be so openly affectionate in public.

"Completely! Azerai, you and Cezarya did a good job, bringing this down. I certainly couldn't do it."

"Thank you. If you want to learn to hunt, you're welcome to come with us next time," I offer awkwardly.

"I don't know if I have the stomach for it. But I'm willing to try. Would you like to help me prepare it?"

"Sure. I would love a chance to learn even a fraction of your cooking skill."

Mailadui beams and sets me to finely chopping some herbs while she and Zevaklin begin to butcher the boar. If she has the stomach for that, hunting should be no problem. Less blood, I observe silently.

"This is not where I expected to find you," Zelphinon remarks as he approaches the culinary work station. Zevaklin and Mailadui pay him no mind.

"Where did you expect to find me?" I ask bemusedly.

"I don't know. I didn't think you had any particular enjoyment of domestic studies."

"I've developed more of an appreciation for the importance of cooking since I became responsible for feeding myself."

Zelphinon smiles slightly. "I can understand that."

"Do you want to join the lesson?" Mailadui asks him, winking swiftly at me.

"Not this time, thank you. But I appreciate the offer," he tells her before returning his attention to me. "I just...wanted to talk for a minute. We won't get much opportunity for that, this trip. Alderon and Santhrobar want to keep at least one of us on watch at all times."

I don't have words, but I think my face expresses my disappointment well enough. I had hoped we might get a chance to stargaze together, or talk for more than a few stolen moments at a time, or maybe even hold hands or share a quick kiss while everyone else was sleeping.

"I guess that's what we get for being good at our jobs," I say after a few moments, forcing a smile. "Shame on us."

"I knew you'd be able to joke about it. And it makes sense strategically. I just...had hoped it might be different."

"Me, too."

He smiles for a fleeting instant, a full, genuine smile that fills my stomach with butterflies and makes me feel wobbly. The rest of the world fades away in that moment, and then his face resumes its usual impassivity.

"I...am glad you feel the same way."

"It has been...different, since we left the Academy. I miss stargazing together."

"Well, we should be able to see the stars clearly tonight. And...I don't know that anything will happen, but...we should have a signal, in case either of us runs into...trouble."

"Like what?" He and I both know that when things get serious, I go deadly silent. Actually vocalizing anything in a crisis is going to be difficult.

"Maybe blades. Crash them together and then scrape the edges as you draw them apart."

"I can handle that."

"Those herbs ready, Azerai?" Mailadui interrupts.

"Yes, sorry. What else can I do?" I ask, feeling guilty that my hands have been still for more than a moment. Zelphinon graciously withdraws. Perhaps we will get to eat together, at least.

"We're going to pack the centers of these cuts with herbs and daikon and squash, and then roast them on these skewers, here." I join her by the cook-fire and mimic her movements. She leans closer to me, conspiratorially, and I realize her husband has also taken his leave. "I never realized Zelphinon was so handsome until I saw him smile at you."

I blush hotly. My attempts at words die before they pass my lips. Mailadui laughs.

"It's okay. You don't have to talk about him if you don't want to. I knew the two of you liked each other quite a bit, but I've never seen him smile at anyone, is all. He's always so serious."

"He...has been through a lot. So have I." Mailadui and I haven't really had occasion to talk before, certainly not about such personal things, and I am nervous. I don't know if I can trust her as a friend, the way I know I can trust her as a member of the squadron.

"Yes. I was concerned that there was nothing more to your relationship than that. It's nice to see that you bring each other joy, as well. That was the key for Zevaklin and I. Our parents very much wanted the match, of course, but I wouldn't have agreed if he didn't bring me joy."

"No one would doubt your joy. The two of you always seem so happy together."

"I am glad it is so obvious. It is Zelphinon's valix you wear in your hair?"

"Yes."

"Do you intend to marry him?"

"I have not met another I would prefer. But marriage seems so...drastic, so abstract and far away. We are only seventeen."

Mailadui laughs. "I suppose that's fair. But not too young for a betrothal, even so."

"I prefer not to think of such things. It is hard to consider, without my family."

Fortunately for me, Mailadui takes this hint and switches to talking about food and cooking, which is much more enjoyable for at least one of us. Still, her questions about Zelphinon linger in my head. I know that Firohn Tanarin has already given his blessing, and that a formal betrothal usually comes with or near a valix. Earlier today Alderon said I was "a step away from sister." And yet, Cezarya is right; we have only known each other a few moons. Perhaps that's why it feels so wrong to think about marriage now.

But the alternative...I cannot imagine life without him anymore. Losing him would be as hard, or harder, than losing my family, losing Keravik.

I know he feels the same way about me; the house fire in Orenxiao made that clear, if the valix and everything else were not enough. In this moment preparing supper with Mailadui, though, it becomes real, equal parts exciting and terrifying. Is it too much, too soon?