Of Love and Valor

9: Misery

"I am sorry. I spoke too soon about your mother. Your feelings are not too extreme," Krethzirae mutters.

"That isn't even the worst part! Later she compared one of her prospects for me to Alderon in looks, except of course she didn't know his name so she called him 'that poor boy with the metal hand' and went on to say that she didn't know why we bothered with prosthetics for gravely injured soldiers, they'll never fight the same and who would want to be with someone who isn't whole, anyway? Why not just put them down, the way they kill a horse if it breaks a leg? I was so angry I couldn't see anything, couldn't speak, just shaking all over. Santhrobar told her in no uncertain terms that she would never again speak of our teammates in such a way in our presence and that she ought to have more respect for the sacrifices others have made defending Yrivvenna. I thanked him later, as we were walking to the North Gate." Tears start flowing from her eyes despite her best efforts. "I knew she was a terrible person, but I don't remember her being so cruel, so cold and unfeeling."

"Will you have to see her again?"

"She said if I don't want her coming to the training grounds or disturbing me on patrol I have to come to their mansion for supper on the new, half, and full moons. Father should be there, so that won't be as bad. He'll have the daily gossip from the Orenfior and the Yrivvior, which my mother lives for. As long as I play nicely with whatever suitor she brings to each meal, they shouldn't be unbearable."

"So frequent, though."

"She drives a tough bargain." Thariyae's tears have mostly dried up now, but her bitterness remains, stronger than ever. "I would have sat through that dinner a second time rather than gone into a watch tower with Alderon right afterward, though."

"Kazmiohn Ruokharismet assigned you to watch duty with Alderon?" I question, hardly able to believe my ears.

"It wasn't the Kazmiohn's idea, Alderon said. He requested it, he told me, while they were up there, and the Kazmiohn agreed."

"But why? It's been clear that the two of you haven't been on speaking terms since...the battle with the Erivim," Krethzirae protests.

"Yes, well. That was why he requested it. He said we can't be on the same squadron and not able to speak to one another or look at each other. Wanted a chance to meet in private, so that we could come to some sort of an understanding."

"He has a point. Did you?" I inquire.

"I...I don't know. We talked, some. It was good...to hear his voice again. But I can't look at him, still, without guilt and shame."

"Does he know that?"

"I told him I couldn't look at him, that I didn't feel worthy of him calling me by my name. I feel awful, for leaving him the way I did, but the conversation with my mother today... He said he understood, better than before, why I did what I did, and that he doesn't hate me. I said his sister still did and probably would until the end of time, and he said to let him deal with her."

"Did you tell him what your mother said at dinner?" Krethzirae wonders.

"Not in as many words. But the general idea, that money and status are all that matter to her in the question of my marriage, and that she has a low opinion of amputees...I told him. I cannot lie to him, and I think it is foolish to hold onto hope for something that can never be. I told him to see other people, if he finds anyone he thinks might be worth his while, and that my family will likely sell me off to the highest bidder regardless of my personal inclinations."

"How did he take that?" I inquire, fearing the answer.

"He...wasn't pleased. Mostly in that I've given up on all hope of us. But with such a mother, what can I do? I insisted that he at least try again with someone else. I told him all I want is for him to be happy, even if it's not with me. I've given up on happiness for myself. I deserve to suffer through my mother's machinations, after breaking his heart."

"I don't think you need be nearly so hard on yourself, and I think a lifetime of misery is too steep a punishment for your mistakes."

"I second that," Krethzirae agrees. "Here. It's no Kaolifen-Sho, but you'll feel better after something to eat and a good night's rest." She hands Thariyae a bowl of rice and braised vegetables, and I ladle in the spiced turtle broth I've been stirring. Krethzirae and I make a good team in the kitchen.

"I don't remember what a good night's rest feels like," Thariyae admits. "I haven't been able to rest easy since I learned he would get a prosthetic.... Vengeance against the Erivim meant so much less, knowing he could continue his career, continue to provide for his family."

"Cezarya feels much the same way," I remark.

"I know it well, but there's no reconciling with her, unless perhaps Alderon can intercede with her on my behalf."

"You were such good friends, before."

"Friendship cannot compare to the bond twins share. She feels I betrayed them both, and it's hard to argue that she's wrong."

"Well. I don't know how to set your conscience at ease, but a little of this herb in your food will help you sleep in spite of it," Krethzirae advises Thariyae, sprinkling some dried leaf crumbles across our roommate's food.

"Thank you. And thank you both for listening. I know I haven't been much good for anything of late, and I'm sorry for coming off as a spoiled rich girl the other night..." Thariyae dissolves into tears again.

"After seeing your mother today, I forgave you. You've been through a lot today. Eat and rest."

"I hope I can. Thank you, again. You'll be a great mother someday, if it pleases you to have children."

Krethzirae smiles. "Thank you. First I have to find a husband. Perhaps you'd deign to ask your mother to seek suitors for me, as well?"

To our surprise, Thariyae actually laughs. "Selfish hag that she is, I doubt she'd be willing to do it out of the goodness of her heart, and I don't know that even pooling our resources together we'd be able to afford her fee."

"Well, put in a good word for Krethzirae with each one you reject right after you break his heart," I suggest.

"That I can definitely handle. My mother will certainly make sure there are more than enough suitors to go around."

Vemzina --> VEHM-zee-nah

Yrivvilon (EER-ee-vee-lahn): title for the son and heir apparent of the Yrivvior