Deathly Kisses

21. "I am so empty inside"

Chp21. "I am so empty inside"









••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••







You want to know what sucks? Crying. Crying sucks. A lot. But overall what probably sucks the most is having a brokenheart. A shattered heart. And you- you're left with all the pieces. All those broken pieces that can't be put together. That can't be fixed. And even if it is possible to be put back together; you will always see those cracks from the damage created still there. After all, you'll probably never really get to feel again. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my entire life. I really wanted to be gone right now. I just wanted to disappear. I hated myself, I hated everyone and everything. It's crazy how just in a few hours you develop such hate that is unbearable; I couldn't really explain it but I felt it. And I felt too much of it for my like.




Want to know something else? Something that hides deep deep in hate? Pain. Hate develops for a reason. There's no way you can just hate for no particular reason at all. Necessarily, it's not always pain. Sometimes it could be love, heartbreak, and others. But in this case- it was pain. So much of it.



After everything back at the hotel, I jumped right to Austin's arms. I felt comfort but not for long before it was all gone. My eyes were bloodshot red and puffy from crying. It was really noticeable- so noticeable that I'd had gotten a whole load of stares as I had walked out of the hotel to Austin's car. I had a massive headache along too. Not to mention the fact that the physically and emotionally pain wouldn't go away. I was afraid. Afraid of what would become of me. Where would I go? Will I ever find my way back home? Will I ever see mom again? Will I ever just be myself again? Will I be able to find myself in this whole mess? Unanswered questions to unknown answers.



Simple. I don't know...



The cars passed by every second, I watched and only said nothing. There was nothing to be said. What I really hated the most was the way I worked with things. Like an average person who receives these type of news, they would most likely by now be done. Crying their sorrows out, going insane- just plain out of state of mind. And I hated that I did none of that, as I was supposed to- as I was meant to. I really don't know why, believe me when I tell you that it does hurt. It really does. But I just can't do it anymore. I can't freak out, I can't go insane, the tears won't come out. It's surreal. I really don't know how to explain it but I just feel... nothing. Besides the pain, the heartache, just nothing. Something had died inside of me.



"I am so empty inside." I muttered to myself as I leaned my face closer to the window and stared at absolutely nothing.



"Huh?" I heard Austin ask along the lines of my statement. He wouldn't understand anyway, not like I do.



I shook my head and responded with a nothing. Because there's nothing to be said. Nothing to be spoken of. We continued to drive in silence. Austin knew better than to talk to me again. I really didn't care about anything anymore. There was nothing to care about. I wonder how my mom is doing...



I hope she's way better than I am, even though I am highly doubting it. Mom is the only one I have left, I need to take good care of her. I don't want to lose her, I don't want to lose another part of my heart. Maybe it's too soon for me to speak. One thing for sure was that I needed to get out of here. I don't know how I will accomplish that but I know that I have to. I can't keep doing this.



"Austin..." I spoke softly, making him turn all of his attention to me. He shifted in his seat but kept one hand on the steering wheel sternly; as his other hand tapped his thigh every once in a while. "Yeah?" He questioned.



I took my gaze completely off the window and turned to Austin. My body was sore and frigid but I had still managed. There's a pounding in my head that's driving me insane. "Why?..." I asked as my eyebrows furrowed in confusion before me.



"Why what?" Austin sat up and fixed his posture as he asked. He was really tired and it was noticeable. The bags under his eyes weren't as bad as mine but they were there.



"Why didn't you go along with what Riley ordered you to do?"



The car grew silent since Austin didn't really want to answer my question. He was uncomfortable; I felt it and he felt it. There was an answer he didn't want to tell me. But I need to know. I needed to know why he didn't just go along with Riley and finished the job. After finding out everything I had asked so many questions. I asked if Riley was responsible for my dad's death. Surprisingly according to Austin, he wasn't. I was so sure of myself that he was. Some things just didn't add up. And I was afraid more things were to come who will just confuse me even more than I already was.



Eventually though, Austin finally spoke after what had seem forever. "What do you mean?"


I scoffed. "You know what I'm trying to say."


"I may be bad guy after all- but I don't kill an innocent person. Believe it or not, I do have a heart... It's just lost right now. Lost somewhere."


"Why don't you find it?" I blurted out curiously.


He shook his head slowly, taking his eyes off the road he looked towards me. "Why don't you find yours?" He had said it in such a harsh tone that I couldn't explain. He snapped right at me, as if he were challenging me.


I was taken back but what he had said. I was visible, he could see right trough me. Anyone could possibly see roughy through me, about now. Yes, it was that noticeable how much of a mess I was. I always felt like Austin told me these things back there, just to comfort me. A way to make me feel better because he felt sympathy towards me. Maybe after all, he probably did understand what I was going trough. Maybe he even felt the same way once, went through this like I did. I didn't know. But his remark really had shocked me to say the least.


"I don't think I'll ever really find it." I said truthfully. It was probably the truth. I don't ever think I'll be myself again. A part just died and it couldn't be returned. I wasn't ready to go searching in the 'lost & found'.


"Likewise."


He hadn't really answered my actual question from the beginning. He went around it to try to avoid it. Of course I didn't forget, he did give me some type of answer. Although it wasn't really a direct answer that was all he would give me. I wasn't going to push it anymore, knowing he would only get angry if I did. Heartbroken or not that didn't change Austin and his ways. I knew that I still had to keep my distance.


"We're almost arriving." Austin said with a dull voice as he stopped at yet another red light.


I wasn't getting so frustrated in always going around. He had stopped multiple times trough out these runaway days for gas. We had ate, stayed in motels and hotels; yet still the money never seemed to disappear. But then again it is Austin, and he is filthy rich. I still didn't understand how. He didn't seem to have a job and obviously if he did- it payed a good amount from what I can tell. I've never even see him around any adults besides the ones I met at the house. Adults that seemed to be his parents. I wasn't about to ask anyway. I still wondered just how many people lived in that house. That was house was huge probably brighter than an actual mansion, not to mention all those expensive cars.



My dad never cares about money... He wasn't that type of guy. That's why I loved him so much. Loved, as in pass tense. I still love him a lot, but now the only difference is that I have to use pass tense for something that is pass and no longer the present.


"A hotel?" I guessed.


"No." Austin shook his head as the light turn green and he sped away. "A friend's."


Before I was able to ask it was Logan, Austin had answered my thought. "It's not Logan."


-


-


-


The house we arrived to was nothing compared to Logan's or the other massive house. This one seemed like any regular house an average family would own. It looked so cozy, it reminded me of my own home. My eyes stung but I kept it together. I couldn't stand being weak any longer. I was trying hard to build a wall too strong it will be so hard to knock down. But I knew deep down that it will be almost impossible for me to do just that.


Austin didn't bother to knock at all, he simply pulled out a key from his pocket and turned the lock, letting ourselves inside. The house from the inside was exactly as I had expected it to be. Nice furniture, a small comfortable kitchen,right size cozy living room, simply overall a normal home.


"Austin? What are you doing here?" A feminine voice spoke. There appeared a girl, she was tall and well... gorgeous. Her skin completion matched perfectly with her stunning vibrant orange- red hair and green eyes.


My head shot to look at another voice, male this time. He appeared to look just like the previous girl. Except his red hair was way much darker than hers. They were both looking like models. They were twins and that was for a fact. "I forgot to tell you that Austin was coming, Stella." He motioned to the girl.


"Obviously." The girl whom name was Stella rolled her eyes annoyingly. Her eyes scanned Austin, she was checking him out. But then her eyes stopped right at the sight of me.


"Who are you?" She said. But not so much in a bitchy tone or anything like that. Quite the opposite actually, she really did seem curious to find out who I was.


"That's Austin's friend."


"Damon, I didn't ask you- I asked her." Stella said to her brother who only mumbled the word bitch under his breath and ran a hand through his spiked hair.


She was still waiting for my reply but Austin spoke for me. "As Damon said, she's my friend."


Her face tensed a bit but she shook it off and glared at Austin and I. "You're still in my house, so you're still under my rules."


"You've gotten more and more bitter by day, huh Stella?" Austin's side of his lips curved upward, he was smirking. He was testing her.


"Don't." She paused as she raised her pouting finger at Austin furiously. "Don't try me, Mahone."


"Don't act all tough. I know you like the back of my hand. I know your weaknesses. You won't don't shit." He hissed.


"You don't know me anymore." She spat.


"And I don't want to either." Austin raised an eyebrow at Stella, satisfied that he had won the argument.


"You're an asshole." She hissed before walking away.


Before she was fully able to walk on out, Damon grabbed her by the arm. Quietly but loud enough Austin and I were able to hear, he whispered. "I'll explain what's going on to you later, just stay calm and be nice." She rolled her eyes and parted out of the room.


Damon then finally turned to Austin and I and smiled politely. "Sorry about my sister. She's just being-" he paused looking for the right words to say. "- very childish and rude."



I nodded in understanding. The tension her and Austin had was very explicit. No one could deny, not even her own brother. Austin laughed and shook his head slightly. "Still exactly the same as she was before." He chuckled to himself. "Only maybe even worse now."



I hadn't spoken much at all. I wasn't really feeling it. Everything was drained out of me. There was no point in wasting the small amount of energy I had left in me. If there was even any left. After small talk, Damon escorted us to a room upstairs. According to Austin, he was waiting to meet someone here. He didn't tell me who but I didn't even really want to know. I had taken a small shower right away after I was offered to. It felt nice, showers were always a place where I could escape reality. I know it may sound strange but I was. I always found myself enjoying showers because of the peaceful sound and water all over my body. It made me think, about a lot of things I couldn't and didn't want to think about. But it was totally worth it.


Austin was currently taking a shower as well. I was snuggled up in the biggest oversized sweater Cora had lend me and some sweatpants as well. My hair was still wet and my face looked lifeless. I didn't care. I sat on the comfy bed and focused my attention on Full House- which was on TV.


As the door opened I turned my attention to face Austin walking inside. He had just his pants on. Not even bothering to wear a shirt. Typical. I took a few peeks here and there. It would be a waste if I didn't. He threw the towel on a bin next to a desk. His hair was wet and defiantly curly. I liked the way it looked on him. When he caught my eye staring I completely looked away as if it were nothing. He didn't say anything though.


"She's still not over you, isn't she?" I asked randomly.


Austin however, didn't have a confused look because he knew to who I was referring to. Stella. "No." He shook his head.


I nodded and parted my eyes from him and back to the screen. To my conclusion from downstairs I knew there had been something there between Austin and Stella. Obviously she still wasn't over him, he on the other hand- was over everything. Including her.


"She was bad." Austin spoke as he sat next to me on the bed. "Cheated on me multiple times. Funny thing is- I let her. I took her back so many times, because at one point she was my world. I guess that's what encouraged her even more. We had our history. But history is history. That's in the past now. "


"- I was young. We were young. Sixteen, and half my seventeen year. I guess I was only with her because she helped me with loss. Helped me through everything I needed help with. She was always there when I needed her. But soon that changed. She was only there sometimes. I should have seen this coming." He sighed and chuckled softly sending chills through my spine. He continued on anyways, more as if telling himself the story again rather than to me.


"I don't regret anything. I do regret letting her in. But that's over now. She still wants to try things again, she makes promises but I know she doesn't keep them." He paused and looked to me. "She was helping me- she tried saving me from my demons. At first she was successful, but then... She became the demon."



I was at a loss of words. I've never had anyone open up to me like that; let alone Austin. I really wasn't expecting that from him. He always had this massive wall built around him- and still does. So unbreakable. But I was glad he opened up to me, I was really glad.



To my feelings and stupid emotions, I started to cry. I quickly brought my hands over to my face and covered myself. I didn't want him to look at me, I didn't want him to see me like this. Austin surprised by my sudden outburst, came closer to me. It was a struggle for him. I can tell he really didn't know how to comfort someone. But he was trying and that was good enough for me.


"Amelia..." Austin spoke softly.


This was the first time I had heard him call me by my full name. I wasn't even sure he even knew my last name, let alone my full name. It sounded... strange but comforting yet scary. I caught my sobs right away before I was able to let any more out. And quickly wiped away my tears.


"God, I'm so sorry." My voice cracked. Pathetic.


"It's okay."


"It's not..."


"I know..." He paused, "but it will be."


"I'm so lost..." I let out trying to be calm.


Austin looked at me with his hazel like green eyes, "We're all lost."


"I can't do this... My dad- I need him. He was supposed to save me. I can't..." I let out a small pleading cry. I didn't know what else to do.


"Hey, hey." Austin caught my chin and brought my face back up to face him. "I've been in your place before. I know."


I shook my head as a few tears escaped from the corners of my eyes. "The you know what it feels like to want to disappear? To know your world is falling? That person who made you smile, gone?" I caught my breath. "Do you know?"


Austin's hand was still on my chin and his fingers on my cheek wiping tears away. The fact that he was still shirtless wasn't helping. "Yes, yes I know." He lowered his gaze. "But want to know what else I know?" He questioned me. I nodded in wanting to hear what he had to say.


"I know that this won't last forever. This is life, and we move on. That's the only way, accepting it and continuing on. I know it hurts- trust me I do. But it won't last forever, okay?" Austin waited for my answer.


I mouthed a small okay back to him as I bit my lip. "You're so great at giving me advice but-" I moved my head slightly to the side. "...you aren't so good at taking your own advice." I stated matter of factlty.


"I know." Was all he whispered.


There was a moment of silence after that. But it wasn't the awkward type or the comforting type- it was plain silence. Austin's hand was still holding my face steady, as his thumb was stroking my cheek calmly. I slowly placed my hand on his bare chest. He noticed it and quickly his body tensed up. His eyes were locked onto mines and mine onto his. They were gleaming. I saw as Austin's eyes flickered to my lips and slowly back up my eyes. I did the same. I bit the inside of my cheek as my heart sped up, and the heat rose up between us. I hadn't noticed how close he was until I was able to feel his breath against me. Was he able to hear how fast my heart was beating?


Austin slowly licked his bottom lip, and I stared as he did. The space between us was becoming limited. The warmth of his body was driving me insane. I tilted my head as he did his. And slowly our noses were touching each other's. Soon right after, I felt his soft gentle lips brush against mine slightly. But before it was able to lead to anything more, the door burst open revealing Damon and following along behind him, Stella.


"They're here." Damon spoke, a tad bit of bitterness and fright in his voice.













•••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••





VOTE & COMMENT!! :)