Paris / Ted Lasso

65. Little Shit

"Good afternoon. Coach Lasso, is Isaac okay?" Sharon questioned.

"No, ma'am, he is not. Nah, he's a wigwam in a tepee right now." Ted corrected.

"What does that mean?"

" He's too tense." Beard clarified.

"Boom!" The coaches agreed.

"He's wound tighter than my nan's hairnet." Ted added. "That only makes sense if you know my nan, but when she wears a hairnet it looks like puppies are trying to escape from it." Ted added.

"Mmm." Sharon countered looking between them.

"I am not crazy."

" Do you want me to talk to Isaac?"

"No. That's okay. We got it." Ted assured, he still didn't like therapy, didn't trust it. "I know exactly what Isaac needs. Thank you, though."

Ted had failed at therapy with his ex wife, which he was fine with now but during the therapy itself, it was just... hard on both of them. He wanted to make it work but she was already past wanting him. He was glad he had poppy, she was the best thing to happen to him. He forgot what it was like to really be in love and feel love back. So he didnt believe in therapy. 

"Okay." Sharon agreed heading off. Ted kept a smile on his face as she left.

" What does Isaac need?" Beard countered. Ted sighed.

" Oh, I have no idea." Ted admitted. "No, usually in this situation I'd have a player talk to the team captain before I intervened."

" But Isaac's our captain."

' Exactly. And I can't very well ask Isaac to pull himself aside. 'Cause that would be dangerously close to messing with the, what's it?"

" The dark arts?"

"No, no."

"Space-time continuum?" Birdie suggested, Ted smiled down at her scooping her up. 

"That's it, yeah." Ted agreed. "So smart you are birdie!"

"I know, mama tells me all the time." Birdie agreed. 

"I know she does." Ted agreed kissing her cheek.   "Alright... Fact is, Isaac is a big dog, you know? So he's only going to respond to a big dog himself."

" Ah! Hello, Higgins."

"What can I help you with?" Rebecca questioned.

" Payroll." Poppy answered, coming in behind him. "Just review this and tell me everything is perfect."

"I trust you." Rebecca assured. 

"Great because I gave myself holiday pay for working on Christmas." Poppy added submitting the hours, the payments would be delivered tomorrow. 

"Anything else from Poppy?" 

"Nope, I handled everything." Poppy assured. 

''Um, we have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham. Just got a call from their new owners, showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds. I can't tell if them buying the club is a joke or not," Higgins added. "so I haven't replied to them yet."

"I love Ryan Reynolds!" Poppy declared. "And his wife and their children! Send them to me next time!" Poppy begged. "Oh I want to be friends with them." 

"Right." Rebecca agreed distractedly.  "Did you just see what was on my screen?" Rebecca countered hesitantly.

" Oh, no, no, no, no." Higgins assured, poppy took a step forward. "I have five boys. I never look over anyone's shoulders to see what's on their screens. I used to." He shuddered. 

"What are you looking at? Porn in the office Becca?" Poppy tsked. 

"No, nothing like that..."

"THen what? Show me! Show me! Show me!" 

"You are such a little sister." Rebecca muttered a smile on her face. 

+

Roy grumbled staring down at the text from Poppy. 

"Make it three." Roy added. "and I told you, either you take down my photo or you start giving me free kebabs" Roy barked. The owner gave him the total instead. "Fair enough."

"No way!" Ted declared. "Fancy running into you here, after asking Poppy where you were and scootin' my boot right over, that is." Ted added.

"She told me to expect a mustachioed surprise that would anger me and requested food on top of it." Roy agreed. "I thought it was gonna be Wario or my great-aunt Natalie."

"I don't know what makes your aunt Natalie so great, but I appreciate your effusiveness, despite her appearance." Ted agreed. Roy growled. "I'll have what he's having." Ted added.

"Why are you bothering me at my kebab place?" Roy barked. " This is like my church."

" Oh?" Ted mused. "Who knew transubstantiation could happen with a pita?" Roy scowled back at him as he took a seat. "What do you think about joining the coaching staff?"

"Fuck off."

"Mmm, that's a solid negotiation tactic right there." Ted agreed. Roys phone dinged again, he glanced down at it. 

Extra sauce and be nice to Ted. Roy rolled his eyes. Fuck her too the little fucker. 

"I don't wanna coach. I like what I'm doing, and I'm good at it." Roy corrected. "People tweet about me, with JIFs and everything."

"I know some folks pronounce it "GIFs", but I hear you." Ted agreed. "Look, if you enjoy doing the whole pundit thing, then you should do it for the rest of your life."

"Why won't you let me be happy?" Roy demanded. "You and Poppy ruining this place for me." 

" Here you go, mate." their food was placed before them. 

"More sauce to go." Roy barked. 

"Thank you." Ted added. 

" You two are father and son, right?" The owner asked, Ted beamed back at Roy but he scowled in answer.

"What? No." Roy spat.

"Mm-mmm. I'm his former coach." Ted agreed.

"Ah, it's all the same thing." The owner assured. "You two remind me of me and my old man when I told him I was leaving medical school a week before graduation."

"Ooh, I bet that's a story Would have made a great doctor too." Ted assured.

"I was really good at it. Bedside manner, reading charts, cutting up shit. But it's just not what I was meant to do." He chuckled. "What? I love making a doner kebab. Anyway, how's that kebab, my friend?" Ted took a bite.

"Well, to quote Drizzy, it's the best I ever had." Ted agreed.

" Good, right?" He countered "Cool."

"Mm-hmm." Ted wiped at his lips before looking back at Roy. "Look, Roy, all kibbles and bits aside, I'm really just here to ask you for a favor for an old friend. One Mr. Isaac McAdoo."

"Hmm. He's all up in his head, isn't he?" Roy realized.

"Yes, he is. And I need him to check out of there by Saturday." Ted added. "You got any ideas?"

"Let me finish my kebab and pray on it." Roy countered.

"Right there." Ted put some money down. "For the collection plate. Later, skater."

"Well, this place is ruined now. Hey, take this home for Poppy and Birdie." Roy demanded. Ted smiled reaching out for it. "SHe knew you were coming yet she made me pay for her meal." Roy added. "She's a little shit."

"She's the best."