Nothing made sense to me at the moment. As the words from Annie circulated in my ear my body became numb. I was trying to repeat her words in my mind but the more I said them the more painfully they sounded.
I landed at the airport in Pennsiylvinna where Annie and Colleek were. Immediately after the plane door flew open I jetted towards the awaiting SUV. As I moved towards the car the door flung opened and TY came stepping out.
"Jay..? I know you won't be able to take it so I called a driver."
Without responding I hung my down and moved towards the otherside. As I placed my hands upon the door handle I raised my head, catching a glimpse at myself in the mirror. The
"Jay? Colleeks dead!" I said to myself in the SUV's window. Tears started to fall down my face as I thought about the last words I spoked to him.
Gripping the cellphone in my hand I threw it the window causing the glass to shatter over the airport's runway. Beside taking out my frustration on the phone I tried to remove the image that I saw. The person that went ahead and signed the paper, handed over the cash and purcahse him the car that caused his death.
Tears started to fall as I realised what I had just done to my nephew, to my sister, to my family. Out of all the gifts I could've given him I choosed a car. Instead of a night just showing the ropes around the industry or giving him the money I had set aside for his college had he planned to go there.
Starring at the shattered glasses near my feet I became even more emotionally, because I cause my sister's heart in those broke pieces, thats how her heart was shattered into a million piece.
"Jay? Man I know you pissed of and everything but we got to go."
"Go for what? So I could stand there and see his cold body laying there. So I could see the pain in my sister eyes as she cry a river because of the shit I caused. Uhh..."
"Jay how is this your fault? You weren't in the car."
"Shut the fuck up Ty." I yelled slamming my hands down on the door. "It is my fucking fault. Who else bought him the fucking car? Nobody but me. Instead of spending time with him I threw some material bullshit on him." I said as a lump slid down in my throat.
The atmosphere became silent as I placed my hands on the door lowering my head and crying.
"Jay. Lets just go. Annie wants you to see him before they move his body.
In no time another SUV came rushing in as they drove the other away from where I was standing.
The entire car ride to the hospital was quiet. My mind kept playing the moment of him hugging me over and over again as he entered into his car.
If I had just thought about it a little more none of the shit would've happened. As we drove near the hospital I fixed my eyes on my lap forcing the tears to stop but they didn't. In no time we were at the hospital as I watched his classmates gathered around the enterance.
Hopping out the SUV I walked swiftly with TY following behind me. Pushing past the chit chats I entered inside to see my weeping sister and mother who stood in the middle of the waiting room. The sounds of Annie hollers and screams only sliced me deeper as I watch her grip onto Mickey's shirt.
Slowly I walked over to her moving my hands around her waist. As I got in front of her I placed my hands at the back of her head trying to comfort her.
"I'm so sorry Annie. I didn't mean to let this happen. I'm sorry for causing his death." I said as tears dripped down on the top of her head.
Within 45 minutes the doctor came, letting us see his body for the final time. As I watched his cold, frozen body; flashes of the moment he recieved his car came into my mind causing tears to drain down my face.
As the tears continued to fall I exited the hospital room moving into the waiting room. Taking a seat at the far end I placed my head in my hands as I tried to stop the thoughts of him from rushing through my head.
"Everything happens to teach us a lesson Jay. God never fails. He does all things well." My grandma said taking a seat on the side of me.
"All things well? How could you even say that? How is this well? How is causing a family to moan and a mother to weep well mama?"
"Its here to show you how short life is son. God could've saved him. How many individuals are out there day after day drinking and driving but still alive? How many persons are out there speeding and smoking but still alive? God could've saved him like he saved the others doing worst."
"But he didn't so whats the answer to that?" I said becoming a little annoyed.
"To show you how short life really is. To make you realize how many good things are before you and are with you. To show you that the good things in your life you could lose, to show you how to cherish those who really love you. God don't put nothing on us that we can't bare. If he had given it to someone else they might have killed themselves trying to ease the pain but he gave it to us so that we could set an example so that we could have another chance to live and make it right. Jay, make it right, make it right with God, make it right with your enemies, with your family, make it right with that young woman who loves you like she loves her talent. Make it right son.''
"Not now, not even God can help this right now." I said as I started to cry.
"Thats where you wrong, he covered you all those days you were out in the street selling that dope. He stopped alot of bullets from hitting your chest. He stopped you from having any sort of illness or disease that could've been caused from all those women you slept with. He stopped you from having those babies with those good for nothing woman because if you did that girl you have now would of dropped you like dead weight. So yes he can help you. He did it before and he will do it again." My grandmama said as she took my face in her hands.
"Shawn. You know why I am worried?"
"Why mama?"
"Because if he had been taken or died from a bullet it would've sting and hurt more. God makes no mistakes, but we do. This is his lesson to you. This his answer to all the things you've been waiting for. Live this life like its your last, ask God everyday to give you a peace of mind."
As I listened to my grandma I sat there in tears. I was a little angry because I had planned out everything for his future. I didn't want him to work for nothing, he would've had everything he needed and wanted but I guess that mama was right. It was all a lesson, a lesson for me but I couldn't come to the realization that he had to die to teach me something.
Since that night at the hospital I've been back & forth none stop. As much as I didn't want to mention it I had to admit I was feeling a little light. Its been about 3 days already since he had passed. Everyone in the family was feeling burdened free but not me. I felt a little less burden since I had spoken to Bey this morning. She finally found out about it from my niece Teanna who she kept in contact with regularly.
With my grandma's words in my ear and with Bey's over the phone prayers I was now able to talk about him with out shed much tears. Sitting up at the kitchen table I repeated Bey's words silently
"God, give me a peace of mind, give my mind perfect peace to manage this situation. Amen." Everytime I thought about him and wanted to cry I couldn't because it was what I asked for.
"Jay? Here." My sister Annie said placing a plate of food in the front of me.
"Its fine Annie. I'm not that hungry."
"Of course your not. Cause your beating up yourself on the inside right? Jay this is not your doing. God give life and he takes it. Don't act like mama aint teach us about him."
"Annie not right now please."
"Yes right now. Jay he is my son and I will forever moan and weep but it took death to make me pray. It took God taking my only son from me to realise that HE is the only one that could take this pain away. I might be heart-broken but I am at peace. I might be lonely but I am at peace. I can think things through without shedding a tear. God will give us another Colleek.. I no he will."
"I hope so Annie." I said trying to cut this sermon short before I have another one like my grandma gave me.
"Now eat. Your getting thin and your gonna catch gas pain. Beyonce might come she doesn't need to smell your stink gas or rub on an empty stomach." She said laughing as she placed a hot cup of tea next to my food.
Its finally the day of Colleek's funeral. I didn't bother getting a hotelroom or driver. Instead we just stayed at Annie's house. It was just 12'oclock in the morning and like the pass few nights I couldn't sleep. I've been staying in Colleek's room and decided it the best place to be. Bey just landed a few hours ago so she was here with me.
Everything my grandma said I took and held them close to my heart. Everyday my tears became less, my mind was in peace and slowly my heart was getting there.
With Bey here she had certainly lighten the mood. Instead of us discussing the funeral and remembering him everyone was gushing over how much of a down to earth girl she was. Thats why I loved her. She blended in perfectly with everyone, she wasn't skimmy nor picky which was fine with my family. They loved that she enjoyed eating and was comfortable wherever.
As I rubbed Bey's arm up and down I starred at the ceciling thinking about how short life really is and how its not the older ones passing away much anymore but the little ones who we hold the future in their hands.
"Jay... When are you gonna rest?" Bey said moving on my chest where she rested her head.
"I'm fine baby. Its just alot."
Turning over to face me she peck the bottom of my lips causing a small smile to appear.
"You wanna talk about it babe. Atleast about why you are blaming yourself so much. You have to talk to me Jay atleast get it out. Say something, anything."
Pulling strips of her hair I kissed her forehead. I took a long deep breath. I didn't no just how to tell her what I really felt.
"You remember the girl who went to the media saying I was the father of her child; The cute little boy?"
"Yea."
"Well, when I heard she was pregnant I went to visit her. She was about 3 months pregnant. She looked beautiful. She wouldn't allow me near her but I kept on going back and forth. Every week I send money to her, $5,000 sometimes $10,000. I gave her basically whatever. When the kid came my mother told me to take a DNA test. I did it and found out the kid wasn't mines." I said starring further out of space.
"I didn't want to believe it was or wasn't my son. Prior to her, two of my girlfriends were pregnant. Within one month time they both miscarried. After that and finding out Shantelle's son wasn't mine I just stopped worrying about kids. The only son I had in my life at that time was Annie's son Colleek. I loved him and all my nephew's the same, I made up in my mind that they were always gonna be just my kids in life. I didn't want to suffer another miscarriage, get hopes high and everything, then it all falls apart. So since I had my nephews and nieces already I just worked on making them first priorty, especially sense his dad wasn't around. Whatever he wanted he got, from money, to clothes, electronics, trips, day out at a basketball game, everything. I used to spend days with him, even help him with his homework, whenever he wanted to see me I made sure to make time; now he's gone."
"Thats why you've been so broken about it?"
"Yea, I got him whatever he wanted instead of what I knew he needed. He needed that father figure just like I did. I knew it but I never bothered to make sure he got it." I said through the lump in my throat.
"Jay. You can't carry the burden of others."
''He didn't deserve it baby girl. Everything good in my life I mess up, I no its good but I don't appericate it because I think once I have something it will never go. This has all been by far a wake up call and I don't wanna push things faster,I want them to happen naturally. Life is so short and I just want those things in life that will make me happy."
"Things like what?" She asked wiping away my tears as they escaped my eyes.
"Marriage. Kids. A family. Just things that I see but never got. It looks so beautiful." I said with a smile on my face as I looked at her.
The room became stiff and silent as she starred at the wall blankly with her mouth folded.
"Bey?"
"Hmmm... I heard you!"
"Whats the matter? You just went MIA on me."
Pulling away from my chest she sat up placing her back to the bed head and pulling the sheet over her stomach.
"I'm really sorry Jay...."
"For what?"
"Do you still see us together like with marriage and kids?"
"Yes!"
"Then marriage and kids are very far away for me. I'm not sure exactly what I want right now." She said fumbling with her fingers.
The room grew cold and the tension became thick. I starred at her face blankly as she turned her head the other way.
"Why?"
"Jay I am not gonna be a divorceé. I'm not gonna experience what my parents went through and I am not trapping a baby in the middle of it either for him or her to grow close to outsiders or a boyfriend like I did to find comfort. I'm not and I'm not saying you will be the downfall for it all or I will but its just a little to much for me to handle right now and so young."
I thought about what she said and realized how much fear was built inside of her. It wasn't that her perspective had changed but it was her fear of not having a stable family and the fear of repeating the mistakes of her father & mother. Holding her hands I pulled her into my chest and gave her a soft kiss on her forehead as she fell into sweet sleep.
I stood at the grave sight with my niece TT in my hands as Bey held onto my waist watching the casket of my elderst nephew lower into the ground. I couldn't cry like I wanted to. I did so many of that before that I found my eyes numbing.
The funeral service was short and sweet. From my mother, to my sisters, to all my nieces and nephew giving a tribute it was all soothing. The only thing that brought tears to everyones eyes was when Bey gave a selection of 'Leaning on the Everlasting arms' that caused tears to flow.
As the casket lowered Colleeks school mates sang 'Amazing Grace' as TT grip my collar crying for her only brother.
"God makes no mistakes, only we do" Bey said kissing my lips as she moved her hands in a circular motion.
After the burial, I hopped in the car with TT sleeping in Bey's arms as we drove back home for the family gathering. Wither it was lesson or a blessing I just wanted this burden of it being my fault to be released of my shoulder.