"Don't give up on what makes you happy Texas. Life is too short."
Why? Why were those her parting words?
The sky was dark, clouds blotting out the moon. A few stars poked through the infinitesimal gaps. They were bits of light trying to break free from the bleak shadows, trying to squeeze their way into her battered heart. White-knuckled grip on the stairwell, Texas let out another shuddering breath. She stared up at the night sky. Drinking in the cold air with each inhale her body almost seemed to burn. Too many emotions swam in the depths of her soul. If she were made of glass Texas knew she would have broken by now, shattering into a million pieces.
But she wasn't glass, not that it mattered.
Her heart felt broken beyond repair.
"I-I don't know why . . . Why this is so hard . . ."
The metal object was far from the coldest thing here but it might as well have been a piece of dry ice at this point. A small tag attached at the end reflected the sole beam of moonlight shining through. A name was written there, engraved for all to see. Texas remembered the day she got this gift. It had been a cold day just like this one. She was so often prepared for every eventuality, but this came as a surprise. A happy one. This gift meant so much to her then, and may even have been considered the start of their relationship. Such a wonderful day, her heart fit to bursting.
But things were different now.
She was different.
And so was Lappland.
"Why can't I just do this? Why? Why? WHY?!"
She resisted the urge to scream. Her hands were shaking, the necklace swinging like a damaged pendulum. It seemed to match the will of the owner. She wondered if the match made for it was still in existence. Perhaps it was already lost to a place with no return, be it a stream or a muddied pit.
Rain began to fall, tiny droplets turning fat as they splashed into grimy puddles. The few that landed in her half-open mouth burned like acid on her tongue. She swallowed it down and took with it the unmistakable sorrow wrenching out the vulnerable heart in her chest. Black dress wet already —not from rain— she let out a sigh.
"You should come in Texas, before you catch a cold."
She turned to see Houston hobbling over to her. He'd been relying more on his cane as of late, as if the loss of Gran had made him lose the will to keep up the therapy needed to walk without it. Both of them struggled with the dark fate handed to them, trying to pick up a broken boulevard of dreams. She saw it every time Houston spoke of Gran, of their plans for the future, how they would watch Texas become alpha, watch their grandchild get married and have children of her own. All of it seemed like a lost dream, a lost hope.
And maybe that's what it was.
"I don't. I don't want to." She muttered.
The painful memories swirled around like a broken record. Gran was cradled in her arms, sticky crimson covering her stomach to spill onto Texas's fuzzy coat. The metallic stuff mixed in with dirt and grime. And her bronze swords had a streak of it too. She'd been too numb to wipe it off. Knowing whose blood it was . . . her stomach churned.
"Texas." Houston emphasized her name, the word a low growl. When she was a child that growl had always been like a warning shot. 'Do not take another step further' it seemed to say. Texas had learned the boundaries of the line, knew where there was leeway, if there was any to be had in the first place.
Both of them were so tired though. And when they were tired all the lines blurred.
"I know, I know. I'm coming." She told herself it was for Houston's sake and not hers that she followed him dutifully back home. Well, not the home she had gotten used to living in.
No.
Her first home.
She cast one last look back at the bridge as she stepped off, a slight tremble in her limbs. The necklace clutched tightly, the tag at the end swung precariously. Morbidly, she pictured the chain breaking. The tag would fall off and disappear into one of the many puddles before slithering down into an awaiting drain. Maybe such a fate was befitting for this gift. Maybe it would be easier to let it go this way. If not from being dropped off the bridge, perhaps this course of action was best. She could always just claim to have lost it on accident.
But no.
That would be a lie, and she knew very well how lies ended.
So Texas stuffed the necklace back in her pocket and left the bridge for now.
*****
The Texas family mansion was just as grand as it had always been. Those white pillars overlooking the peaceful garden out front. Texas remembered walking with her mother down the aisles of roses, violets and daffodils, breathing in their heady scent as they gave the plants water and fertilizer. She had found the activity peaceful albeit boring. There was just something very bothersome about plants. Maybe it was just how little they did in general. It reminded her of the turtle she tried to make her pet all those years ago. She and Lappland ended up releasing it back into the wild in the end, once they figured out that turtles were always slow.
The thought of Lappland made tears well in the corners of her eyes. Texas blinked them back angrily. When would those memories stop hurting? Never, not while there are things unsaid her mind whispered. Lappland you just won't leave me be.
It was these thoughts that followed her through dinner and to her bed that night. And when she closed her eyes, the pain came to her dreams. Like an old friend they were at every corner, haunting her darkest nightmares.
*****
Days blurred into weeks. Texas found herself at the bridge again.
And once again she wasn't alone.
Emperor sat on the railing, his webbed feet hanging off the edge. He was dressed in the same style as always, rapper shirt and cap with glasses. Texas eyed him out of the corner of her vision as she chewed on a pocky stick. The necklace she wore for so long was a heavy weight in her pocket still. She may have lost the battle of throwing it into the abyss of a river, but that didn't mean it would go back to resting over her heart. Too many ties had been cut recently. Her core burned with the knowledge of the loss.
"Heard you been through a lot recently."
"Yeah." Texas acknowledged him with the small word, her dark ears twitching.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really." She admitted.
"Aight."
A silence stretched between them, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Texas watched the water rippling in the river below. This bridge had been around since Houston was born. The wood was sturdy but warped, years of rain and travel over it aging the planks. Her fingernails dig into wood, seeking the crevices formed by other wolves who came before her. And if she dared to look to her right there was the forest. And beyond that, Siracusa. Siracusa, where wolves ran free and lived as wild as the ancestors of long past.
"I don't know what to do Emperor."
"I figured."
"Could you tell me what to do?"
She had been making decisions for so, so long. Look where it got me. Nowhere. She thought of Eagle, Hawke and the rest. All of them supported the decision to disband, had gladly done it because she believed it was the right thing to do. Now she wasn't sure if any choices she made had been the right ones. If we hadn't disbanded . . . maybe Gran would still be alive. And maybe Lappland and I . . . we'd still be together. A little broken but alright. But some part of her knew even if she kept the pack together it wouldn't have mattered. What happened between the two of them ran so much deeper.
"You know I can't Texas. Some decisions you have to make for yourself."
"B-but it's so hard Emperor. I just, I don't want to think anymore." Her vision swam. It took her a moment to realize why as a tear trickled down. Emperor glanced her way, studying her face for a brief moment. When he turned back to face the moving river his expression shifted slightly, beak twitching. Sadness was what it was.
"I know you don't Texas, which is exactly why you need to."
"B-but—"
A flipper patted the back of her hand gently. The appendage was a sleek cold, akin to the trickle of water from an opened bottle. "Texas. It's the moments where you don't want tom think that you need to think most. So tell me, what are you feeling now?"
She bit the inside of her cheek, letting take pain ground her. "I, what I feel now . . . So many things. Despair for one. Hurt, grief, loss."
"As I expected. But I can tell there's more, so out with it."
One thing she could appreciate from Emperor was that when it came down to it, he made sure the truth came out. As a friend he was there for you. And there's no enemy that can beat him. Even if he is a Penguin. It almost made her smile when she thought about the day they met, how Emperor stared down death like it was an everyday occurrence.
"I don't know what I want anymore Emperor. For so long I've had my life laid out for me, everything planned right down to the letter. I was to be the Texas Pack Alpha for the majority of my life, find a loving mate and settle down. And once I had kids who were trained to take over then I would retire and, well, die. It was going to be pretty straightforward."
The more she thought about it the more she realized just how true this was. For all the complaints on strict structure and harshness on her lessons from Gran, they were all just to continue making her life this straight path with one sole end. But nothing in life is ever so simple. If they were all just cookie cutter people then there wouldn't be things like Infection and gangs and rivalries with Siracusa. If everyone just lived a certain way because they were raised in one fashion then life would be perpetually boring. And if I really was just another Texas, just another alpha in line, then I would have chased Lappland out the day I first found her. One look at that white fur should've been all the justification I needed to rid our pack of her danger.
It made something in her ache all the more when she remembered that day. Those silver eyes staring at her so brokenly. Lappland had lost everyone she had ever loved right before they met. Sometimes she forgot just how lost the white wolf had been then. But, Texas refused to belief pity was the reason why she helped Lappland. She knew it wasn't. She had taken one look at Lappland, taken in the grief, despair, anger, and emptiness, and had seen past it all. Texas found underneath all the disparaging layers there was one thing remaining in each and every person who ever existed.
Everyone wants to be loved.
And Texas, who had been lonely in the ways of friends, had connected to this. Because she too wanted to love and be loved by someone else. So while the story of them was complicated beyond what could be defined by any normal standards, at least at their core they were the same. Even if no one else ever knew, Texas understood.
"It's often the people who have their whole life planned out for them are the ones who end up the most lost," Emperor said. "That's why my parents never pushed me into anything. Let me make my own choices. They may not have been rich, but they at least knew how to support me. To let me find my way on my own."
"My family's only ever had my best interests at heart." Texas defended. She didn't know why there was such a desperate need to say this, even after everything. The stories from Gran about sacrificing her true love came to mind, as did the tales of a Texas born outside the pack, never to be alpha just because of technicalities.
Emperor shook his head sadly. "You've told me the Texas family always puts the needs of the Pack before their own. I know that's what leaders are supposed to do, but weight like that ain't meant to be fallin' on one family alone."
Texas sighed. "Perhaps you're right, but I don't think that'll change anything."
"Oh. But it might."
"What do you mean?"
What goes on inside that penguin's head? Is he crazy. To her knowledge, this tradition of pack before all else had been with the Texas family since they first came into existence many centuries ago. Like the Lungmen dynasty, she doubted it would ever fall. Emperor turned in one fluid motion, slipping off the rail back to the rackety wooden planks below. The center of the bridge was reinforced with metal, leaving the very edges the only true signs of the weathering results to the original craftsmanship.
"Change can start anywhere. And in this case, it should start with you."
"But I," I've been in the same system all this time. Who's to say I'm even capable of what he might be implying? There really wasn't any might at this point, but the fiercely loyal to the Texas pack part of her wanted to belief there was regardless. Old habits really did die hard. "I don't think I can."
"You're wrong Texas."
Emperor stared up at her head on. Even though the height difference between the two friends was clear as day, Texas found herself feeling smaller for whatever reason. The weight of that cool gaze did a number on the already weakened control she thought she had in this situation, and, more importantly, her life. All the dreams she had, the hopes to make the world better . . . almost all of them were impossible now.
"I don't think I am." She murmured quietly, tongue dry in her mouth.
Why?
Because there was someone in all of them.
And with the way things were now, she was not coming back.
Those dreams were as good as dead as long they were separated.
She just wasn't strong enough, wasn't good enough to stand alone and enact all those hopes.
"Texas. I want you to listen to me and listen well, what happened with Lappland wasn't your fault," Emperor said those words in a simple tone, despite knowing the effect they were going to have.
Texas inwardly recoiled. Her hands retracted back to fists at her side. Briefly, one hovered over the pocket with the practically burning weight. She hadn't resisted the necklace since the last time she had been on the bridge. Another example of the coward she had become.
"I-I . . . How is she not my fault? We were, she was my—"
"I know you planned on becoming mates with her. And I know I don't really understand the commitment that entails, so I'm not going to pretend I can relate to it, but that doesn't mean I don't know about how you and Lappland were. I've seen relationships like the one you had with her. They start off perfect but then one person starts becoming toxic for one reason or another and refuses to change even though it's hurting both of them. Texas, those relationships never end well."
Her heart clenched painfully, like it was trying to squeeze the blood in her veins into a little puddle on the ground. Her eyes welled up again. "I, you really think that?"
"Yes I do. Don't tell me you didn't sense it at least?"
All those nights talking with Gran hinted at the same thing. Texas had been in denial for so long. Warning signs blared off with alarm each and every instance Lappland allowed infection to consume her thoughts and actions. Texas had forgiven again and again and again. Where did it get you? How broken has she left you? Why did you let things go this far?
There was a simple answer.
Love.
Love was always said to either be a comedy or tragedy. In this case, it seemed to be the latter.
"I'd be lying if I said I was unaware of the damage Lappland was causing but . . . It wasn't exactly her fault. She can't change the fact that she's Infected." If there was one thing remaining constant here, it was the lack of blame for becoming Infected in the first place. There was no control over who became sick. Who became healthy. In the end everyone just tried hard to avoid meeting a tragic end. Live a happy life, die a reasonable death.
Emperor sighed. "I didn't say she should be. No one can control the hand fate deals us. However, that doesn't mean we can't make our own path still. Lappland May have become Infected, but she didn't have to let the Infection control her. Didn't have to let it win."
"I—"
"Don't make a defense Texas. It's pointless. You know Lappland let those shards consume her mind. If she truly cared for your relationship she wouldn't have hid it from you, would have communicated better to make the situation work."
"But she didn't. She didn't know if she could." Those scared silver eyes from all those years ago when she first found the shards embedded in Lappland's leg. They glittered like false diamonds: beautiful as much as they were deadly. "It wasn't her fault!" Her voice grew with the anguish she felt. There was so much pain to be had, a waterfall crashing down on the rocks to drown her unfortunate form below.
"I'm not saying it was Texas." Emperor's voice was gentle, far more than she probably deserved with all her blubbering and gloom of the past few days. "But at the same time we all have choices to make. And no matter what you may say to the contrary, you and Lappland are split up mainly because of her actions, and in some case lack of actions. You can't save a ship that's burning at sea, but that doesn't mean you have to go down with it."
The analogy made bitterness surge in her lungs. A dry chuckle escaped her. "But what if I'm the captain? I am supposed to be alpha." She murmured.
"But is being alpha what you truly want?"
Breath caught in her lungs. How did he always know what to say to catch her off guard? Being an alpha was not exactly a choice. She had been born into the responsibility, taught time and time again that being a leader was her purpose in life. So she understandably connected the title to her identity, tying it with things like who would be her mate and where she called home. There was no need for pondering things Texas had always known. No need at all. But now I'm questioning everything. My parents would be so disappointed. I don't even want to know what Gran would think of this. Perhaps the old wolf might understand her tribulations, however it was clear the senior Texas had ultimately chose the pack over her own desires in the end.
"I-I . . . What do you want me to say to that? You know I can't just—"
"I'm not saying your words will condone actions. All I want is for you to be honest with yourself Texas. Can you please do this? Not for me but for you." Emperor pleaded.
"W-well, I . . ."
"I can leave you alone for awhile if you need to think about it. I'll wait at the same café we used to go to together all the time. Be there before midnight, okay?" Emperor made to leave.
As if compelled by some unforeseen force, Texas lurched in place, grabbing Emperor before he made a full exit. "Wait!" Her fingers dug into one of the penguin's flippers, sinking into the rubbery texture the way one relaxed into a memory foam mattress. Emperor came to a standstill, waiting for her to speak. Had there been any initial surprise from being suddenly tugged back he did not show it, his sunglasses fixated on his beak. The little metal loops in his cap that kept them in place remained steady against against the slight breeze.
"What is it?"
"Emperor. I know what I need to do, I just—" sweating palms and blurred vision were her companions as her tears swam till they leaked out at the corners. The hardest choices shouldn't have to be so painful. But nothing truly worth it in life comes easy. I have to remember that. "I need a moment alone, like you said. So wait for me."
"I already said I will, but I'm glad to know you've made up your mind. It'll be fun working with you Texas."
"I feel the same."
Working with Emperor was going to be a pleasant change. She was happy for the shift in pace, and relieved it was being granted to her in the first place. It was all a matter of timing and pleading to make this happen. And the fact that Houston understands . . . There were several tear jerking good byes to be made before her departure. Like it or not her decision was made. Asking Emperor what she should do was a pointless endeavor, because while the recent events left her lost on what her purpose was, it didn't stop her from making her mind up about what she wanted now. In this moment, leaving was the right choice. The only choice she was willing to make.
And now all that's left . . .
Emperor left her to her devices without another word. Texas was grateful he hadn't pressed her about this final step, this one last thing she had to do before saying farewell. Shakily, she stumbled back up to the railing, retrieving the item weighing down her pocket. The necklace was pristine as ever. It glittered with soft sunlight. Texas eyed it critically, the memories surfacing with its appearance were happy, yet here she just felt those tears dampening her face.
"You're not here to listen, so I'll just say this to the necklace." The small tag with the name inscribed on it —a name that used to run on her tongue like the sweetest molasses— made the sting in her eyes worsen. "When I first met you I know you were lost. There was so much grief in you because of what you went through. And I tried, tried so hard to help. I did my best to be there for you and as you recovered you slowly began to do the same for me."
The wind picked up the pace, twisting the silver band that used to be hung around her neck at all times. The residence it took in her pocket allowed the strands to get tangled, the clasp at the back a tad bent.
"We went through so much together. When I went through my losses you were by my side, something I can never forget. Just like . . . I cannot forget the first time we kissed, nor the first time I called you mine. And I will always remember the day I decided I wanted you in my life forever. We were so young but I was so sure . . . but none of it matters in the end. Because then you changed. You allowed Infection to take over your life. Who knows? Maybe I could've done more, maybe I could've been more supportive, but Emperor makes a good point. Somewhere along the way you and I . . ." Her heart stammered over what she was about to say. Texas swallowed down the agonizing guilt, the betraying hurt bleeding out of her veins with desperate sobs. "Became toxic for one another. That's when things took a turn for the worst. We didn't communicate enough and kept trying to say everything was okay when in reality it wasn't. And that's the real reason why there is no 'us' anymore. And for all I've made in terms of mistakes . . . I will always be sorry for those. I did fail you in some ways, but I can't change the past. I have to move forward."
She raised her clenched fist overhead, craning it back like the trigger of a catapult. This was what she had to do. If she was going to move on completely, removing all traces of their love, of their shared life together was necessary. If she was to move on . . .
And yet . . .
Cold air filtered out of her parted lips as she closed her eyes. The darkness was a blanket of relief, allowing her mind to shut out all else. The memories played like a broken record, a song she knew by heart. Lappland. Smiles, laughter, glee as the two of them stood side by side. The agonized look as she struck her sword at one of those pretty silver eyes. Blood spraying everywhere. Pain and sorrow intermingled with another emotion.
There were so many things Texas knew herself to be capable of. But this wasn't one of them. Texas wolves, alphas mate for life. And maybe she wasn't quite the same as all who came before her but . . . this was a point where she found truth.
So Texas lowered her hand back down, tucking the necklace into her pocket like a secret embedded deep in her very soul. She would move on but the memory remained, come what may there was no running from the past.
So she focused on what she could, walking to the future ahead.
*****
A/N: Whoa! This story has officially reached 15k views! So proud! Thanks guys for enjoying the story. I know this chapter was a bit of a rollercoaster but I hope it explains Texas's thought process back then thoroughly. This concludes The Days of Forgotten Past (but never fear there will be plenty more flashback chapters to come in the second part of this book our favorite white wolf's perspective 😉). Don't forget to comment and vote! See you guys next time!