At first, all she knew was darkness.
It was unescapable, impossible to see anything beside herself and waves upon waves of black. The endless abyss assaulted her on all sides, making Lappland feel totally and utterly lost. She tried to gauge her surroundings, get a sense of the why and how she was here to no avail. Nothing in this place made sense, including herself.
How did I get here?
The more she thought about it, the more it made her head ache.
The less things made sense, the worse the ache became.
"Is anybody out there?" She called out, sitting up. Lying on the ground had been fine at first, cold seeping into her skin, but she grew uncomfortable after a minute. Her back felt an itch at all the goosebumps, the sensation a recent familiarity she couldn't place.
Another minute passed with no response she got up. And that was when she finally noticed it.
In front of her stood a small girl. Her silver eyes were wide and curious, missing the pain and experience of years to come. Her white tail swished out from the opening in her flowing white dress. Little wolf ears swiveled happily, searching for sounds unknown to the older wolf. But it was the smile the girl wore that caught Lappland off guard the most. So happy, so carefree, so innocent.
I haven't been like that since—
No. She wasn't going to finish this trail of thought. The memory of burning screams and lungs filled with ash was never going to stop being heart wrenching, nor was the lingering recollection of the way she'd held her parents close. They'd been dead, slaughtered by people uncaring of their customs and laws. She'd slaughtered every last one of them. Justice paid in full.
"Come with me." Other Lappland said. If she thought anything of the smears of red on Lappland's jacket or the dark shards embedded in her leg, she said nothing, just turned and started walking. Wordlessly, Lappland followed.
If this was a dream she'd best see where it was going.
****
The darkness exploded with light on her second footfall. Landscape altering into an all too familiar place, where things went so wrong. But it wasn't burning now, and the little girl next to her didn't seem to care either way as she strolled right over. She walked up those rickety steps with determination, fingernails dragging up the railing in the slow, subtle way, fingering out the grooves and slotting into the markings made by other wolves who came before.
"Where are you going?" Lappland was hesitant to follow. It had been ages since she'd been to this place, and frankly she was no longer sure she was welcome here.
The little Lappland didn't seem perturbed by her question, only amused. "To see Texas of course. Don't you want to see her?"
She shifted in place. The steps in front of her were covered in the same old white paint. It flecked at the corners, a reminder that nothing lasted forever. How easy it would be to put her feet on those steps again, stride back in like she belonged. But this place doesn't exist anymore. You made sure of that. She didn't start the fire, but if not for her it never would've happened in the first place.
"Well, yes but—"
The little girl wasn't taking no for an answer. Small, delicate fingers latched around Lappland's right wrist. The tug was surprisingly firm despite the obvious difference in strength. Lappland found herself being pulled however reluctantly.
"No buts. You want to see Texas, so you're going."
Well, couldn't argue with that logic.
The steps creaked as they ascended, the sound a familiar echo in her memory. She studiously avoided the panel that was near broken. Houston had stumbled into it one too many times. The porch was the same as ever, but the porch swing that normally rocked lightly with the wind was eerily still. She tried not to think about what that and the glowing golden sword resting on the cushions meant. The left-handed grip spoke of pain without saying a word. Blood pooled at the tip. Lappland could remember the liquid sluicing down to her chin. Absently, she touched the scar over her eye. Her fingertips were free of the it. Something in her settled.
"Come on. We can't sit around. We have to see Texas." Little Lappland was yanking at her again. She didn't let herself be pulled this time, forcing her younger counterpart to actually stay put for a moment.
"Mind telling me what this is."
She gestured to the weapon. Her eyes didn't leave it for a second, like it might disappear if she took her eyes off of it. In a dream like this it just might. In Siracusa, it was a long held belief that dreams happened for a reason. They were meant to tell or teach the dreamer something. She was afraid of what this sword meant, but there was no running from the truth. Her and Texas had been proving this a lot lately.
Little Lapp huffed. "It's her sword silly. Whose else would it be?"
"I didn't mean . . . Why is it here?"
"Oh. That's what you want to ask. I thought you might want to know why it's covered in blood?"
I know why. "Just answer the question please."
Little Lappland let go of her wrist unceremoniously. She walked over to the swing and snatched up the sword carelessly. The blood spilled to the floor before promptly vanishing. Not even a speck of it stained the floor. And the cushion seats dark with it earlier were once again pristine. Only in a dream. Only in a dream.
"It's here because it's waiting for you. You have to give this back to her." Little Lapp explained.
Lappland raised an eyebrow at that. "Give it back to her?" Each word felt strange on her tongue, falling off like broken glass shards from a busted in photo frame.
"Yes silly. Give it back to her."
"But why? It's her sword. I don't own it. And I haven't taken it from her."
"You've taken more from her than you know Lappland."
Her heart stuttered. "I . . . I know."
The small girl in front of her seemed unaware of the inner turmoil. She smiled cheerfully, pressing the hilt into Lappland's left hand. Her fingers curled instinctively around the hilt. The weapon was lighter than one of her protractor style swords, yet the arts infused power in them was arguably deadlier.
"We can make wrongs right as long as we take the right steps." Little Lapp told her seriously.
"As long as we know what the right steps are." How long had it been since she'd heard this affirmation. Her parents had died so early in her life. A black mark on her soul for them to be taken so soon. There was so much she should have learned from them; there was so much she never would learn from them.
"Yes, and giving back that sword is the first step. Letting her know she can use it again."
Lappland couldn't recall ever sounding this serious when she was a child, yet that was exactly how her younger counterpart was acting. This dream really is strange. Something was bothering her, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Voicing her doubts wasn't easy, yet here she felt compelled to do so.
"Why would I need to tell her this?"
"Because she's afraid."
Yet another simple statement, with plenty to interpret.
"Why is she afraid?"
"Some lead by guiding their followers down the right path, but others let their followers find the right path on their own. The Lappland pack chose the latter teaching. Which one did the Texas Pack choose?"
Lappland knew the answer like she knew how to breathe. All those lessons she watched Texas go through under the scrutinizing gaze of Gran. Sure, Texas made plenty of choices of her own volition, but just as many were influenced by those teachings. My parents would've found it strange. Is that what she's getting at? The gold sword glowed in her hand, as if sensing the derision. For those outside of the Texas Pack, those not mated to the bloodline . . .
"The former. They chose the former. Why are we talking about this? It doesn't seem like it has anything to do with fear." Texas has always been so fearless. It's almost an insult to think of her as otherwise. Her gaze narrowed as the light of the weapon in her hand pulsed. Why? Why was it doing that? It shouldn't be doing that. Maybe in this world of dreams the logic of the real world evaded perceptions. Or maybe . . .
No. She'd be foolish to hope.
"The choices we make are our own at the end of the day, but it's important to remember we are only as good as we can be. Not always will we be right."
Little Lapp walked over to the door and turned the knob. It popped open with ease, minus the small gust which usually followed. She beckoned for Lappland to follow her inside. Warily, she did so, every creak in the old floorboards a familiar song, though this time the eerie chill she got with it gave her a cold sweat.
"So where is Texa—"
This wasn't the entryway at all.
No.
Little Lappland wasn't here, couldn't be in a place like this where she would make no sense.
This was a musty bar. The sour tang of whiskey riddled the patrons there. Some were partying around the jazz band in the corner, others were flirting with strippers dressed in promiscuous clothing, while others were seated at the bar. These drunkards at the stools were regulars here, raving about the same old same old problems to a bartender who'd clearly heard it all a thousand times before. But there was one difference at the bar that night, or maybe two. She saw herself sitting in the midst of it all. There would be no unloading her problems to anyone, just stewing in the silence of false anger. Though she hadn't known it was false then, hadn't known the mistake she was about to make as that hooded figure walked over and asked an oh so simple question. Her drunken, sorrowful, angered mind had been all too easy to whip into a desperate frenzy. And this stranger had taken a moment of weakness, used it as an opportunity.
"Do you want Texas back?"
"Yes."
"And what will you do to have her back?"
"Anything."
"I have a way to help you, all you need do is say the word."
"I don't wanna hurt her. I don't wanna hurt Texas, just make her understand the world isn't a safe place yet. The Texas Pack lands still need us to protect if from Infected and criminals." Alcohol slurred her tone.
"Oh, but of course."
But it hadn't been of course. It had all been a lie.
"I love Texas. I can't . . . I can't live without her."
The hooded figure had chuckled then, the wheezing sound a faded spark to the brain. The eyes staring at her were all she had seen under the hood. She knew them . . . but from where? And what was the purpose of this?
She'd been too late to catch motive. Too stupid to figure it out then.
But surely she could change it now.
And when he leaned in to the other her, husky breath from chapped lips ghosting over the shell of other her's ear Lappland opened her mouth and screamed like she had once before, that day when her parents were murdered. It was an inhuman sound. No civilized wolf would make this noise. Primality at its finest.
"No! Stop It!"
But no one in this scene stopped the course of her actions. It played out like a bad horror film where you knew when the protagonist was going to stupidly die and no amount of pleading at them through the screen was sufficient warning. Because this warning that could not be heard would always go unnoticed even to the most studious of ears. And her trying to grab other Lappland was another failed effort even as she knocked aside past patrons to get to her. The second she touched other Lappland the world reverted back to a state of darkness.
And then she was falling.
Falling inside the black.
Her voice was hoarse, eyes tearing from the present wind as the scene vanished from view. The last thing she saw was the smirk on the stranger's face. The deal had been made. There was no fixing her faults. Not that one at least.
"Texas, I'm sorry."
****
Someone should've told her to stick the landing.
Lappland tumbled to the cold ground in a heap, her limbs tangling together as the world seemed to spin. The grass was frigid, clumps of it frosted over. This ice was normal. Lappland used the sensation to ground her as she curled back in on herself. Her heartbeat was returning to a decent speed and yet everything else seemed strange. Her skin tingled with a strange sensation —a mix of tension and grief— that she couldn't explain.
Still, silver eyes found themselves fluttering open.
And then promptly wished they hadn't.
Another scene was playing out.
Texas, her golden sword striking out at the one person it never should've had to.
"I never want to see you again."
"W-what?" Lappland asked, words dry and scratchy.
"You heard me! I never want to see you again so get out of my sight!"
Other Lappland recoiling from the anguished shouting. Gran's dying body cradled in Texas's arms was as limp as she remembered. But when all was said and done Lappland was left alone with Texas, the same as ever. She rolled back into a crouching position. The woman in front of her was as stiff as when they'd first been reunited. Bicolored eyes bore into her like sharp knives capable of cutting up her very soul. Lappland tried not to flinch under that gaze, but it was a losing battle. She looked down at the grass and tried to keep her voice level.
"Texas?"
She hated how weak she sounded. Didn't know what to do about the weapon she carried. What did little Lappland expect her to do about it? Do I just give it to her? Do I need to say something so she'll take it from me? The questions served to cause an ache in her skull, moving in time with the rumbling uncertainty in her gut. Wolves were creatures of instinct. Lappland was proud of this fact, proud of how she knew how to react in battle at just the right moment. But right here, right now with Texas in front of her, she couldn't feel more uncertain.
"You left me."
And there it was, the voice she knew as well as her own.
Lappland clenched the hilt tighter. Her weapons were tucked in their sheathes. Texas was wearing one of her swords, but she didn't seem to have less of a presence because of it. From an outsider's perspective, nothing would have seemed out of place. The trees around them swayed with the breeze, the metal chains of the nearby swing set groaned. She and Texas had played on it when they were young. Years had passed and with it so had their childhood. What a shame they both lost so much then. But they'd had each other, which was more than many on Terra could say.
"I thought you didn't want me to stay." Lappland admitted, her head remaining lowered. She didn't need to look up to receive a disappointed, angry scowl. This dream was void of falsehoods; behaviors made to keep feelings out of the picture were effectively removed.
So when two firm fingers crooked under chin to force her gaze up, Lappland went willingly. Texas's mouth was a thin line, wolf ears twitching. "I never said that."
"But you did Texas. You have to know you did." She knew desperation tinged the hoarse reply. Her face was growing warm.
Texas kept icy. "What I meant then was under the circumstances."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I thought you were out for revenge. I thought you had those men attack my home on purpose. I thought . . ." You killed Gran. The last line was there without being said. Lappland swallowed the shame of that day. Despair should not be allowed to rule your heart. She had let it run its course, and look what it had taken from them.
"I know. So I agree. You shouldn't want me. I'll only hurt you."
"No."
"No. What do you mean no? Surely you can see how bad I am for you Texas. I'm toxic." So I don't need to be the one to dissuade your fears.
But little Lappland had said otherwise. She needed to see this through.
"You weren't bad for me, you were never bad for me. Not deep down. You were hurting, and I didn't know how to help you then," Texas said.
Lappland squeezed her eyes tightly shut. Removing the ability to see made the sounds of Texas's breathing that much louder. When had she started to hold her breath? The tell-tale sign of the need to breathe reared its head. She took a small gulp, trying to quell her rapidly beating heart's tempo.
"And you do now? Is that it? I'm not someone you can save Texas."
Infection had no cure.
In the forest, by her lonesome, Lappland had realized the shortened length of her existence.
How she didn't want to spend the rest of it alone.
But if the one she loved most didn't want her, that was the fate she was destined for.
Because like it or not she was tired of trying to force things on Texas. It had been the wrong of course of action last time. She'd been too wrapped up in her anger to realize before.
Warmth encompassed her right hand. It was gracefully swept up, pressed against a core of surprising heat. Despite the icy regard Texas treated others with, in the end she was cozy at heart. As sweet as molasses and the chocolate pocky sticks she treasured.
"Well, it's a good thing I don't have to save you then."
Her eyes opened. "What do you—"
"Lappland. I've seen you come back from the brink of death itself. You survived so much pain and suffering, so I can say with absolute certainty you can get through this too. No if, ands, or buts either, because I won't be hosting any objections. I believe in you Lappland. More than you know."
There was a dampness on her face. She tried grounding herself in the other heartbeat, in the watery smile Texas was giving her. A genuine smile was best; this smile was best. She didn't know if what Texas said was true but . . . she wanted to believe.
"What about you Texas? Are you able to overcome your fears?"
Texas frowned. Lappland regretted the question instantly. She hated the way the brimming smile with all its light and warmth cowed away, scared off like a squirrel would be from a loud alarm. "I . . . I don't know. You tell me."
"I don't understand why you're afraid Texas. You're an alpha—"
"Meant to be one of the bravest wolves in all the Pack Lands. Yes, I know. My heritage may as well be branded into my skin. It's certainly embedded in my hair." Texas's free hand -her left hand- pushed a stray lock of dark hair away from her eyes. The end of it was a reddish hue. It was barely noticeable, unlike her tail that was a nice spectrum of black and blue and red.
"Then why?"
Texas shook her head, an air of forlorn despair cracking her words. "I'm afraid because I've failed. I wasn't good enough back then. Whose to say I'll be good enough now?"
Lappland still was boggled. She knew what Texas might've been thinking about, what was likely driving her to think this way. Texas took far too many things to heart. She shouldered responsibilities that were in no uncertain terms someone else's or simply out of all hands. Not a mind reader, or a god, there was no possibility Texas would be able to solve everything. The world wasn't black and white for a reason. It came in shades of gray. They all came in shades of gray. All anyone could do was try their best to do what was right in the end.
"Texas. You have always been good enough. You have always done whatever you could. Anything that went wrong, all the bad things in the past, are exactly that. Bad things. They weren't stuff we could avoid. And you did what you could to improve the situation regardless. You should feel no shame for self-perceived faults, because that's all they are in the end: self-perceived."
"But I . . . I let them down. I left them. I left them all." Texas had tears falling down her face, the trails like silken streams.
"If you left them then so did I."
Texas snorted, eyes flashing bitterly. "That doesn't make me feel better Lappland."
"Why? Are you saying me leaving isn't as bad?"
Texas sighed. "No. It's just, it's just . . . it's my responsibility to take care of them. You helped a lot, but it wasn't your mandate. You weren't meant to lead since birth."
The responsibility was crushing Texas; Lappland's heart ached.
"Texas . . . you shouldn't blame yourself. You can't hold yourself to such expectations."
"But it's what I have to do. What I'm supposed to do. I-I don't know how to make things better anymore. I feel like even if I went back that wouldn't solve anything, so I haven't bothered." Texas lowered her gaze. That wouldn't do. Lappland reached out, placing a hand on the slightly smaller wolf's shoulder. The squeeze was firm, filled with all the reassurance she hoped she could provide.
"Its okay if you don't know Texas. It's alright to be uncertain. Everyone is at some point. No one thinks less of you."
"Maybe, but I think less of myself." Texas murmured.
Her tail swished behind her, beating at empty air. "Well then you're an idiot."
"Lappland." A growled name. "Now isn't the time for teasing."
Lappland chuckled, mirth embedded inside. "I know and I'm not trying to. But it's like you told me Texas: you're the bravest person I know. I don't blame you for the past mistakes anymore than I blame you for the present ones. We can only do our best with the life we are given. And like it or not, you've done exactly that."
"Even though I hurt you?"
"Especially because you hurt me. I was out of control Texas. Even if I didn't do the horrible thing you thought I did, it doesn't change how I was out of my mind. This scar," she pointed at her eye. "helped me come back to myself. Thanks to you I got my sanity back."
"Really?"
"Yes really. I can only hope you'll forgive me for everything I've done. And that you'll take this back." She waved the golden sword in her hand experimentally. It was lightweight in comparison to her own, the power inside it worlds different. "Because you don't need to be afraid of failing, not when I know you'll make the best choice you can. You may have left the Pack lands, but there's no one else I'd want to be my alpha." Maybe that last line was a tad selfish of her, she was supposed to be helping Texas, not fueling her agenda. Yet it still felt good to get it out there, the innermost weavings of her soul.
"I," Texas swallowed. Both of them probably looked ridiculous, crying over past sins, missed time together. "Thank you Lappland."
"Don't thank me. You don't need to thank me. Just take this and do what you do best."
The sword was passed off in one fluid motion. She'd be lying if she said she didn't miss the weight it carried. Yet giving it to its rightful owner was for the best.
"Okay."
The scenery changed once more, reverting to a scene Lappland knew she wasn't really there for but it was something she needed to watch all the same. Texas was facing off against FrostNova, bicolored eyes blazing with all the intensity she possessed.
And when she pulled out that second sword and the world turned gold, in that beautiful moment of battle and wonder . . .
Lappland knew everything would be okay.
Knew even as consciousness slipped her mind once more that they would find their way back.
******
A/N: Did I initially plan to write this? No. But looking at it now makes me super happy, especially since I know what comes next. Let me know what y'all think in the comments, and don't forget to vote! Until next time.
Oh! And wish me luck with exams! I wish you guys the best of luck too!