A/N: So what was supposed to be a simple discussion turned into this long winded chapter filled to the brim with emotion, angst, caring and comfort. I can't say I'm not pleased with the result. Let me know what y'all think.
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It was pitch black save for the city lights when Lappland, Texas and the others piled into the PL van. She looked out the window to see the criminals being hauled forcibly into police cars by the LGD. Swire was with them, barking orders out like no one's business. While she wasn't a van of the loud sirens by any means, the atmosphere in the van was anything but pleasant. Exusiai and Croissant behaved like she expected: tired and happy for another job well done, so it wasn't those two that brought out a sense of worry. Texas had refused to look at Sora ever since the pair had joined as reinforcements earlier. The air between them was so brittle it could have cracked. Lappland didn't know what to think of this, and judging by the way Exusiai and Croissant were frowning worriedly —about time they picked up on the tension the pair were sharing— it was nothing good.
"I never thought wolves would get so angry about something like this. Maybe they had too much moonshine? You know, cause they're wolves and a few of them acted drunk . . . I'll stop now." Croissant said with a sigh.
Exusiai's halo was a gold circular beam midair, it stayed out regardless of how many times she shifted in one stop. The seat belt rankled at her blood stained white t-shirt. Texas had dutifully checked her partner over for injuries the second she'd seen it, but the Sankta had truthfully assured that the blood was not her own.
"It's too bad the concert was cut short. I know you were planning to play a new song at the end." Exusiai told Sora.
Sora shrugged. "Yeah. I guess. I suppose it would've been a waste anyways." Forlorn amber eyes were flickering over to Texas. The dark haired wolf kept her focus on the road. She couldn't fool her though. Lappland knew she had to be aware of the stares sent her way. An alpha is always aware. And Texas is an alpha, no matter how she begs to differ.
"How so?" She asked.
The other members of PL, aside from Texas, turned to shoot her questioning looks. It was as if they were surprised to see her taking any interest in Sora's career at all. And to be fair, she supposed they had a point. The sole interaction she had with the pretend wolf had ended badly. They likely weren't in the mood for a repeat performance, not all covered in dirt and grime with would likely be sleep deprivation rearing it's ugly head the next day.
"What? I'm just curious to know why."
Sora shook her head tiredly. "It just wouldn't. That song, it was meant for someone important to me, someone I felt things deeply for. But-but they don't return my feelings."
Oh.
It was as if a lightbulb went off in her head. During the battle, Lappland had kept Texas in her periphery almost the entire time. So she had seen Sora getting close to Texas, seen the dark haired woman help the idol up onto her feet. Had seen what appeared to be Sora inching closer . . . but that had been all. Suddenly, she was glad to not have seen more. If Sora had confessed at such a horrible time and done something Texas would not have wanted . . .She better not have. The thought made her stomach roil with an almost toxic bile.
A growl rumbled. It took her a moment to realize where it came from.
Texas's grip on the steering wheel tightened, white knuckles made more pale by a shaft of moonlight pouring in through the windows. The buildings they zoomed by were lit with neon sings and reflective cords to attract customers like moths to flame. "Well, I guess that's unfortunate. For future reference though, might I suggest not posing a confession when we're in the midst of a battle."
"Wait. What!? That's what happened." Croissant's shock went ignored as the conversation continued its heated path. The air conditioning brushed over her wolf ears yet the atmosphere of the van felt anything but cool.
"Would it have made any difference?" Sora asked. She seemed to still be trying to seek out Texas's gaze. Lappland didn't need to say how much of a fool's errand that would be. If Texas didn't want to look at Sora she would not. It was that simple.
"No."
"Then why should the timing matter then?"
Texas bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. The faint metallic scent of it penetrated Lappland's nose and stirred up something at her core. For once it wasn't the bloodlust that's made her go crazy. This emotion, pinched tight like a compacted spine . . . what was it? Worry? Sadness? A desire to hold? A desire to protect? So many feelings she had feared the infection inevitably was going to take from her as she devolved into a wild beast. Those were her worst nightmares. The dark shards on her leg stood out against her pale skin. They whispered pain and suffering, both past and yet to come.
"Don't. Don't go there Sora."
"But I thought you wanted to—"
"We will talk." Texas grunted. "But not now. So quiet."
Yes Alpha.
"Okay."
Sora's jaw snapped shut. Even a non-wolf could detect a clear order like that one. So much for not being an alpha, huh, Texas? But now she understood exactly why Texas was behaving this way. The other saw herself as a failure. Such a mind boggling concept to Lappland, but the more she thought about it the more she understood the why Texas would feel this way. And it broke her heart. Here she was, thinking the biggest problem Texas had was in concerns to her. Truth be told, the two did have several issues to be resolved, but their problems were not what had caused Texas to become so vastly different, were not the full catalyst of change.
That would be something beyond even Lappland's capabilities. Because while Texas probably didn't think so, Lappland knew her alpha was strong. She just had to get Texas to realize that, to realize how what happened in the past was not her fault. This would be easier said than done. Explanations were not her strong suit, fighting was. She couldn't exactly fight the truth into Texas however, which left her back at square one.
If it had been anyone else from back in the old days they would've known what to say.
But Lappland wasn't them and never would be.
Ugh. Why does life have to be so complicated?
No one said a word for the rest of the ride back to PL headquarters. It was as if Texas's command shoved away the ability to speak, leaving everyone transfixed in a quiet game with no winner in sight. Lappland stared out the window, thinking of what to say and how she could say it. The world passed by in a blur of building shadows and artificial lights that made her eyes burn.
****
It was likely past midnight by the time the girls arrived home. Emperor wasn't waiting to greet them when they got back, the boss leaving a note saying he was out for the night and wouldn't be back until dawn. Which was fine by Texas. Explaining the catastrophe at the concert was going to take longer than she was willing to stay awake. She already had one headache to deal with and planned to get it over with as soon as possible.
"Everyone, get some rest. We'll reconvene for breakfast tomorrow." She murmured.
Exusiai nodded and Croissant let out a yawn. Lappland watched her with sleepy eyes, silver remaining bright despite the glazed look to them. "Fair enough," Croissant murmured. "I'm gonna hit the hay."
Lappland frowned. "The hay?"
Exusiai waved a hand idly. "Just an expression Lappland, not actual hay."
"Oh. I see."
Texas had a feeling Lappland was still confused, but decided not to press the issue. Amber eyes were boring into her, not as bright as the the halo the woman wore but just as persistent. Sliding a hand down to her weapons belt, she pulled the sword up just a few inches, a message of "I'm fine. Don't worry" passing with it. Exusiai bit her lip, nodding, though she could still sense the doubt emanating from her partner as she trailed behind Croissant to the elevator.
"Should I go?" Lappland asked.
Sora frowned. "Why're you asking Texas? You don't need permission to leave."
Lappland ignored Sora and kept looking at Texas for confirmation. Judging by the way Lappland was working her jaw, teeth gritting, she didn't want to leave. The fact that she was asking in the first place showed a quality she hadn't expected to see. Respecting space wasn't a common sight.
"It's okay. I'll see you in the morning. If you need me, just call."
A lazy grin. "I might just take you up on that." Lappland sauntered away, glaring at Sora on her way out the door. She could sense how triumphant the other Lupo felt; Texas rolled her eyes at the blatant display. The elevator doors swished open and closed. And then it was just Sora and Texas alone.
The space between them had never felt so cold.
Sighing, Texas walked over to the couch and plopped down. The lobby room couches were nowhere near as comfortable compared to the ones in the lounge and Emperor's office, but it would do. The suede material itched at her bare arms, catching on the bandage on her wrist where some lucky sucker had managed to scratch her. Blood had seeped through the first set of bandages. Her wrist felt restrained with the second set. If she'd only been using both swords today such a wound would have not occurred. But you know why you can't. After what you almost did with that hand . . .
Blood spraying from the slash of a golden blade. A gasp as red dipped into silver eyes.
Her heart ached painfully at the memory. And it was even worse now, with what she knew.
If only she had known then, perhaps things would've been different.
But the more things are different the more they remain the same. Lappland may not have been responsible for that but, she did set the ball rolling. And then there was her behavior back then. Gran was so certain I made the right choice. Why can't I be as confident?
"Texas? Texas, you're spacing out."
Her attention snapped back to the present. At some point Sora had joined her on the couch. The blonde sat on the other end with an air of caution. Her hands were kneading at the ruffles of her skirt, disguised ears twitching. The triangular ears were erect as ever, but it didn't take much for Texas to picture what Sora's true ears looked like. They were undoubtedly curled down, plastered against her skull as they trembled with an air of knowing just how bad things had went tonight.
"I know I was. Sorry about that. Just got some things on my mind."
There was no point in being dishonest. She was too tired for lies anyways. Her clothes felt sweaty and bloodstained, her tail grimy with dirt. The spray meant to keep her fur dark and sleek was likely wearing off. Red fur was becoming visible once more. Sleep would be an easier alternative than talking it out, but Texas knew her mind wouldn't rest unless she settled things with Sora. When did things get so complicated?
"Oh. We're you thinking about me?" Why did the other sound so hopeful? Even after everything, did she not understand Texas held no inclination towards her outside of friendship? It felt like a cruel blow to both of them for her to have to repeat herself.
"No." She kept her voice firm, leaving no room for doubt. Because if you gave someone an inch they would take a mile. And even though Sora was sweet and good in a way she could not hope to be, Texas wasn't about to give her either.
"O-oh. I guess that's not surprising."
"It shouldn't be," Texas said. "You're lucky I've agreed to talk about this now."
"Lucky?" Sora frowned. There was hurt etched onto her expression. A heavy frown and the reminiscent stain of tear tracks.
Texas resisted the urge to growl. She was just so tired at this point. It was a bone weariness she seemed unable to rid herself of. First Lappland coming back, then everyone worrying over her, and now this. She didn't want things between her and Sora to grow hostile, but at the rate this was going it may be impossible to avoid.
"Well you weren't exactly considerate in your timing. How long have you liked me Sora?" Might as well get that out in the open.
"I wanted to tell you before but . . . there was never a right time and, well, I'm really sorry Texas." Sora murmured.
"I know you are, and I'm sorry too."
Sora blinked, confusion clear in her eyes. "What are you sorry for?"
"Seeing as you didn't answer my question my guess is you've liked me for some time. I-I should've known. I'm a . . . I'm supposed to be observant." Thankfully Lappland wasn't here for her slip up. She couldn't handle that hopeful look tonight.
"Well, you're right that I've liked you for some time, but you're wrong in saying it's your fault for not knowing about it. I hid it from you as best I could."
Texas huffed out a dry chuckle. "So if I ask Exusiai and Croissant they won't know anything about it? I'm not that dense Sora."
Sora sighed. "I'm sure they would have picked up on it had I not told them beforehand."
Suddenly more things were starting to make sense. Her stomach flipped at the knowledge. All this time and they knew. How do I feel about that? A part of her understood the secrecy, understood Exusiai and Croissant only wanted to keep everyone happy and tight knit as they'd always been. Change could bring good and bad in equal measure. None of them wanted the latter.
"I see. So they've lied to me." Texas murmured.
"Please don't be mad at them Texas. They were the ones who kept telling me to tell you. If anything, if it had been up to them I would have told you a long time ago." Sora explained. Even when she was upset, the idol still sought to protect her friends. It was a quality to be admired.
"I figured as much. So I'm not mad at them. In fact, I'm not mad with anyone really."
"Really? What about Lappland? What about me?"
Texas frowned. "What about Lappland? She had nothing to do with this at all."
Sora wrinkled her nose, letting out a sneeze. Texas reached over behind her to the tissue box sitting on the glass side table. Sora accepted the tissue gratefully, rubbing at her nose before balling up the small sheet in her left hand.
"I know. That's not what I meant."
"Yes, well, it doesn't matter what you meant, the fact that you brought it up in the first place means you assume it's your business to know what goes on between the two of us. And as for you, I'm not mad at you, but I am disappointed." At Sora's distraught expression she continued quickly. "Not because of your confession, but because of the when you decided to confess. When your life is endanger keeping safe needs to be first priority. Understand? You're irreplaceable Sora, don't forget that."
"I-I do."
"Good. I'm sorry I don't feel the same way Sora. I really am. In a different life, you and I would be good for each other."
Texas meant what she said. Sora would be good for her. Caring, supporting, loving, everything Texas wanted but didn't deserve. And that was the real problem wasn't it? Her darkness attracted the brightest of people. She didn't belong beside them, not when she was so damaged, so lost in herself. She couldn't even face her past, even though she told the Rhodes Islanders who asked that she would be perfectly capable of doing so. But that was just a lie, wasn't it? Texas hardly felt capable.
"I'm sensing there's a but involved . . ." Sora trailed off. The balled up tissue paper was becoming increasingly shredded. A few pieces drifted down to the couch cushion, clinging to it like wayward lint.
"Yes there is, but never mind that. We've both had a long day so I think it's about time we got some rest," Texas said.
"Texas . . . You didn't answer my question." Sora murmured.
She resisted the urge to reply back with something nasty to shut the other up. Her patience was as brittle as ice. Footsteps had clunked around on the pliant surface, wearing it down to the thinnest of layers. How it managed to hold up with all the weight bearing upon it was a mystery that boggled even her. Perhaps it really was a fight between exhaustion and anger. The two were at wits end with each other, the tug of war rope pulled taught to the point of breaking. Exhaustion, while not a formidable sounding enemy in name, tended to win out every time she had an argument as of late.
"Maybe that's because I don't feel like offering one. Like I've said before, it's none of your business. None of theirs either. I'm allowed to keep my past as private as I'd like."
Texas wasn't a fan of giving up —at least not the old version of her— but the new her had learned to be complacent, to accept some things were unchangeable despite best efforts. Another wolf would sneer at the coward she'd become. Said wolf was upstairs, probably taking a shower before passing out in the comfy confines of her bed. Texas allowed herself to picture it: Lappland snuggly nestled beneath all the blankets, snoozing soundly. Her sleep habits were one thing that had not changed as long as the two had known one another. Pale hands wrap around the nearest object —or person— pulling them into a warm hug. The embrace was oh so cozy. A part of her sighed at the memory of it.
"But I wasn't asking about your past though, not that I don't want to, I just wasn't here. I want to know why you don't think we'd be good for each other here. I-is it because of Lappland?"
Texas growled, gritting her teeth. She had been so close to getting up and leaving. So freaking close, but life had no plans to cut her suffering short. "What's with you bringing her up all the time? I get you don't like her, and I'm sorry you have to interact with her but there's nothing I can do about that." When Emperor makes his mind up there's no changing it.
"I, we don't get along sure but I'm not getting at my relationship with Lappland."
"Then what are you saying?" Texas asked.
She had a feeling she would regret asking, but somewhere deep inside her felt compelled to do so anyways. Like Texas had to know what Sora wanted to say, needed it as desperately as she needed air. Maybe it was true what they say, that sometimes others can see you better than you yourself can. Others can reveal the truth about you that you try so desperately to ignore.
"I'm talking about you. You and Lappland. You- Texas, you love Lappland, don't you? After everything she's done to you in a past you refuse to talk about, you still love her. Why? Why do you still care about her after all these years? Shouldn't you have moved on? Shouldn't you have forgotten how to love someone who must've treated you so awfully?" Sora was asking. Texas felt frozen in place, her heart pounding so rapidly it felt fit to bursting out of her chest and making a run for the hills. Her lungs burned and the perfectly normal lights in the lobby seemed to flicker in her mind, or perhaps that was just her vision dimming. Nothing about this situation felt right anymore. Every second she spent here was wasted air. It escaped her lungs and didn't return, leaving behind a lightheaded sensation that kept those treacherous words from claiming her heart in full.
It wasn't until Sora reached out to touch her shoulder that Texas truly gave a reaction.
A snarl tore from her lips as she whirled on the blonde. Teeth bared at the bunny idol, she let loose the pent up rage in her heart, watched as Sora gasped in shock at the wretched sounding words tumbling out of her mouth. Here and now, this primal side of her surfacing in a way it never had before, Texas felt fueled by a raging fire. It burned where only ice had been for years.
It was tired of being snuffed out.
"Don't you dare speak of that which you do not know! Don't you dare!"
"T-Texas," Sora was gaping. Texas could only imagine the savage display she must be putting on, and found a normally distant part of herself purring happily at the thought.
"You should apologize for prying. Do it now!"
Sora's eyes were still wide with shock, but she was rapidly nodding. "I-I'm sorry Texas!"
"Good. You better be." The affirmation seemed to be the needed step to get Texas to lower her voice and quell the burning rage. Such a thing could not be given free reign for too long, lest it destroy all the principles she held sacred. An alpha voice was not to be trifled with, not to be used with lighthearted intentions.
But here she was, using a voice that never should have been used for something like this. A voice she'd forgotten she ever even had in the first place. Because Texas had never become the official alpha, had she? Young, in grief and afraid, she had run away from the only world that had ever loved her. Run to the unknown in the rest of the world looking for shelter.
"I don't mean to upset you Texas. I-I've never wanted to hurt you."
But you did and you know it. You claim not to be like her but look what you did.
Why did love have to cause such pain?
"I know you didn't."
Her shoulders loosed the tension building up as she let out a sigh. Sora was a lot of things, but an intentional backstabber wasn't one of them. With a tired, but clear mind she realized just how far she had gone with this conversation, how deep feelings buried at her core were forcibly dredged up. If people were like dolls with hundreds of layers encased within, she supposed today had undone several of her own. What was inside had not been seen in years, had expected to continue remaining hidden until it was an obscure memory like so many other things.
"So we're okay?" Sora asked timidly.
Texas smiled tiredly. "Yes. We're okay. I don't want us to stop being friends. Do you?"
"Of course not!" Sora was indignant.
"Good. I'm glad."
She rose to leave. Her feet felt like they dragged on the floor with each step as bone weariness became apparent once again. Her eyes were hooded, ears pressed against her skull while her tail remained fitfully limp. That sensation one got whenever their limbs were falling asleep was clinging to her left arm. At some point it had went numb. Contemplation brought back old wounds, memories of the past when she wielded more than one blade. How nice it would be to dual wield again. At least, that's what the hopeful part of her imagined. Reality came later in its clashing crusade, waves bounding to the shore to drown the lizard that stubbornly tried to swim.
"Texas . . ."
Why can't she leave it alone? I suppose I have to answer her.
Texas stopped at the elevator, pressing the panel. The light lit a dingy gold before she breathed out a response. If Sora wanted answers she was going to get them. Texas wasn't about to let this conversation persist further than it already had. Valuable sleeping time was at stake here.
"Your question about Lappland . . . the truth is, I don't know why I still care about her. You're right that she's done a lot of wrong in the past, but I guess I just can't look at her like that. I can't see her as her wrongs alone. She . . .she's so much more than her mistakes, we all are." It felt strange to admit that when so many of her decisions had come from her own weakness. She wasn't fit to be an alpha, no matter what Lappland thought.
Sora's footsteps sounded behind her. Texas closed her eyes, smelling as the bunny approached, only stopping once they were side by side. "We all do make mistakes I suppose. I know I made one today."
Texas shook her head. "Trust me when I say a badly timed confession is a far cry from the worst thing anyone could have done. You don't need to be so hard on yourself."
Sora nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. "The same goes for you too Texas."
"Bold of you to assume my mistakes are possible to forgive. I deal out punishment where it's needed, no more no less," Texas said. The elevator doors swung open, the empty space inviting the pair inside with its reflective metal walls and button panels waiting to be pressed.
"Yes, but there's something you're forgetting Texas."
"Hmm? And what's that?" She was only half listening as she got into the elevator.
"That we're often the most hardest on ourselves. And, um, another thing. Please don't get upset when I say this."
Texas sighed. "What?"
"That reason why you still care about Lappland . . . it's because you love her."
The elevator doors swung shut, locking up the same way Texas's face did. She clenched her jaw, unsure of how to respond. There would be no rebuttal, not when those words yanked at the strings of her heart in an endless tirade.
So the elevator ride continued on in silence until the doors opened again and the Texas and Sora departed to their rooms for the night, bidding each other goodbye.
Had she not been so tired, Texas would have stared at the ceiling of her bedroom for hours, contemplating what Sora had said. But sleep came quickly that night. The world faded to black as she settled into bed, taking her dreams and worries with it.