It's been another week and Christmas is here. We're doing dinner at the Travers house but I didn't think it would be a wise idea if I went because I'm such shit at hiding my emotions. I knew the moment I saw Rae what had transpired between us would probably be all over my face. But then I assumed it would look even worse if I didn't show up.
Rae and I had made love not just once, but several more times before she left. She had laid in my arms and nothing had ever felt so right in my life. She belonged in my arms, not another mans, but she'd eventually had to leave and watching her go had made my heart hurt. But the feeling of hurt inside my chest wasn't unfamiliar when it came to Rae.
I'd spoken to Rae on the phone much later that night after she'd left my bed. Her voice had made my heart swell and also pained me, it was the most masochistic of sensations. It hurt but hearing her voice made me feel like I was falling in love with her all over again.
She'd told me she didn't tell Liam, that she wasn't going to tell him. When I hadn't responded she'd told me that she was going to but didn't want to tell Liam right before the holiday. Which I then understood, especially because she didn't want to ruin Jamie's first Christmas in Boston. That I definitely didn't want either.
That led to a week of only texting her, no other communication. I'd wanted to hold her, have her in my arms after being with her intimately again. She'd felt so good, just like I'd remembered. She's my person, the one that can make me feel things no one else can regardless of all the bullshit that's gone on between us.
So, tonight I'd pulled up to the house feeling the absolute dread flow through me. I knew having to watch Liam be husband to the woman I'd had cradled in my arms just a few days ago would just about fucking kill me. Yeah, Merry fucking Christmas to me.
Once I'd gone inside I'd been greeted by my father. He had given me a sad smile because I knew he knew. He always knows. I'd said hello to everyone else and watched as Rae took pictures in front of the family Christmas tree with Liam and Jamie. That moment is one I'd turned my back on and headed directly over to the whiskey for some liquid relief.
Everything seemed to be going seamlessly until dinner time. I'd studiously ignored Rae for the most part and she did the same with me. We'd kept our distance from one another, me making sure I didn't let my eyes linger on her for to long or longingly.
I'd played with Jamie a bit, but not much, also keeping my distance from him as well. He was too busy with Amelia anyway and I'd honestly been grateful for that fact because I could feel Liam's irritated glare on me any time I was near him or Rae. His resentment of me was practically palpable whenever we were in close proximity.
Our careful distance and Rae's plan to wait to tell Liam until after Christmas went to shit at dinner time. We'd all been making casual conversation when out of nowhere Liam asked Mr. Travers what he did last weekend. When Darren had said that he hadn't done much because he'd been swamped with a project at work, Liam had taken that opportunity to say it must've been nice to have Rae stay with them. When Darren had scrunched his brow in confusion I looked directly at Rae, who looked directly at me. We should've looked anywhere but at each other because the next moment I looked at Liam and you could tell he knew. He knew she was with me and I'd gather he knew I'd fucked his wife.
The look on his face had been absolutely murderous. If we all weren't sitting at Christmas dinner I'm sure he would've launched himself across the table at me. I'd probably have had a steak knife plunged directly into what holds his wife's true affection; my heart.
Rhys had quickly changed the topic to hockey which I had been seriously grateful for. Christmas dinner was definitely not the time nor the place to accuse a man of fucking your wife but you could tell Liam wanted to. Although he may have wanted to, he didn't. No, he stayed quiet for the rest of dinner, not saying a single word to anyone.
I'd joined in a bit on the topic of hockey but when I'd found my father's eyes you could see the irritation. It would appear that the majority of the people at this table knew or at least had an inkling Rae and I had been together and not just platonically. My father looked like he knew specifically how we'd been together.
So, after that long and awkward meal, I'm standing outside on the back porch, looking into the woods aimlessly. I couldn't be inside anymore, the tension was just too much for me. I wanted to take Rae in my arms but the reality of that happening was not a reality at all. The more I'd seen her with Jamie too the more I'd felt like such a dick for potentially fucking up that kid's future.
"Hey," I hear Rae's voice come up behind me and say. "So," she blows out a long breath, "that couldn't have been anymore awkward." She comes up and leans on the railing, looking into the backyard as well.
"Your husband isn't stupid." I deadpan. "He looked like he knew exactly what happened between us. Then that shit at dinner time." I shake my head at her and sigh.
"Trust me, I know." She blows out another long, frustrated breath. "It's going to be an interesting car ride home. He's already told Jamie that he'll be riding with Uncle Rhys on the way home. Which should give him some alone time to grill me about what happened the other night. He's already done it several times but at least this time I can be honest."
"What are you going to tell him?" I look down at her and she looks back at me with a scared, sad grimace.
"I'm going to tell him everything."
"Seriously?" I can't imagine being on the receiving end of that conversation. If I was Liam I'd be devastated. Then again he'd already screamed at her for doing what she'd now actually done.
"I find it's better to just be honest. He's already going to assume you and I slept together just like he already had." She sighs. "It's not like it's going to be some big surprise at this point. And I'm pretty positive he's fucking Sasha."
"Fucking Sasha?" Who the fuck is that?
"His secretary. She looks like I did a decade ago, go figure."
"You never told me you thought he was cheating on you." I furrow my brow at the thought of ever cheating on Rae. I could barely even sleep with anyone else without uttering her name for the longest time.
She shrugs, "I'm a stay at home mom. We never have sex anymore. Why wouldn't he cheat on me?" She said the words so blasé, like that's how marriage is supposed to work.
"I'd never cheat on you, Raegan."
"You say that but..."
"No buts. I wouldn't. I may cheat with you but I'd never cheat on you."
"It's what happened with my parents. It happens to a lot of people, Seth." She's shaking her head like it's just an inevitability.
"Rae, you know how I feel about you, how I still feel." I'm not going to say words that are going to be hard for her to hear even though I want to say them. When she doesn't respond I ask, "so, are you still going back to London?"
She gives me a sad smile. "You know I have to go back regardless of what's going on with Liam and I. Jamie's school is there. His family is there."
"His family is here too. You know you could stay with me, both of you." I know that's not going to happen but I can at least offer. Just the thought of having the two of them with me makes me grin.
"I would stay with you, you know that. You also know that I can't."
"I know." I reach out and grab ahold of her hand. "I can't stop thinking about the other day. My bed still smells like you, still smells like us." Like the two of us naked, all over it, making love to one another over and over again.
"I've been thinking about it too." Her gaze darkens. "I was so sore the entire next day."
"I can make you sore again." I see her breathing accelerate. "I want to have you on top of me again. I fucking missed you being on top of me and the way you came all over me. Fuck." I run my hand through my hair thinking about how hot the experience was. "Tell me we'll be able to do that again before you leave. Just one more time at least." I would like to do it a lot more than just one more time.
"I leave on the 30th." I feel my face fall because that's only five days away. She's only here for five more days and that reality sits in my chest painfully. "Don't look like that, Seth. You knew I wouldn't be able to stay."
"I know." But it doesn't hurt any less. "When am I going to be able to see you again?"
"I'll try and see you before I leave. I don't know if Liam will let me leave his side while we're still in Boston. It's either that or he's going to ask for a divorce and not give a shit if I see you. I honestly have no idea what to expect at this point." And neither did I.
"Text me and let me know if and when you think we'll be able to sync up." I give her hand a squeeze before letting it go. "Will you be back before Rhys's wedding?" She shakes her head no. "So this could be the last time I see you for the next five months?" I feel a deep ache in my chest at the prospect of that. I reach out for her because I want to kiss her.
"Seth, we can't." The words make me drop my hand mid-air. "I'll make sure to come see you before I go."
"Promise?" I can't help but make her promise me. I need to see her one more time, be with her before I don't see her for five straight fucking months.
"I promise. I should get back inside." I give her a small nod.
She's about to go through the door when I call out to her, "hey, Rae," she turns to look at me over here shoulder, "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Seth." She gives me a soft and warm smile before heading back inside.
But I hadn't wanted to say those words and it sounded like she didn't want to say those either. No, I wanted to say a set of three other very specific words, ones that mean a hell of a lot more.