I blink a few times as I process the words Seth just said to me. I'm scanning over his features because he surely didn't just say what he just said. He did not just tell me he wants me to move to New York. He did not just tell me I'd be better off without him in my life. And he sure as hell didn't just fucking tell me that after giving me the best orgasm I've ever had in my life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me right now. That's about all my brain is repeating to itself over and over as I stare at him blankly.
"Rae?" He gives me a frown when I don't respond. "Raegan?" He reaches out to touch me but I pull away from him automatically. I don't want to be touched by him after what he'd just said. His features fall. "I'm not saying we can't be together. We can still be together. It'll just be better for you if you go to the school you really want to go to. You know, not throw your future away just to be with me."
I nod but I still don't say anything. Half of me wants to scream and the other half of me wants to curl up in a ball and cry. There aren't really any words that are coming to mind right now. Just hurt, pain, and a fuckton of insecurities freshly brewing in my chest.
I look over his face one more time before I feel my eyes prick with tears. Now I know I'm definitely going to cry any second and probably do the screaming later. He looks over my face and scrunches his brows together.
"Rae..." He begins to reach out again but thinks better of it. "Rae, don't cry, sweetheart. Please don't."
I don't answer him before I get up from the bed quickly, needing to distance myself from him. I need to distance myself from the beginning of pain blossoming inside of me. I can't deal with this right now. I don't want to and the last thing I want is for him to see me cry again.
"Rae?" I shake my head at him wordlessly and when he begins to get up from the bed I quickly hurry into the bathroom. "Rae, what the hell?" he says when he tries the locked handle. "Open the door." I shake my head no even though I know he can't see me right now. "Baby, come on. Don't do this. Don't shut me out." He tries the handle again, wriggling it vigorously.
I feel the tears flow down my face at the thought of leaving him to go to New York. The thought of leaving him here to raise a kid with that beautiful goddess stirs all kinds of insecurity in me. He wants me to leave. He wants me to have a future. I try to process that as the real reason he wants me to leave and not the fact he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Which, when he'd originally said what he did, is exactly where my brain went.
He was becoming more and more controlling in the bedroom, like he had been that one night. Never as forceful and far away as he had been that night but enough so that I could tell that my Seth wasn't quite there. I'm sure he feels like his world is spiraling out of control because I felt the same way before and that's where my need for control came from.
Spiraling out of control. Like how my emotions feel at this exact moment. We just went from me sucking his cock and me coming all over his face to me moving to fucking New York.
Ever since hearing about Katie I'd been trying to be what he wants, what he needs. But over and over again I felt inadequate just like I'd used to feel when I was a kid. Just how I felt when Seth brought a new girlfriend over. I felt like I never even had a chance. And this whole situation with Sarah jumping in the shower with him and Katie carrying around his baby, living with his father, is making me feel that exact same way again.
I never even had my chance with him. And now he doesn't even want me to be here anymore. He'd said we could still maintain our relationship but the way he'd worded it was almost like we'd just be better off without one another.
Maybe he would be better off without me?
"Raegan Travers, you open this fucking door right now or I'm going to break it down." His voice is agitated now but I still don't respond. "Seriously, Rae. Open the fucking door." He bangs on the door and the entire thing reverberates from his blows. "I'm going to count to three and if you don't open it... I swear..."
He begins to count and before he gets to three I open the door because there is no doubt in my mind he would've knocked it down with ease. He's still naked and so am I as we look at one another. His brows scrunch together when he looks in my eyes and the feeling of pure embarrassment rides through me. I begin to turn away from him and he grabs my upper arm. He pulls me into him.
"Why are you crying?" His voice sounds upset. "I didn't mean to make you cry. Rae, I just want you to be happy. All I want is the best for you. This life, my life, what it's going to be is not what you want. You have dreams and a bright future. You have so much going for you."
"But I love you, Seth." I feel my tears begin to dry. "I don't want to go anywhere without you." I pull away from him and look up to him. "You can move to New York with me. We can get a place together. We can..." I stop when I see his features fall.
"You know that can't happen. You know I'd never leave Boston. Boston is my home."
"So then why are you telling me to go to New York?" I shake my head up at him. "You know I don't want to go anywhere without you."
"Because it's what is best for you, Rae."
"You're what's best for me. I just want you." He shakes his head and pulls away from me, letting me go as he walks over to the bed.
"You're fucking twenty-two years old," he begins as he starts to put his clothes back on. "New York is where your future is. It's not here. It's what you really want even if it means being without me."
"No, it's not." I say automatically even though it's partially a lie and the look he gives me right now tells me he knows that. "Seth, I don't want to be without you."
"You won't be. We can still be together. Massachusetts and New York are not that far apart. We can visit each other. We can try to maintain a relationship."
Try. Wonderful.
"We can try? Try, Seth?" He doesn't say anything as he slips his shirt on. "So you're basically already saying you don't think we'll stay together if I move." I walk over and pick up my clothing and start putting it on as well. "That's just fucking awesome." My anger has completely taken over my sadness.
"You'll be in a different state and I'll be here raising a kid. It's not going to be a walk in the park, Raegan."
"I fucking hate when you call me Raegan."
"Well, it's your name." He's looking in my mirror above my dresser, fixing his skewed hair. "I don't want to fucking argue with you. I said what I said and if you actually think about it for more than a fucking second then you'd know it's what's best for you, Rae."
"What, you think Liam is the better option?" I scoff. "Huh? Is that why you want me to go to New York?" I shout at him when he doesn't respond. "What, would it just be easier for you to keep fucking your ex and impregnating random women if I move away?" The hurtful words came out of my mouth before I could stop them.
I see his eyes snap shut in the mirror in agitation before opening them and punching the mirror in front of him. The glass shatters and his fist is all cut up with shards of glass in it.
"Fuck!" He says loudly as he begins taking the shards out of his knuckles. "God fucking... shit." He winces as he takes out the last of it now, bleeding all over the place. "I'm sorry." He turns around and looks at me. I just shake my head it him.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Seth?"
"What do you mean what the hell is wrong with me, Rae? Me?" His nostrils flare out angrily. "What, do you think you can just say any fucked up thing that comes to your mind and I'm not going to react to it?"
"I mean, not like that." I gesture to the massive pile of glass by his feet. "You've said even worse to me and I've never fucking done something like that."
"I'll pick it up and buy you a new one." He shrugs like he didn't just shatter my mirror with his fist and it's bleeding all over the damn place. "It's not a big deal. Not everything is such a big fucking deal."
"You couldn't control your anger so you smashed my mirror. That's a pretty big deal, Seth." He blows out a long breath and walks through the glass, thankfully he has shoes on.
"I'll be back later to clean that shit up. I need some fucking air." He doesn't say anything else before he leaves me standing there all alone staring at the shattered glass.