"You know you didn't have to bring up New York like that at dinner tonight." I toss my purse on the kitchen counter letting out a frustrated huff.
"Why?" Liam comes up behind me in the kitchen, putting his hands on my waist. "I just can't wait to start our future together and what can I say?" He places a kiss on the side of my neck. "I just wanted some people to know."
Some people just happen to be Seth. Go figure.
I don't turn around, I just splay my hands out on the counter top as he nuzzles my neck. "It's because we agreed that I had the summer to think about it and I felt like you were pressuring me by bringing it up like that. And you acted like everything was already one-hundred percent guaranteed and I had basically no option."
"And the fact that you didn't want Seth to know because he still has some sort of feelings for you." I look down at the granite beneath my fingers not responding as he pulls away from me. "Rae?"
"What?" I'm barely able to say the word. I don't want to give anything away.
"Turn around." I look down for another moment, trying to mask any emotion before I turn around to look at him. Once I do, his blue eyes search mine. "And you..." he caresses my cheekbone with his hand "do you still have feelings for him as well?"
I pause for a moment before answering him honestly. "I don't know." Well, in all actuality, I have a lot of feelings when it comes to Seth and not all of them are pleasant.
His jaw clenches and his hand pulls away from my face. "You're kidding me, right?" He grits out, "you haven't seen him in months and all of a sudden he shows up out of nowhere and he's sleeping with Chrissy, your coworker, no less. How can you possibly still have any inclination toward feelings for someone who'd do that, Raegan?"
"He didn't know she worked with me when he met her." And now I'm defending the very thing I'd argued with him about. Pathetic. Im sighing and shaking my head in disbelief at myself internally.
"But he knows now and he's still sleeping with her." I shrug because yeah, it sucks but what the hell am I supposed to do about it? "Jesus Christ, Raegan." He shakes his head at me. "He's a player. He's using her, it's clear."
"In all fairness, she's doing the same thing to him." Because Seth is sexy and even sexier when naked. Liam doesn't need to be privy to that particular information though.
She probably wants more from him now but she hasn't really told me that exactly. All I got to hear about was the endless amount of hot sex they were having and the fact that if Seth does stick around she wants his babies. Gag. I'm now realizing the thought of Seth having babies with anyone sits rather uncomfortably with me.
Liam shakes his head as he studies me saying, "why are you defending him?"
"I'm not." Even though he's right and I know I am definitely defending Seth. I hate myself for it.
"You are, Raegan, and I don't understand why." He lets out a huff in frustration. "It's been nearly seven months we've been together. Is that not enough?"
"I don't know what you want me to tell you, Liam." I walk away from him into the living room and then up into my bedroom. "I've known Seth almost my entire life. I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt."
"Among other things," he mumbles irritatedly.
"Really Liam?" He doesn't say anything. "I don't get what you want me to say."
"I want you to tell me that you don't have any feelings left for Seth." He's following close behind me as I enter the room. "I want you to say that there's nothing left between the two of you, especially now."
"What do you mean especially now?"
"After he's been screwing your coworker and friend knowing it's probably affecting you. You know for him it's always just about the sex, Raegan. That's all it is between them. That's all it was for the two of you. He doesn't really care about you."
"I know, Liam." Even though it wasn't just sex for either of us and I think that's relatively clear now. Things with Seth and me were never really clear though. Everything either was or turned into such a confusing mess. "But-"
"But what?" He pinches the bridge of his nose agitatedly before interrupting me again. "You can't tell me you actually have feelings for the guy still."
I turn around and look at him seriously, feeling my own agitation boiling underneath my skin. "So you want me just to lie to you to make you feel better?" He takes a step back, looking like I just smacked him in the face with my words, which I essentially just had. I take a step towards him feeling guilty for my bluntness. "I'm sorry, Liam. I didn't mean it. I just-"
"No, I get it, Raegan." He holds up a hand as he turns away from me and starts to walk out of the room. "I get it."
"Liam, stop. Please, I'm sorry." I pad my way toward him quickly. "Let me explain."
"You're still not over him. There's no explanation needed." He continues into the living room.
"Liam, stop it. Let's just talk about-"
"No." He'd said firmly. "I've had quite enough Seth for one evening. More than I can handle, quite frankly."
"Liam," I grab ahold of his hand and pull to make him turn toward me saying, "please." He pauses, still turned away from me, with one arm outstretched. "Don't go like this. I didn't mean it."
"What is it about him?" He lets out a deep sigh. "What is it that he has over you?" He's pondering the questions more to himself than me even though he's saying them out loud.
"Nothing..." I say it to his back, still holding onto his hand because he won't look at me.
"I love you, Raegan and I thought you loved me. Yet here we are, months later and he's still in the back of your mind."
I can feel the tears start to slowly fall down my face as I mumble, "no, he's not."
He finally turns toward me and his face falls once he does. "You need to think about what you want and you need to do that soon. Until then, I'm going to New York early. I'm packing my things tonight and if you happen to decide what you want then let me know."
I try to pull him towards me, try to get him in my arms but he's not budging. "Liam-"
"No, Raegan." He pulls his hand out of mine. "I deserve more than someone with one foot out the door. I have given you everything these past several months." The tears really start flowing now. "You have the rest of the summer to come to New York. If you don't then we're completely done." He begins to walk away from me without another word until he reaches the door. He looks back at me and says, "I love you, Raegan. Remember that."
"I love you too, Liam."
"I really hope that's true." He gives me a sad smile and then closes the door.
Once he closes the door I feel myself start to break down. Why does it always come back to Seth?
✩✩✩
Liam left an hour ago and I'm sitting at the breakfast bar contemplating life with a tumbler glass and a bottle of whiskey. What even is life? What is all this even for anyway? I take another sip. Why do I still have feelings for Seth?
The answer is simple; because I've always had feelings for Seth. After having him physically, intimately the way I had, after giving him a large piece of myself, I don't think there will ever be a time where I don't not have feelings for Seth. And, because things are never that simple, I think I may lose Liam for good over it.
Do I want to lose Liam? I ponder for a moment thinking of him and everything he's done for me. That answer is also simple; no. He's like a warm blanket in the coldest of temperatures. He's nurturing. He's everything I should want and he was. Was?
I take another sip and swirl it around the glass, looking at it while I do. It looks like my mind, twisting and turning. Also, it's probably 40% alcohol by volume as well and a mixture of what the weather has turned into outside, which is a raging storm. The heat had brought on some rather nasty weather but the sight of lightning striking was beautiful to watch out my living room window. It's chaotic, like my thoughts but a hell of a lot prettier.
I hear a knock at my door and slowly look up at it. I pause, waiting to see if I hear it again, wondering if it's the storm outside or I'm just imagining it. A few more knocks has me up and out of my chair, walking toward the door.
Liam. It's got to be Liam. I feel terrible for the way he left and knowing he's leaving for New York tomorrow now because of all of this makes it that much worse. He's going to go to New York and stay there seemingly with or without me.
Now it's up to me and I've decided that yes, I'm almost positive I want to go and give myself a chance at something new, something different. I want to give him the chance he deserves for being by my side these past few months.
I finally reach the door and suck in a deep breath before opening it. "Li-" I stop when a pair of green eyes look down on mine through soaking wet black hair.
"Rae..."